Page 118 of The Substitute
They wouldn’t put up with all that shit if they didn’t feel anything for me, right?
“Ugh.” I dig my fingers into my skin as I drag them down my face.
I don’t know what I’m doing, and having no one to talk to about it all is killing me.
Not that long ago, I preferred being alone. It was peaceful. No one asked me for anything. Now, I hate it. There’s too much time to think, to spiral into the what if’s of life. I can’t just fall asleep and ignore my problems like I used to.
I don’t even know how to wrap my head around one guy liking me, let alone two. And how long can this really last? Will they really put up with both dating me? I know there are relationships that work like that, but they don’t like eachother. Hate might actually be the right word. I’m not even sure why Savage let Ambrose watch. I still haven’t figured out what happened that night. It was hot as fuck, but confusing.
Ambrose was so possessive right after, and Savage has been since, so like how was it okay that one night? Every time I think they might be okay with it, I get the vibe that they wish they could have me all to themself. Or is that all in my fucking head?
Would they be willing to date me at the same time? And if by some miracle we were able to figure out a way to make a three-person relationship work, what happens if Ambrose goes pro? Sure, the world is getting a little more progressive, but there’s no way it wouldn’t be a huge scandal for the media to find out Ambrose was not only with a dude but poly. I know how hockey guys are, and if they consider it unmasculine or whatever to be gay, surely sharing your boyfriend is even worse by that logic.
I don’t hide the fact that I’m gay, so if they’re seen with me too often, people will speculate. I don’t want to be the reason his dreams don’t come true, but I also can’t go back into the closet. Not when it feels so good to be out with Savage. I’m already drowning. Losing that piece of myself will suffocate me.
Thunder rumbles through the streets, damn near shaking the windowpanes, and makes me jump. Fuck!
My bones tremble, knowing what’s coming. I hate thunder. I’ve never understood why it bothers me since no one else in my family is upset by it. Hell, Mom would stand out on the balcony with a cup of tea to hear it better. But I always huddled in my room under a blanket, quaking until it was over.
Tension and fear swirl in my chest as I wrap my arms around my body and force myself to stare out the window. Sometimes, the only way to combat the stupid panic is to focus on the lightning and count the miles it takes for the sound to hit.
Bright white light flashes across the sky, and I start to count.
“One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three?—”
It would be beautiful, the way it lights up the sky, if the impending sound didn’t rock me to my core.
A loud knock startles a scream from me, sending my pulse through the roof. Who the fuck is that?
“What the fuck?” I mutter to myself as I head to the door.
Ripping it open, I flinch as the next roll of thunder hits.
“What?” I snap before registering who’s leaning against the doorjamb. Savage. The smirk lifting his lips quickly falls into concern as he looks at me.
“You gonna let me in?” He cups my cheek and brushes his thumb under my eye.
“Why are you here? Don’t you have an interview or something?” I squeeze my arms tighter around myself to keep from crawling out of my skin as another wave of thunder hits. Looks like I’m in for a long day. Just what my anxious brain needs.
“I did, and I came back right after. I’m here now.” He lifts a shoulder and straightens up, cups the back of my neck, and kisses my forehead. “I brought food. Watch a movie with me.”
It’s not a question but not really a demand either. Though I don’t think he would leave if I told him to fuck off. This is what I agreed to, right? Him taking the lead so I can learn how relationship stuff works?
“Why are you here?” I ask again since he hasn’t answered the question.
“Because I wanted to see you?”Did he come back just because he was worried? Am I fucking up his future?
When I lift an eyebrow at him and wait, he smiles a little and winks. Fucker. He knows it makes me weak. Savage steps into my space so my arms are against his chest and dips his head so his breath ghosts my lips when he speaks. “I’m here because I heard storms are hard for you, and I didn’t want you to be alone to deal with it and the stuff with Ambrose.”
My stupid heart flutters in my chest. No one has ever thought about me like this. How the hell am I supposed to process that?Who told him storms bother me?
Ambrose?
“Did you talk to him?” A knot clogs my throat, and I hate myself for wanting him to stay. For wanting this to mean something, for me to mean something. I can’t be what he needs. Logically, I know that. I’m a fucking mess, and he deserves so much more. He’ll get bored of me eventually and take a part of my heart with him. Will I be able to truly love someone when I have so little of my heart left? Everyone I’ve ever loved has kept a piece of me. What’s left is broken, scarred, and brittle.
“Yes. He called me and told me he’s worried about you.”
My heart shatters a little. Ambrose still cares enough to send Savage here.
