Page 181 of The Substitute
And Savage is about to risk his relationship with his mom. For what? For a chance that we’ll last any substantial amount of time? How will it work when he’s in med school or residency and isn’t ever home, and I’m away playing hockey? How will Tobi handle being alone all the time, and how will we handle it when we can’t talk to each other?
My throat clogs with emotions I can’t let go of yet. Later I can, but not now.
All I can do is nod. Stealing myself for one more act of defiance in my father’s house, I press my lips to his and take the kiss I crave. It’s not deep or heated it’s a reaffirming connection. He’s here on the battlefield of life with me.
“Ready?”
“As I’m going to be.”
Savage takes my hand in his and leads the way down the hall to the sitting room.
“Good morning, Mom.”
Savage’s mom looks up from her book and gasps when she sees me. She covers her mouth, and tears fill her eyes. Guilt and anger tighten around my stomach until I want to vomit. I’ve always known she cared about me since she was the only one who was ever nice to me, but how do you live with a monster and do nothing to stop him? I was a child.
“Ambrose,” she whispers through her tears.
“Hey.” I duck my head and shove my free hand in my pocket, my eyes on a constant swivel, looking for a threat in this exposed place. I knew this was going to be hard, but fuck.
“Hey, Mom,” Savage says, letting me go and stepping forward to wrap her in his arms when she stands.
Just being in this house is setting my teeth on edge. My skin is crawling with hyperawareness, waiting for my father to strike. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been told he’s gone. He’s always lurking.
“He’s not here,” she says. “He’s out of town for work.”
I nod, and she comes closer. I tense, and she stops, a tear falling down her cheek.
Fuck, that makes me feel like a shitbag.
“Can we sit?” Savage ushers her to the couch and gets her a glass of water from the bar. I find the chair with the best protection from surprise pop ups and sit, folding my hands in my lap.
Savage watches me, clearly understanding what is happening in my head. We spent a decade in this house when I wasn’t away at school. He witnessed some of the shit I lived through at my father’s hand. It left a mark on him, too.
“Mom, it’s time.” He takes a seat next to her and covers her hand with his. “You need to leave him.”
“What am I supposed to do?” The defeated rounding of her shoulders tells its own story. She feels trapped here, too.
“Leave. Divorce him.”
“And do what? Everything I had is tied up in his finances. How am I supposed to live? Where am I supposed to go?”
Savage looks at her for a minute before he responds, “Do you really think I would let you be homeless? We’ll make a plan.”
“I can’t let you do that.” Her chin trembles.
“If you want to stay in either of our lives, you will.” And there it is. The ultimatum has been thrown down, and now we have todeal with the consequences of it. The words are said with love but leave no room for misunderstanding. There’s no doubt about his seriousness.
She gasps, and tears fall freely from her lashes. “What?”
“Don’t ask me that. I’m not going to explain to you what he is when you know. You shielded me, yes, but that left Ambrose to take the brunt of it. And he was just a fucking kid.”
“I couldn’t tell him how to raise his own kid?—”
“I’m not letting you make any more excuses. You could have left any time. You could have taken both of us with you.” Savage looks at me for a long moment, allowing me to see how much I mean to him. “Ambrose means more to me than anyone else, and I won’t allow his father in my life. If you stay with him, you are as bad as he is.”
My throat aches at his words. I know how much he loves his mom, so for him to be able to do this… Does this mean he loves me, too?
I don’t know how to handle that.
