Page 64 of Bad Seed
A normal man wouldn’t have a grudge against an inanimate vegetable.
My phone dings and I unplug it from the charger.
Sadie: Hey. Got a new box. Gonna be late.
I start to type ‘It better not be any produce’ but quickly delete it. It’s one thing for her boyfriend to be jealous, another for him to be insane and jealous.
Aubry: I could come over and watch.
She’s typing something. I open the fridge and Astin comes running across the counter. “No.” I close it before he can stick his head in. With a carrot in hand, I scratch my stupid cat, and walk toward the sitting room.
Sadie: Right. “Watch.”
Damn. She knows me too well.
Locking the carrot in my jaws like a cigar, I type double handed.
Aubry: You took photos.
Sadie: Blurry ones.
Aubry: So you need more discipline…
No, that’s too much. I delete my text and instead send.
Aubry: So you need more direction
Her side quivers. I take a deep breath, and I swear I can smell her creaming at the thought. Leaving ‘em yearning used to be my MO as the quiet and mysterious mobster. But I wind up in one small town and suddenly I’m eager to put on a leash to be tied to her bedpost. What has this woman done to me?
Sadie: To do what?
Oh, Sadie’s in a feisty mood. A hundred thoughts steamroll through my mind at once.To swat that ass of yours. To bind your hands behind your back while I eat you out. To run my smooth, purple skin between your tits…
I can’t tell her that last one.
Or could I?
Rawer! Astin screams and the sound of his tiny paws scrabbling across tile echoes from the kitchen. “Astin?” I call out. “You okay?”
My finger’s hovering over the keyboard. I’m not too concerned about my cat. He’s been startled by his own reflection before. Do I do it?
Every time I’m with her and we’re not naked—a rare event—I try to start. But then I worry she won’t let me see her naked anymore and chicken out. This was so much easier when it didn’t matter.
I’m an eggplant.
I turn into an eggplant.
You know about werewolves? I’m like that but for vegetables.
Wanna know why I can fuck you all night long? Turgid cell walls! Cause I’m part eggplant.
She’s going to block me.
My finger drops on the eggplant emoji. That’s me. Purple, long body, hard stem, loads of seeds in my white center.
Even if she believes me, would she want that? People don’t go for men that can fit in crisper drawers.
I hear the jangle of Astin’s collar as he trots out to me. “All better, you big goof?”
