Page 98 of The Substitute
“Yeah, I do. He’s going to med school, so he doesn’t care about being seen with me or what my brother thinks, and he certainly wouldn’t be defending him. He’s never hidden me, but you always will, won’t you?”
Something crosses Ambrose’s face, like he’s figured something out but as quickly as it appeared, it’s gone, and he’s locked down his expression.
Can I live with being a secret if it means he doesn’t leave me?
My fear of abandonment is choking off my air and making my knees weak, but goddammit, I deserve to be more than a fucking secret. My jaw trembles, and I know if I try to speak, the words will wobble.
A knock on the door startles a gasp from me.
“What?” I snap at whoever it is. Anger feels so much better than hurt right now. I can be in pain later, but I have to get through the rest of this first.
“Everything okay?” Fucking Rhys.
“Fine—go away!”
Ambrose is watching me like he can read the answers on my skin but I can’t see them. What do they say? Does it show him how inadequate I really am? How desperate I am to be loved? Does he finally see through the mask I hide behind? Does it say right there on my face that he’s right and I’m not worth it?
“I should go.” The finality in his tone tears at the fragile pieces he’s mended the last few weeks. I knew it. He was never going to stay. I will never be enough.
Who would want to stay and deal with your neurotic ass?
You aren’t worth the trouble, and you never will be.
“Fine. Go.” I steel myself and turn away from him, ripping the door open and shoving past a concerned Rhys. “I’m leaving.”
I scramble through my parents’ house, frantic to get away from everyone. I can’t hold it together anymore, and if one person in this house looks at me with pity, I’ll lose it. Mom calls my name, along with Rhys, but I don’t stop.
“Tobi,” Ambrose says my name like a command, and I flinch. I want to listen, but I don’t. I can’t. It hurts too much to be thrown away. Again.
I rush to the stairs so I don’t have to wait for the elevator and run down as fast as I dare. The last thing I need is to fall and break my leg, but I don’t want anyone to catch up with me either.
“Tobias.” His voice echoes in the stairwell, and it makes me jump. He jumps over the railing like he’s done it a thousand times and lands on his feet in front of me. “Promise me.”
I try to shove past him, but he grabs my arms and spins me around.
“Leave me alone,” I get out with tears blurring my eyes and clogging my throat.
“Not until you promise.”
“Promise what?”
“That you won’t go back to the bridge.”
His words are a punch to the gut. They steal my breath and make me tremble. There is only one thing he has ever made me promise.
How dare he.
“I already did!” I shriek, shoving at him until he lets me go. His cologne is invading my head, and if I don’t get free of it,I’ll drown. I’m so fucking tired of drowning in people who won’t bother to even throw me a life ring. I’m going to sink into the depths of a place I don’t think I can fight my way out of again, and no one cares enough to even notice.
The frigid air of winter in New York burns my lungs and throat and pebbles my bare skin. Fuck. I left my jacket upstairs, and I can’t go back for it.
Slapping at my pockets, I realize I don’t have my phone or wallet either. I give in to the urge to collapse on the street and scream from the deepest, darkest part of my soul. Just for a minute. Just to relieve the pressure. Just this once.
I’m such a fucking disaster.
I scream until my throat burns, and I lose the feeling in my fingers from gripping my hair. I scream until I’m weak and numb.
Then I wipe my face and stand up. Nothing has changed. No one has stopped to see if I’m okay. The world continued to spin like it always does.
