Page 53 of A Christmas Wish on Arran
‘I find it hard to talk about. Because I completely blame myself for what happened.’ He surprised himself with the force in his voice.
Beth’s gaze didn’t waver from his face and she gave him a small, encouraging nod.
‘I spoke to Isla the night before she died. Not for very long. She was tired and she’d only just managed to get Daisy to sleep. She said she was about to go to bed as she was so tired. She’d had a headache all day, which had got worse, and she felt a bit dizzy. She insisted that a good night’s sleep was all that she needed . . .the thing was Isla never made a fuss. She was very stoic and just got on with things. In the same way that she’d raised Daisy single-handedly.’
‘Was Daisy’s dad ever on the scene?’
He shook his head. ‘No, Isla never told us who he was, and he was never named on the birth certificate. As far as she was concerned, she was the only parent that Daisy needed . . .’ He had to choke back a sob as he thought about Daisy, the trauma she had gone through at such a young age. ‘Isla went to bed and never woke up.’
Beth’s face fell in shock.
Ruby slipped from the sofa and sat between Callum’s feet. He tickled her ears as she pushed closer into him, as though sensing this was hard for him. ‘She failed to mention that she’d fallen off her bike the previous day and banged her head. That explained the headache and the dizziness. But I blame myself. I could have done more . . . if only I had known, I could have helped her and saved her life.’
Beth looked taken aback. ‘What do you mean Callum? Why would you blame yourself?’
‘I’m her big brother. I should have looked after her, especially when she started talking about headaches that night and feeling dizzy. If I hadn’t let her ring off in such a hurry I would have found out about the fall from her bike, and then I would have told her to go and speak to her GP or get herself to A and E. Instead she went to bed that night and she never woke up. Turns out that she had a brain injury from her fall, the headaches and dizziness were both signs of head trauma.’
Beth’s voice was kind. ‘Do you think you saying that would have made the slightest bit of difference? I mean, it sounds like Isla was fairly determined and knew her own mind.’
Callum smiled as he thought about the number of standoffs they’d had as kids. Isla was always so stubborn — she did not likebeing told what to do. A bit like Daisy. ‘I know. I’ve been through this in my head millions of times over the years. There is nothing I can do to change what happened. It took me a while to stop blaming myself as much. But I think that’s part of the grieving process. You replay everything in your head, you over analyse it until you drive yourself to the brink. At one point I felt as though I was on the verge of a breakdown. Her loss consumed me, but eventually Mum reminded me that we had to focus on doing the best thing for Isla, and that meant looking after Daisy.’
Callum hadn’t opened up like this to anyone in years. She’d moved closer to him and he could smell the vanilla scent of the shower gel that she must have used. Then she pressed her hand on his arm and he felt something good amidst the sadness. He sighed. ‘I don’t know what I would have done without Daisy to focus on. She saved my life.’ Callum thought about how much easier it would have been if Daisy had gone to live with her gran in Crieff. However, that wasn’t an option. His mum had reminded him how much he’d loved growing up on Arran, and that Isla would have liked it if Daisy had the same carefree childhood as them.
Beth took a deep breath. ‘You have done an incredible and selfless thing for Daisy. Your sister would be proud of you Callum. She’s a wonderful young woman.’
He frowned and shrugged. ‘I’ve done my best. Not sure that she would agree, but she’s the most important thing in my life.’ Ruby thumped her tail on the floor. ‘You too Ruby.’ He looked at Beth, neither of them speaking for a moment. He realised how tired he was, and Beth’s pale face was now white.
‘Do you mind if we just sit here for a while?’ he asked.
Beth moved closer to him and put her arm around his shoulders. ‘I don’t mind at all.’
As they sat there together, it was as though the clock had been paused. They were in their own little private cocoon, sharing their stories of heartache and grief and loss.
Chapter Forty-Five
Beth had hardly slept. She’d lain awake all night thinking about Callum, the huge amount of heartache and grief he had suffered over the years. It seemed so unfair that his family had been rocked by two huge tragedies. She couldn’t even begin to imagine how difficult it was for him, losing his father, then his sister, then stepping in to raise Daisy. It made her admire him even more than she already did.
Her phone had been pinging with updates from Jim telling her that the road was now open which was earlier than expected. There was alsoanothervoicemail from Alessandro checking in. She had replied to let him know she was fine and was staying with a friend near Lamlash. He didn’t need to know any more details. It was none of his business. Beth knew that she should really get dressed and make her way back to Brodick. She smiled, looking at the cosy room that had become a haven to her. When she went through to tell Callum that she would make a move, he looked a bit deflated.
‘Yes, I heard it’s open again. I told Daisy I would be over to get her later and she soundedverydisappointed. Apparently, life with Freya and Jim is much more attractive than living with your middle-aged uncle. Mind you, I can’t say I blame her,’ he said with a forlorn smile.
‘Yes, when you’re a teenager the grass is always greener.’ Beth nodded. ‘Everywhere is always better than where you live. I was exactly the same, Callum. Don’t take it personally. You’re great with her. She’ll be fine when you get her home and she’s settled.’
‘Let’s hope you’re right,’ he said. ‘Can I get you anything before you go?’
‘You have done more than enough,’ she said. ‘You looked after me, you’ve made me more cups of tea than anyone everhas. And you make a good slice of toast too. The soup wasn’t bad either.’
He laughed. ‘Next time, I will try something a bit more adventurous. Maybe make you a proper meal.’
Neither of them spoke — the silence began to feel charged. Beth felt her heart start to race as she thought about his words,the next time.He wanted to see her again. She took a breath. ‘I would like that.’
He didn’t reply, but levelled his eyes on hers.
‘Right,’ she wasn’t quite sure what to do, ‘I’ll head off. I hope Daisy is okay and . . . well, yes. Hopefully I will see you soon. That’s if I haven’t scared you off and you’ve had enough of me to last you a while.’ She looked around for her jacket, desperately willing herself to stop talking.
‘By the door, on the peg.’ He pointed outside to the hallway.
Beth nodded, walking to the back door where she pulled on her wellies and coat. It felt like days ago that she’d removed them. ‘It’s certainly a fresh start after the storm. Look at that beautiful blue sky.’ She peered out the door.
