Page 34 of Healed Heart
He nods warmly.“Don’t mention it.I’m happy to help.Dr.Steel spoke highly of you.”
“Did she?”I raise an eyebrow.“She hardly knows me.”
“Melanie Steel can get to know more about a person in five minutes than most can in a lifetime,” he says.“She’sthatgood.”
I frown.“What did she say about me?”
“She said you were highly intelligent…and highly skeptical about psychiatry.”
I can’t help a chuckle.“That’d be me.”
“So that’s an accurate representation?”Dr.Engel asks.
I think that’s what I just said.God, already he’s trying to analyze me.
“I would,” I say, admitting the obvious.“I’ve always been more on the side of logic and reason.”
Dr.Engel chuckles.“And you believe psychiatry lacks those attributes?”
“I wouldn’t say itlacksthem,” I reply.“More like it’s not as concrete or precise as the other medical fields.The human mind is a complex thing.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” Dr.Engel says.“The brain is the most complex supercomputer ever created.Even after centuries of study, we’re still finding out new things about it every day.We’re going to get things wrong from time to time.But then again”—he lifts his eyebrows—“so do physicians in all fields.”
He’s got me there.It’s a speech I have memorized for every new batch of medical students I teach.I gave it most recently to Angie’s class.
When I became a general surgery attending years ago, I had made many mistakes.All young surgeons have by the time they complete their residency.You will take a life.You won’t do it on purpose, of course, but one day, a mistake you make will take the life of another human being.You will have to live with that.You will have to learn from that.
When I don’t respond after a minute, Dr.Engel continues, “Now, let’s start with this surgery.I understand the board is concerned about your mental state due to the trauma of loss you’ve experienced.”
I cross my legs, sit back in the chair.“That’s what they say.”
He leans toward me, his expression unreadable.“But you’renotconcerned.”
“Not really.”
“Dr.Steel also mentioned that you don’t have an adequate support system.”
“I believe she’s wrong about that.”
Except she’s not wrong.I’m an only child, my parents are both deceased, and I let all my friendships go after Julia and Lindsay died.It was easier that way.I couldn’t stand the pitiful glances.
“And you believe that’s why you’re here?”Dr.Engel asks, tilting his head slightly to one side.
“I believe I’m here because the board thinks I need help.”I meet his gaze squarely.“Maybe they’re right, and maybe they’re not.I guess that’s for you to decide.”
Dr.Engel doesn’t respond right away.Instead, he leans back in his chair.“Well, Dr.Lansing,” he says after a moment, “I think we can both agree that the human mind is indeed a complicated thing.And dealing with loss… Well, that’s one of the hardest things any human being can experience.Especially the loss of a spouse or a child.”
I narrow my eyes.“Are you saying that I’m not dealing with it?”
“Not at all,” he replies.“What I’m saying is that it’s okay to need help, even if you don’t think you do.”
The room falls silent again.I look away from Dr.Engel, my thoughts spinning with the possibility of what he’s trying to say.
“Maybe,” I begin, “but I’ve been coping just fine.”
“Have you?”Dr.Engel asks.
“I’m still here,” I say simply.
