Page 92 of Across the Sapphire Sea
“How long have you felt this way? That I was going to leave you?”
A muscle twitched along Valeri’s jawline. “Since I ordered Aella to steal Sachi and run,” he confessed. “The way you looked at me after I’d said it…I thought for sure we were over. But even before, at the tavern with Jemma, on the ship when I commanded a halt to your reading lessons. When I nearly drained Frans to death, though I’d promised you I wouldn’t…other times. The expressions you make when I disappoint you, like you don’t recognize me anymore. I knew I was going too far, and yet I couldn’t stop myself.”
Elias took that in, flipped it over in his mind, studied the admission from all sides and saw the profound truth it contained. He took Valeri’s hand and brought it to his lap to hold.
“I did think about leaving,” Elias admitted, to himself as much as to Valeri.
“When?” Such vulnerability in the word.
“All the times you mentioned. I thought of it, but I never really wanted to leave you. I still don’t. Especially now.”
Valeri blinked. “You don’t?”
“No.”
“But why? I’ve been awful to you.”
“You have, but you have also been good to me. And I love you—that is no small thing.” Elias had an admission of his own to make. “I’m no innocent here. I’ve been complicit in your crimes. Our crimes.”
“No,” said Valeri forcefully. He squeezed Elias’s hand. “You are innocent. It’s I who—”
“Shh, listen. Don’t let me off the hook so easily. I knew what you were every step of the way. You never hid your flaws from me. Not once. Not one sin. From the very beginning. Information, yes, you hid that, but not your crimes. And I said yes, Valeri. I had choices, and said yes to you at every junction.”
Valeri’s brows drew together. “But I have been terrible.”
Elias laughed. He couldn’t stop himself. Nothing was really funny, and yet. “Yes, you’ve been your share of terrible. But you have also been loving. You’ve been generous and protective. You’ve been attentive and kind as it suited you. None of us are perfect, we are all a jumble of faults and attributes. I happen to think ours could work well together.”
Valeri’s eyes were shining with tears again. “You do?”
“I do. Ask your question.”
“What question?”
“The one Mahu gave you that you are so afraid to ask me.”
Valeri wet his lips. “What do you want from me?”
Elias leaned down to kiss him. “Everything, Valeri. I want all of it. All of you. I want your companionship. I want it in our rooms, alone like this, but I also want it at social invitations. I want you to walk by my side around the castle grounds with your chin high and your shoulders back like you are proud to have me as your lover. I want you to support my friendships and my interests, even if you don’t share them, as I will do for you. I want it to be the two of us together in the world, not against it. Can you do that?”
Valeri began to look hopeful. “I want to say yes.”
The hope in Valeri’s eyes was contagious. Elias felt it too. “Just say you’ll try, and that will be enough.”
Valeri frowned. “It isn’t enough if I fail.”
“Then don’t fail. Commit to trying until you get it right.”
“I will try my very best.”
Elias let go of Valeri’s hand to worm his way into his arms, against his chest. “That is all I want.”
Valeri held him close. “I don’t deserve you.”
“You’ve put me on a pedestal where I don’t belong. Take me off it. Let us start again on equal ground.”
“Wise words,” Valeri murmured as he stroked Elias’s back.
“And what do you want from me?” asked Elias. “This should work both ways.”
