Page 74 of Forever to Fall
Mallory held her breath, unsure of how to comfort Beckett when he was wild with emotions. Her normally stoic friend was crumbling before her eyes, and she had no words of comfort, nothing to reassure him that it would all work out in the end. “No matter what happens, you’ll have me in your life.”
Beckett’s head fell back and he stared at the ceiling for a moment. His throat bobbed as he swallowed, the flush still bright and angry on his skin. “I want all of you, Mal. I want it all.” His head dipped back and he snagged her gaze. His gray eyes were electric behind his smudged glasses, and Mallory didn’t know if she should be afraid or turned on. “You know what I realized last night at the engagement party? Having you on my arm, walking through the evening together? This freaking sucks.”
Misunderstanding his words, Mallory flinched. “Oh,” she said lamely, hating that she didn’t have the words to make this situation better; didn’t have the words to show Beckett they were worth all the potential heart ache.
Finally, if only for an instant, Beckett’s demeanor cracked and he chuckled. “It didn’t suck because I was with you, Mal. It sucked because I wanted to bewithyou. I didn’t want your parents making jabs about us not finding dates, your sisters saying we settled for each other.” He banged his hand on his chest. “I wanted to have you on my arm, hands linked, stolen kisses in front of the whole damn world. I want you, all of you. And I want everyone in our lives to know it and understand it. To see how much we make sense, because from where I’m standing, there won’t be anyone else.”
Mallory’s feet itched to run to him, to close the distance and promise nothing but perfection moving forward. But the image of him leaving with Julia, the lack of explanation when Evan pushed, that still echoed in her mind. “But you didn’t say anything to Evan. Beckett, you left with another woman without a backward glance.”
Beckett ran a hand down his face, his glasses catching at the bridge of his nose. Shoulders sagging, he fell back onto the couch, long limbs akimbo. “Mallory.” The sound of her full name brought her up short. “I could not keep far away enough from that poor woman. No matter where I went, she was there. And all I could think was that I wanted to be anywhere with you. Hell, even in a spaceship headed toward the sun would have been a welcome alternative.”
“Then why did you let me come home alone? Why did you make me out to be the fool, again?”
“Because I don’t have anyone else.” His argument was barely a whisper. At first, Mallory didn’t know what to say, she hated that they were back here again. She’d made a promise to herself never to wait around for Beckett Fox to make the right decision, to choose her.
“I don’t know how else to tell you that—”
“My dad didn’t even come to Gramps’s funeral.” Beckett’s admission rang throughout Mallory’s apartment, and she felt her knees give out.
Easing herself onto the far end of the couch, she pivoted to face him. Beckett didn’t move, his head resting on a cushion, gaze locked at a spot in the distance known only to him. “What?”
He licked his lips and sighed. “My dadtexted,” he emphasized the word, his mouth curled in disgust. “He texted to say he didn’t want to make the trip from California. He heard from the attorney that Gramps left the farm to me, and he didn’t see a reason to come back.”
Abandoning her own emotions, Mallory reached out and took Beckett’s hand. She squeezed it with all her might, hoping he could feel her support through their twined fingers. “Your father isn’t a good person,” she started, hating that she didn’t have more than platitudes to offer. “I’m sorry he didn’t come back.”
Beckett didn’t move, his hand as limp as a dead fish in her own, but he didn’t pull away. “I stood there, at the entrance to the orchard where Gram and Gramps are buried, waiting for Dad to show. I’d called, nearly begged him to join me. I needed the support after losing the most important person in my life. The son of a bitch never even returned my calls.”
“I’m so sorry.” Mallory’s apology was a whisper lost to the moment. They were just words, words that held nothing of value.
“As I stood there,” Beckett continued, his eyes locked in place, “I thought to myself, this is it. I don’t have anyone else who cares about me. Then I thought of you and Evan, and I knew I needed to be closer to you both.” Slowly, he turned his head to face her, and Mallory’s heart cracked in half at his hopeless expression. “I can’t explain it, Mal, but the thought of not having you both in my life guts me. If I’m not Foxy, I’m no one.”
“That’s not true,” Mallory tried to argue, but Beckett wasn’t having it.
“I have my online friends, strangers who share my love of video games and fantasy worlds, but I don’t have connections with anyone else. I don’t want to be alone anymore, but I don’t know how to fix this.”
Suddenly, he pulled himself to standing and strode toward the door. “I want to be with you, but I can’t lose my only friend too. I don’t know how to be everything to everyone, but I promise I’ll try.” His hand on the door knob, Beckett turned and added, “I don’t want to lose you, Mal.”
Cemented to the couch, Mallory watched helplessly as Beckett closed the door behind him with a quiet snick. He was still grieving, he was still raw... and he was still hers.
Mallory didn’t know how, but they had to figure this out. Since getting Beckett back in her life, everything burst with color and warmth. She couldn’t fathom a future without his crooked glasses and red hair in her life. He wasn’t alone in this world, and she needed to find a way to prove it.
And the sooner, the better.
