Page 117 of The Long Game
Not for the first time, Shane felt terrible about not learning Russian fast enough. “So, it’s been...good?”
“I think so. Slow, but good.”
“How long have you been going?”
“A couple of months.”
Jesus. Why hadn’t Ilya told him? Shane wanted to ask, but it would probably sound like an accusation. “I’m glad you’regetting help. If you need it. And that you found someone you can talk to.” He couldn’t disguise the hurt in his voice, even though he had no reason to feel hurt.
“Shane,” Ilya said gently, “I have told you things I have not told anyone. Youknowme. Therapy is...different.”
“I know,” Shane said. He did know. He was just mad at himself for not being a better listener.
“There is one thing I should tell you.” Ilya sounded nervous, suddenly. “She knows. About us. I told her.”
Shane couldn’t help the shock that he was sure showed plainly on his face. “You did? Like, you used my name?”
“Yes. I am sorry, but...I did not want to lie in that room the same as everywhere else.”
Shane supposed he could understand that. What good was seeing a therapist if you needed to lie to them? “Okay. I mean, she’s, like, sworn to secrecy or whatever. So that should be fine.”
“Yes.”
Shane sat on his bed. “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want, but what made you decide to see a therapist?”
Ilya’s lips pulled into a tight smile. “Big question.”
“I know. Sorry. Forget I asked.”
“No. I want to tell you everything, but...not now, maybe.”
Shane nodded. “I get that.”
“It’s a lot, you know?”
Shane didn’t know, but he said, “Yeah. For sure.”
“But I am sorry I made you leave. I had a very nice Christmas with your family, as always. And I wasted a day and a night we could have been together.”
“I’m sorry for basically everything I said. Like, so fucking sorry. I love you.”
“I know, moya lyubov.”
Shane grinned. “I know that one.”
“Ah,” Ilya said in mock despair, “then you know my secret.”
“That you love me?”
“That I am very mushy inside.”
Shane laughed. “I knew that too.” He glanced at the clock beside his bed. “Shit. I have to go.”
“Okay.”
“I wish our schedules weren’t fucked. But maybe a bit of distance is good right now?”
“I think so. Yes. We will talk when we are in the same room again.”
