Page 119 of Winterset
Ollie,
It’s been one year since you left. I convinced myself that you would return to Summerhaven today. I don’t know why. I sat up all night in my study, waiting for you to walk in the door. Obviously, you didn’t. I tried to hide my disappointment from Hannah, but she knew. She always knows. I cannot hide anything from my wife. It is a wonderful feeling to be known so well by someone. But it made me realize that one day, you will marry, and I won’t even know. Perhaps you already have. The thought guts me. Come home.
Ollie,
Charlie writes that you’ve moved to Italy. That you are doing better there. I’m glad. But, Ollie, you should be here. If you were here, we could ride the hills together every day, just as we did when we were boys. I miss those times, Ollie. I miss sitting with you at the pianoforte. I miss skipping stones across the river. Do you? Come home.
Ollie,
I want to tell you why I distanced myself from you when we were boys. I want to explain why I maintained that distance for so long. I want you to understand why I gave you the cut direct when we were at Eton and why I stopped sitting with you at the pianoforte. But I don’t want to write it in a letter. I want to talk to you face-to-face. I want to look you in the eye. I want to beg for your forgiveness. And I want to wrap my arms around you and tell you how much I love you. How much you are needed and wanted in this family. I want you to know more than anything that you belong. Please, I am begging you. Come home.
Ollie,
It’s been two years. I still have not formally accepted my title. I don’t know that I ever will. How could I accept a title that has caused us both so much pain? Come home.
In every letter, he’d writtenCome home. Did he mean it? He’d told me he hadn’t forgotten me, and after reading all his letters, I wondered if it could be true. I wanted it to be. There were so many things I wanted to speak with him about. I wanted to hear more about the stables and Father’s funeral and my niece or nephew. I wanted to tell him things too. About my Grand Tour and Winterset and especially Kate.
I’d see him soon, I hoped. And maybe we could talk. I wondered if time and distance had caused too much of a rift for us to overcome. There was no way of knowing, not until I returned to Summerhaven. And I couldn’t go yet, for Kate’s sake. I wouldn’t risk leading Markham to her.
There was one more thing I realized, though, reading Damon’s letters. Although he’d repeatedly beseeched me tocome home, Summerhaven was not my home.
It had felt like home when I was a boy: sitting at the pianoforte with Damon, running through the garden hedgerows with Hannah, and learning how to read with Mother. Even though Summerhaven might be my family seat, it had not felt like home for a long time.
I’d lived in many places, but none of them had been home to me. Even Winterset, which was the closest to it, hadn’t felt the same since Kate had left.
What was home anyway?
I’d always known that one day I would live at Winterset. As I’d worked with Kate to repair it, it had begun to feel like a home. I’d mistakenly thought the repairs and improvements were what had made my feelings change. Then Kate had left, and now it felt like nothing more than a foundation and empty walls.
The place where I’d had a purpose, a place where I’d felt needed, loved, and like I belonged, had reverted back to being a building void of sentiment.
My whole life, I had been looking for home, not realizing it wasn’t merely the place one lived. As I sat in my study, I realized ... Winterset wasn’t my home. Without Kate, it would never be more than an empty house.
I suddenly understood. I finally knew what Damon had known all along: home was not a place but the people you loved.
Katewas my home.
That was why it hurt so much being separated from her.
But what if we didn’t have to live at Winterset?
My heart raced with the realization.
When my brother had been willing to give up Summerhaven for Hannah, I’d thought him mad. I’d thought he’d been bartering our family’s future for a feeling.
I understood now why he’d been willing to risk Summerhaven. It was because it was just a house.
I didn’t need a house or wealth or a title to be happy. In fact, it was mylackof a title and entailment on my estate that was my greatest asset. Unlike Damon, who was legally bound to keep Summerhaven, as second son, I wasn’t limited by such strict rules.
Winterset was not entailed. I could sell the estate, and then Kate and I could start a new life wherever we wanted. We could move to the other side of the world if we desired, and Markham would never find us.
It seemed so obvious now.
I stood, eager to begin preparations to sell this house and begin my new life. My new solicitor would think me mad. I’d just hired him to help me get my estate in order, and now I wanted to sell it. But I didn’t care what he thought of me.
I stepped into the entrance hall, and the front door swung open.
It was Mrs. Owensby.
