Page 117 of The Substitute
My mind instantly conjures Rhys, but I can barely say hi to him without wanting to snap, so I don’t think going to him about my guy issues is going to be productive. I hate that there’s a hesitation to speak to the one person I was so close to for years. Who do I have left? No one except the two I need to talk about, so that’s not helpful.
Hugging myself, I rub my arms and let out a defeated sigh as my shoulders droop.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want Ambrose, but I’m hurt by him, and Savage has been amazing. Why is he even tolerating me being hung up on his step-brother?
As much as I like Savage and Ambrose wanting my attention, I know I can’t do it forever. I’m being pulled in different directions all the time. School is really hard this year, and I have so much studying I need to do…but fuck, it feels good to be wanted. Every time my phone goes off, I get a stupid smile on my face and a flutter in my stomach.
I don’t want to give up either one of them, and maybe that makes me an idiot considering I’m fighting with Ambrose. But even fighting, he still cares about me. He has since the day we met on the bridge even when I was shit to him.
Why am I waiting for one or both of them to walk away? Why am I even considering trying to continue dating both of them? They won’t want that. Should I just let Ambrose go since he’s the one I’m fighting with? But I know half of that is my fault.
Tobi: When will you be home?
Savage: Tomorrow morning. Why?
Tobi: It’s nothing. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Savage: Are you okay?
Tobi: I’m fine.
Savage: why don’t I believe you?
More guilt sets in. Am I spending more time with one than the other? Am I spending enough time studying? I’m keeping up with my classes, but am I doing enough to prep for my GREs? I haven’t decided if I’m going to apply to grad schools or stop with a bachelor’s, and I need to figure that out.
Some days, I feel like a ping-pong ball, going back and forth while they pretend the other one doesn’t exist. But if I’m with Ambrose when my phone buzzes from Savage, he tenses up, and the muscles in his jaw jump. Savage hides it better, but there’s a little shift in the air when Ambrose texts me. I don’t know how to soothe them or myself. It’s not like they don’t know what’s happening, but no one wants to talk about it. At least, notwith me. It’s the proverbial elephant in the room that everyone pretends isn’t there.
Talking things out with Savage just seemed to open a bigger chasm in my chest. I got more clarity and less somehow making me feel even worse.
I just need someone to tell me this isn’t crazy. That I’m not going to get my heart obliterated by these two. That this is totally doable.
Why don’t I have friends?Oh, right. Because I don’t talk to people or leave the dorm unless I have to.
I rub my eyes and wish my head would just shut up. For once, I got what I wanted—someone to want all my time—but now that I have it times two, I’m falling apart.
This is such a weird situation. I’ve never been in a relationship with one person, much less two. Add on that they basically hate each other, and it’s just icing on the cake, I guess.
Does Ambrose even want a relationship? He hasn’t said so, but I don’t think he’s doing anything with anyone else, so maybe? Is it a casual dating thing for Savage? Since I don’t know how he normally does things, I don’t have anything to compare this to. He did all me his boyfriend…
I scrub a hand over my face and stare out the window at the rain.
Surprise, surprise, I’m overthinking this, and I want to bang my head against the glass.
It’s so quiet in here. Empty. Like Ambrose took the energy in the room with him when he left.
This isn’t the first time Ambrose has had to travel and stay away overnight, but it’s different this time. Heavier with the distance between us. I know he won’t be home tonight, won’t smile at me when he walks in, won’t force me to cuddle him while he takes a nap or ravage my mouth to replace the taste of Savage with himself on my lips.
I’m falling for both of them, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. The guilt is eating me alive. How can I have feelings for two people at the same time? Even if one was to walk away right now, I would be crushed.
Just the thought of losing one of them makes my chest ache deep enough that I rub at it.
They’re the opposite but the same. Bossy. Demanding. Sweet, too. They take care of me but in different ways.
The thought makes me smile a little. Ambrose has started sleeping on me after practice when I’m home and brings me food or leaves me something easy to eat. Savage helps me study and makes me take breaks when I need to. Both of them are getting increasingly more possessive, leaving marks that piss off the other one but that I love. It’s proof it’s real.
I’m so screwed.
But they make me feel seen. They don’t get mad when I’m in a shitty mood and picking a fight. Ambrose just cuddles me while Savage makes me talk it out. Different ways to deal with the same problem, I guess.
