Page 76 of Beyond the Ruby River
Maybe I’m a little sorry after all, but I couldn’t let you go, not when it was in my power to save you. I wanted us to be together, but all you wanted was to leave. Now you’re gone, and there’s nothing more I can do.
You know I cannot follow. I would have. You must know that too.
I hope you are well. I know Temaj is taking good care of you. Solon has told me so, but he will say little else. He guards your secrets unfailingly, no matter how much I pry. Do you ask him of me the way I ask him of you?
Will you stay angry with me forever?
All My Love,
Daka
Mahu,
When I need to feel close to you, I go to the river alone and float on my back. I imagine your arms beneath me, holding me up. You would be so proud. I’ve learned to stay afloat on my own.
I watch the clouds as the current takes me with it. I envy the birds who can fly wherever they please. I listen to the muffled underwater sounds of another world while I am stuck on this one, without you.
Sometimes I close my eyes and let the river carry me away. I imagine it’s taking me closer to you, wherever you are. Solon will not tell me no matter how much I pout and cry. My sad face only ever worked on you.
I drift so far as to find myself in the middle of the river, too far to reach either shore. Remember, you never taught me to swim, only to float. But I don’t panic. I know I must wait, on my back, breathing shallow breaths and gently churning the water until the shore comes close again. I don’t mind waiting.
I will wait forever if I must.
Love,
Daka
Mahu,
I’m sick of waiting! When will you come back to me? Don’t you miss me, Mahu? Because I miss you so deeply my soul aches. I pine for you. I lie alone in my bed and marvel at how my heart continues to beat when it’s so broken all I feel are its jagged shards in my chest. I haven’t tears enough for the depth of my loss.
Why won’t you return? Solon will say nothing. He takes my letters with no word of you, and never a letter for me. He won’t even tell me if you’re reading them, only that he gives them to you. All he will say is that you and Temaj get along well, and thank the stars for that or he’d have killed you himself.
I must admit, Solon is frightening when he wants to be. Does he scare you? Do you like him? Are you happy?
Please tell me you’re happy. I couldn’t bear it if I’d cursed you to an eternity of misery. The irony isn’t lost on me, how afraid you were that I’d curse you. How I promised you I couldn’t, that I would never, and then look what I have done to you.
I know I said I wouldn’t apologize, but maybe I was wrong. Would my apology mean anything to you? I cannot regret that you’re still living, even if you refuse to see me, but I do regret causing you sorrow. I regret stealing the sun from you. I wish there had been another way.
I wish you were here.
Love,
Daka
Mahu,
Remember when you used to call me Nedjes? I loved that. Those happy days were a lifetime ago, and yet I recall them with the clarity of yesterday. I relive our time together in my mind often. Do you?
Sometimes, when I forget to be sad, I can think on those memories with joy. Your patience as you taught me your craft. Your smile as I walked into a room. Your cock in my hand, in my body, pumping its seed down my throat.
I miss how you taste. No one has ever compared to you.
Niya has been playing matchmaker, did Solon tell you? She brings men and women to my doorstep, demon-halflings like myself, full incubi, a werewolf once. That is a story for another time. It was when she began to bring humans I knew she’d grown desperate. Anything to bite back the sting of my solitude. But there is no one for me but you, Mahu. Not really.
Not to worry you, though. I do feed from these candidates she parades before me like party cakes on a platter, hoping to tempt me with their sweetness. I feed but my belly is never sated without you.
Will you ever come back to me?
