Page 52 of M.M. Scrooge
He tugs me even closer, his mood shifting to serious. I rise and fall with the deep breath he takes before answering. “I’m not sure how much I should tell you. If I tell everything, you’ll think I’m crazy.”
That’s not a real answer. Curiosity flares. “Tell me whatever you’re comfortable with, then. No pressure.”
Another deep breath. The thump of his heart beating beneath my ear. The warmth of him under the covers. He isn’t about to ruin it, is he? I don’t think he would, but his hesitancy makes me cautious.
“Just after meeting you, I had a pretty big wake-up call. I’m not ready to talk about the details.” He keeps his voice low, a rumbling whisper. It almost sounds spooky. “I might never be, but the experience led to some intense self-reflection. I didn’t like what I saw. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my past.”
Mistakes are normal. I’ve certainly made my share. “Haven’t we all?”
“Maybe. But my mistakes hurt other people. People I cared for. I should have known better. And now that I do, I won’t be making those mistakes again. That’s not to say I won’t still fuck up. I’m sure I will, but I won’t let my ego or my greed come between us. You’re more important than that. You deserve my best.”
That’s an odd way of phrasing it, but the sentiment warms me all over.
He trails a finger over my arm. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but as to why you, I don’t really know. I mean, I could list all your amazing qualities. Your resilience, your determination, your work ethic, your sweetness, and your generosity. How clever you are and the way you make me laugh. The cute little gap between your front teeth. Your freckles.” I must be flushing bright pink at all this praise, my cheeks have gone hot, but Max isn’t finished. “How free you are in bed. The noises you make when you want me. The way your cheeks flush. I could go on. There are so many reasons. But it’s more than all that. It’s…I just…love you. I want to be worthy of you.”
A sweeping sensation sends my heart racing and my mind spinning. I’m frozen as I replay his words. Did I really hear what I think I heard? I raise my head from his chest to look him in the eyes and check for the sincerity of his words.
He holds my gaze, brown eyes shimmering with warmth. His lips form a hesitant smile, as if he’s feeling shy. Overwhelmed, I dive in for a kiss.
I’m climbing him, straddling him, and hugging his thighs between mine like I can’t get close enough. No way to show him how much his words mean to me beyond this abundance of skin on skin.
He laughs against my cheek and holds me tight. “Thought you said we’re taking the night off?”
“We are. We can. I just needed—”
“Ssh. Kids across the hall, remember?” He trails his hands up and down my back in long, warm strokes. “Look, I wasn’t planning on telling you all that so soon. Or in your mother’s house. On Christmas Eve. I know it’s a lot. You don’t owe me any kind of response.”
I sink into his embrace, burying my face in his neck and shoulder. He’s just given me easy permission not to say it back. And I would never say something I didn’t feel, but I’ve been careful to avoid this topic with myself.
Do I love Max? In my efforts at self-restraint, to stop myself from hurtling head over heels for a guy I’m still getting to know, I’ve been holding myself back. Throttling my emotions whenever I danced a little too close to the L-word. But the more I relax, and the more I let myself trust Max, the more I know it to be true.
He’s the guy for me. This crazy, hard-working fitness buff who always somehow makes time for me. Who thinks of my feelings first. Who treats me to dinners and dog sits for his roommate and makes me do ab rollouts because they’re good for me, even though I hate them. Who didn’t bat an eyelash at my fun drawer full of toys and who promises to add to them. Who makes me come so hard I’m starting to believe in a new dimension. Fuck. How did this happen so fast?
I suck his earlobe into my mouth and nibble. “I love you too.” I rub his ankles with my toes, needing to touch him everywhere. “Why is that so terrifying?”
Max’s hold on me tightens enough to draw the air from my lungs. He releases me before it becomes too much and kisses my throat. “It’s okay to be terrified. Some of the greatest lessons I’ve learned came despite my fear. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. After all, they won me you.”
Our lips meet again, more sweet kisses and reassurance through touch. I feel lit up and sleepy at once, a strange combination but a happy one.
Whatever mistakes lie in Max’s past, whatever lessons he learned, I’m grateful for the man he is today. Max makes me happy, and I’m going to do the same for him.
Epilogue
Two Years Later
Max
In the middleof her last set of burpees, my client, Peg, mentions she works at the same university as Daniel.
Pride makes me chatty. “Oh, really? My husband teaches philosophy there.”
“No.” Peg’s exaggerated expression hints at delight. “He’s not Dr. Jacobs, is he?” I nod, and Peg beams, wiping sweat off her brow. It hasn’t escaped my attention that she’s stalling, but I love an excuse to talk about Daniel, so I let her get away with it. “The students are always praising his Philosophy of Imagination seminar. It fills up so fast there’s a waitlist.”
“Daniel designed that course from scratch,” I brag. “It’s his baby.”
He’d been so excited to propose his idea and curriculum to the board. When it was added to the roster, we celebrated with Nature & Noodles. It’s become our go-to place anytime we’re in a celebrating mood, which is often.
“We serve in the faculty senate together.” Peg smiles. “Dr. Jacobs makes a mean taco dip.”
