Page 44 of A Second Chance for Carys
She shook her head. He meant well, and she was grateful for it, but she knew the truth. As painful as it would be to bare it all, she would have to explain how she was certain she was unable to carry children. She could not afford to leave a shred of doubt lingering in James’ mind, not when there was so much at stake. He needed to trust that he would never find himself in a position to father a child, or he would never give them a chance. Too scared of another potentially devastating loss, he would not be able to let himself go in her arms, no matter how much hewanted to, like he had with Joanne. Eventually, it would become a problem.
But they didn’t have to go through any of this, not when she knew his seed would never take root inside her.
“No, I know I was the barren one, not Dewi,” she said, her voice low and emotionless.
“How?”
Thank God he couldn’t see her, for she had surely gone bright red. What would he make of her explanation, which would present her in an unfavorable light? But despite her embarrassment, she didn’t consider lying.
“After Dewi’s death, I was still quite young, at least young enough to hope I might bear a babe. I didn’t want to remarry but I thought perhaps I could have a child or two of my own to love. As you say, I couldn’t be certain I was the one at fault. If my husband had been the barren one then there was still a chance I could conceive with another man. So I…”
“You found yourself a lover,” James supplied when she faltered. He didn’t sound condemning, for which she was grateful. He made it seem like it had been a reasonable decision.
“Yes. It was not for pleasure, but because I hoped to get with child,” she specified all the same. “Which was a good thing because it didn’t…He wasn’t…”
Once again, he came to her rescue when the words eluded her. “The man did not give you pleasure, you mean.”
“No, not really.”
Alun had not been rough, or even without skill, but she had never felt much in his arms. Certainly she had never experienced the storm of release Dewi had known to unleash inside her. Of course, he’d never noticed. Or perhaps he had, but he’d not really cared. And neither had she. Satisfaction had not been what their encounters were about. In her heart she had still been Dewi’s wife, so perhaps the fault had not been all his. Perhapsshe had her share of responsibility in the whole affair. Perhaps she’d not been ready to accept another man’s touch and let herself go. In any case, it did not matter.
What she had wanted from Alun, she’d never gotten.
“I bedded him for almost a year, to no avail. My womb never once quickened.” Before he could point out that it did not mean anything, that sometimes it took time for couples to conceive, as evidenced by Branwen and Matthew, who could not keep their hands from one another and yet were still waiting for their first child to be born, she carried on. “One day a young woman came to the village, in search of Dewi. She said that he was her father and she looked too much like him for me to doubt her claim.”
James’ hold around her tightened. “Oh, Carys. That will have been terrible for you to hear.” There was sorrow in his voice.
His concern warmed her. “No, it’s not what you think. He was never unfaithful to me. Given her age, it was clear the girl had been conceived in his youth, before he and I met. But I understood that day that if he was her father, then he could not be the barren one in our marriage. I stopped seeing Alun after that and moved to the village close to Castell Esgyrn. There, I met Branwen and Eirwen. When their mother died, Branwen was ten and Eirwen not yet seven. I took them under my roof. Having them with me helped me make my peace with the fact that I would never have my own children.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“No, I’m the one who is sorry. I shouldn’t complain to you, when you lost your children so tragically. ’Tis worse to lose someone you love and have seen grow than never to have had anyone.”
He’d had to watch as his son slowly lost his grip on life. He’d had to accept he would never see his daughters open their eyes. He’d had to lift the lifeless body of his little boy from the cot he’d placed him in the night before, after a goodnight kiss.
All of this was worse.
“I don’t know. Pain is pain, and you suffered, if for different reasons.” He cupped her face in his hands. “I’m sorry, I wish you hadn’t gone through that.”
“Thank you.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes. Hold me, just like that.”
He did hold her. For a long moment in the small room, and then all through the night. Because when the time came to get to bed, he led her to his own room without a word. She lay next to him and then in his arms as if it were the most natural thing to do.
And perhaps it was.
Chapter Twelve
Waking up alone in James’ bed, Carys took a long time to stretch and think.
How had the two of them ended up in a bed together and not made love last night? Every time they saw one another, sparks flew, and she knew they were equally desperate. Only the day before in the room at the back of the solar they had been on the brink of making use of the table, rickety as it was, exposed as it was. And yet, once they had been alone in a comfortable bed, away from prying ears and eyes, all they had thought about was hugging and offering one another comfort.
It could have been frustrating, yet somehow it had been more satisfying than if they had ripped at each other’s clothes in a frenzy of lust, as they might have as untrained youths. It had seemed so much more meaningful.
Still, that didn’t mean Carys had forgotten her need for James’ touch, and she was sure he ached for her as well. There was no mistaking the way he looked at her.
