Page 11 of A Scottish Christmas Hideaway
‘We’ll head off about ten . . .’
Jessica forced a jovial nod, and then went upstairs with her tea. The thought of going to buy the Christmas tree would once have excited her. But as she lay back down on her bed, her mind started to race as she thought about last Christmas again. She picked up her phone and scrolled through her Instagram feed. It was rammed with uplifting and cheery reels and pictures from people fully embracing the festive season even though it was only the start of December. Throwing it down on the bed, she was again reminded that, although she knew plenty of people, how many real friends did she have?
She pressed her lips together as she thought about her last close friend from university, Lana, who had ended up sleeping with the long-term boyfriend she had before she met Tim. Which was why she struggled to open up and talk properly with friends. She hadn’t spoken to anyone about what hadreallyhappened with Tim and that was part of the problem. At the time, she had told her flatmate, Kristen, some of the story. Although Kristen had been sympathetic to start with, she had then started travelling a lot with work and was hardly in the flat. Which had suited Jessica as she had been able to pull on her ‘really, I’m fine’ mask in the brief times they were together. And work had been an excuse for leaving early in the morning and staying late at night. But then something had happened at work which meant she’d had to share some of what had happened with her colleague, Freda. She knew she should really talk to her mum and that it would most probably help. But she didn’t want to worry her parents any more than she already was by being back home. She was thirty-two years old and supposed to be a successful independent career woman. She just needed to get on with it. Although she didn’t know whatitwas any more. She had forgotten who she was and where she was going.
After last year she had vowed not to celebrate Christmas again. In fact, she now hated Christmas, and the ‘h’ word was one she didn’t use lightly. Her friends had always described her as being a three-quarters full kind of person, which said a lot about her, having worked as a lawyer and living in a world where everything was either black or white. It was fair to say she had seen the absolute worst side of humanity and more. Yet she had always managed to find a positive gloss. Not any more though. Which was sad, as she had always loved Christmas and what it meant to her: As a child, the smell of her gran’s Christmas cake; her mum’s crumbly mince pies; the trip to Princes Square in Glasgow to see the carol singers; hot chocolate and ice skatingin George Square. Then, as she got older, the brisk winter walks up Conic Hill and admiring the view across Loch Lomond were among the highlights at this time of year. She had even managed to embrace the magic of Christmas in London. Despite her pressurised job, she loved seeing the lights glittering as she walked home from work, enjoyed ice skating at Hampton Court Palace, and onthattrip to New York she had loved seeing the lights and window displays as she walked down Fifth Avenue. But that was then and this was now. It was amazing how quickly things could change.
Being back home was supposed to rejuvenate her or recharge her batteries. She reminded herself she should be making the most of this enforced break from the office. There was no point in lying in bed and feeling sorry for herself. She needed to get up and keep moving.
* * *
Just over an hour later, showered and dressed, she went downstairs to find her parents ready and waiting.
‘Aha, there you are,’ said her dad, pulling on his coat and gloves. ‘It’s cold out so make sure you wrap up. This will be fun.’
Jessica couldn’t help shaking her head fondly. She felt as though she was a little girl again and a vivid memory of her dad taking her sledging floated through her mind. She smiled at the thought.
‘You haven’t eaten anything,’ said her mum with a frown. ‘Shall I make you some toast before we go?’
She shook her head. ‘No, thanks, Mum. I’m fine. Honestly. Don’t fuss.’
‘But you need your energy, Jess. There’s nothing to you.’
She patted her mum’s arm. ‘I’ll eat something later. I promise. I just don’t have a big appetite in the morning.’ Or anytime, she added silently, though she had definitely made theeffort to eat more since being home. Pulling on her coat and slipping on her boots, she followed her dad out to the car.
‘Where are we off to then?’ asked Jessica, strapping herself in. ‘I thought you normally went to a garden centre to get your tree.’
‘There’s a place we’ve been going to the past few years. I’m sure I must have told you about it.’
Jessica felt the twinge of guilt. She was sure her mum would have told her but she didn’t remember.
‘You actually get to cut your own Christmas tree. Did you bring the gloves?’ she asked Angus suddenly, who nodded. ‘So yes, as I was saying, you get to choose the tree that you want and cut it down.’
‘Oh. That’s a bit different,’ said Jessica, not ever imagining that she would be doing this with her parents at her age. But she told herself this could be fun. This could help her to recapture the sparkle and optimism of Christmas.
‘It’s quite the trend,’ said Catriona. ‘Especially at the weekends, with hot chocolate and food vans. Hopefully it shouldn’t be too busy today, with it being during the week, but you just never can tell.’
Jessica looked out the window, admiring the scenery they drove past, the loch on the left and fields on the right. There was something mesmerising about just staring at the stretch of water and then over at the patchwork of varying shades of brown and green. It was frosty out and the road shimmered. There was a slash of blue sky amid the clouds and the sun was trying to break through.
‘How does it feel to be home?’ Her mum turned to look at her in the back of the car.
‘Hmm. Strange. Familiar. But nice.’ She was aware her voice was flat and she tried to inject some enthusiasm into it. ‘It’s sopeaceful here, isn’t it, and just what I need, Mum. Thanks for asking me to do this with you.’
‘It will be lovely and it will be so good to have the house all ready and decorated for when Lexi gets here. I know how much you used to love decorating the tree when you were younger. That’s why I left it until you got home. I didn’t think you’d mind.’
Jessica smiled at her mum.
‘Here we are,’ said Angus, indicating right and turning into a small track with a sign advertising the Christmas trees.
A few moments later, they had parked, and her dad strode ahead, keen to lead the way on the tree hunt. Her mum walked more slowly today and linked arms with Jessica.
‘Dad and I have been so worried about you. We are very glad you’re home with us.’
Jessica felt tears smarting in her eyes and another flash of guilt that she hadn’t been home for so long. ‘I know you have and I’m sorry. But honestly, I’m fine. Just a bit fed up with everything.’ She couldn’t keep this up. At some point her mum would want to know more.
Her mum looked sideways at her as they walked along. ‘You know if you need to chat you can. I would hate you to think that you were on your own and couldn’t tell us. It doesn’t matter what age you are, Jessica. We’re always here for you, dear.’
Jessica sighed and closed her eyes briefly, wondering if she could open up and tell her mum what had happened. Part of her longed to be a little girl again, who would run to her mum in tears, knowing she would make everything better again. ‘Work has been tough this year and it’s all just kind of got on top of me.’ She shrugged. ‘There have been some problematic clients.’
