Page 115 of The Long Game
Galina didn’t react to the anger in his voice, or the absurd finger-pointing. She only looked at him with quiet interest, and maybe a hint of amusement. “You’ve been coming to see me for less than two months. I’m good, but I’m not that good.”
Ilya put his finger away, but despite feeling foolish, he needed her to understand how urgent the situation was. “I can’t do this if I am going to feel worse. I have to focus on hockey, and I have to be a good boyfriend, and I can’t do either of those things if I’m this fucking sad.”
“Ilya,” she said firmly. “Sit.”
Ilya sat, sighing heavily as he did so. “What’s wrong with me?”
Galina sat in her own chair and crossed her legs. “You are a human being with a lot of responsibilities and pressure. You play a physically taxing, dangerous sport for a living. You are hiding a very big secret while also living your life in a spotlight. You are in love with a man you aren’t allowed to be in love with. You are carrying trauma from your childhood that you’ve never allowed yourself to process properly. And also you feel things very deeply. Deeper than maybe anyone realizes.”
Ilya blinked. He hadn’t actually been expecting an answer. Especially not one that was so...thorough.
“Is that all?” he said dryly.
“I think you are depressed.”
Ilya hugged his own chest protectively. “Like my mother.”
“Not necessarily. Depression is complicated and manifests in many different ways. And there are many ways to treat it.”
“Drugs.” Ilya didn’t want drugs. Other than painkillers that were absolutely necessary, he avoided pills. Pills could be a weapon.
“Again, not necessarily. Antidepressants can be very helpful for some people, but they aren’t the only thing that helps.” She waved a hand in the air, indicating her office. “This helps. Being here. Talking. Some people respond well to things like exercise.”
Ilya snorted. “I can’t exercise more than I already do.”
“No,” she agreed, “but you can do physical activity that is purely for you. Not for hockey. A hike, or a long bike ride. Tennis with a friend. That sort of thing.”
“In Ottawa? In the winter?”
She smiled. “It doesn’t have to be exercise. We haven’t known each other for very long, but I think you need to do more things that are just for you in general. Your priorities seem to be divided between hockey and your boyfriend.”
“I like those things,” Ilya argued.
“Last time we met I suggested you talk to Shane about the things you’ve given up for him. Did you do that?”
“Yes!” Ilya practically shouted. “That’s why everything is fucked!”
“He didn’t take it well?”
“We had a fight. Yesterday. I haven’t spoken to him since because he doesn’t understand anything. He asked if I’d choose him over hockey and I couldn’t believe he even asked, you know?”
“What made him ask that?”
Ilya chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment, wishing he didn’t have to say the next thing. “I asked him first,” he mumbled.
Galina’s eyebrows rose slightly. “And why did you ask him?”
“Because...” Ugh. This was embarrassing. “He hurt my feelings. I asked him if he wanted to go to a party at my teammate’s house.” He sighed. “It was stupid. Of course he was right to say no. We have never done anything like that before, and it would have been ridiculous to bring him but...I wanted to. I want to introduce him as my boyfriend to my friends.”
“That would be an enormous step,” Galina said. “One that would require some serious discussion beforehand, I would imagine.”
“Yes, well. We didn’t discuss. I asked him, he said no, and I got angry.”
Galina made some notes while Ilya stewed in his own humiliation for a moment. “I take it,” she finally said, “that Shane is not ready to go public.”
“No. I don’t even know ifI’mready. But some days I think I’ll scream or die if I have to keep this secret any longer.”
“Does he know that?”
