Page 7 of The Substitute
I can’t move, can’t blink, can’t think past the only other time I’ve seen him. No one knows about that night. No one knows how close I was to not coming home with a pulse.
No. One.
Except him.
He reaches his hand for me, an unsure energy coming off of him.
“I’m Ambrose.”
He’s close enough now that I can smell the sweat and body wash on his skin. It forces me back to the bridge. Back to being held while I allowed the not good enough and never will be enough feelings to flood me, knowing I’m also too chicken shit to end it. The undertow of self-hatred and rejection ripped my feet out from under me, plunged my head under the water as if I wore cement shoes, drowning me in the dark waters of just wanting to be loved and never getting it.
I didn’t want to die that night; I just didn’t want to live either.
I don’t shake his hand—I can’t. If I touch him, I’ll lose it.
Clive stands next to us, shifting on his feet and rubbing the back of his neck. “So, uh, this is Tobi. Tobi, this is Ambrose.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Rhys mutters somewhere behind me. Like he’s broken the spell, I suck in a lung full of air and blink.
“Nice to meet you,” I mumble, then spin around to hide in my room again, but I realize he’s going in there too.
I have nowhere to escape him. Someone says my name, but I don’t stop, not until I’m inside.
I barely make it to the bed before the trembling is so bad, my knees give out. The sob that leaves my mouth is ripped from thedarkest part of me. The corner I’ve been living in for too long. No one notices I’m fucked up. That I’m drowning. I’ve been so locked in my own head, I can’t find a way out anymore.
Yet some fucking stranger saw me.
My stomach aches and my throat burns as I curl into a ball, ripping at my hair until my fingers tingle. Why am I like this? Why can’t I just be nice? Be grateful for Rhys coming to check on me?
I fucking hate it. I hate myself. It’s no wonder no one wants to be around me…
My door creaking open startles me awake. I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep, but I’m not surprised either. All I do is sleep or stare at the ceiling these days.
“Tobi?” It’s a voice I barely recognize but won’t ever forget. What did Clive say his name was? Andrew? Armando?
That’s not his name, you fucking moron.
But I can’t make my brain come up with it.
I open my mouth to say something, but I can’t. Not to him. Not to this man. He saved me, and what for? I think I’m more embarrassed that I’ve done nothing. I’ve done nothing with the second chance he gave me. Is he disappointed in me, too? If I was him, I would be.
“Hmm,” is all I can manage, but I turn my head enough to look at the other side of the room. It looks like he got his stuff in here while I was sleeping.
“I didn’t forget you.” His words are quiet but drop me right back into that place where we met. I can almost feel the wind on my cheeks. “I’ve thought about you every day, even searched online to see if I could find a record of your death.” He pauses,and my already sore throat aches around the knot forming. “I’m really glad you’re alive.”
Well, that makes one of us.
FOUR
AMBROSE
How is he my fucking roommate?
I spent the rest of last school year and the summer couch surfing, and I finally got into a dorm late, and it’s his. I scrub a hand over my face as I walk around the block. I don’t have access to my gym anymore since my dad stopped paying for it, so I’d taken to long walks, and fitting in workouts wherever I can. Also, maybe touching some grass and spending time outside is good for me or whatever. Seems suspect, but I need something to do with all my rage so I don’t murder my father. As much as I’d be doing the world a service, jail doesn’t sound fun.
And more than anything else, I don’t want to be him. It would be too easy to let him make me into an image of him, and that’s the last thing I want. I won’t let him win.
Before I even know where I’m going, I’m back at the bridge. I’ve always been drawn to it, but more so after meeting Tobi there. So when my memory gets heavy, I find myself back there. It’s not exactly close to college, and Queens has nothing left for me, but I still chase ghosts.
