Page 29 of A Second Chance for Carys
Fuck, fuck,fuck!
James rarely swore in his head, much less out loud, but if ever an occasion warranted it, this was it. He planted his axe in the birch in front of him, unleashing his fury on the hapless tree. Margaret was with child.Hischild.
A child who might die, like all the others.
Another swing of the axe separated a small branch from the tree trunk. As awful as it was, the fact that she was with child wasn’t even the worst of it. He might have been able to push aside his fears long enough to calm down and remember that not all children died. But Margaret was carrying a child he didn’t even remember conceiving. As far as he knew, the two of them had never slept together. So how was this possible? All day yesterday after leaving her in the bailey and all night he’d asked himself the same question, all morning he’d tried to find an answer as he hacked at the trees, without managing to come up with a single one.
Abandoning the axe, he slammed a fist into the oak to his left and howled when his skin split on the bark and pain reverberated all along his arm. Damn it all, he was too old to be so rash! Breaking his arm wouldn’t help in any way.
“Fuck!” he exploded again, cradling his fist against his stomach. This was a disaster.
Because the biggest problem of all was not his fear of the baby dying, or the worrying memory lapse concerning its conception, it was the consequences Margaret’s revelation would have on his life. If she was really carrying his child, then he would have to marry her. Which meant nothing could ever happen between him and Carys.
Fuck. This time the word didn’t pass his lips. It only split his skull.
He couldn’t be without her now, and he wasn’t sure how he was going to survive this last, awful loss.
“Is there a problem?” a tentative voice, coming from behind him.
Yes. You could say that.
He turned to face Carys, who was looking at him with wide blue eyes. She had gone into the forest as she did most days, to forage for Avice. With her basket full of leaves and her green dress, she looked like a spring nymph, whereas with his dark clothes and bleeding hand he most likely resembled a demon from the underworld. In other words, they were two creatures that could never be reunited.
Damnation! Only the day before he had resolved to go to her and open up about his intentions regarding a possible future together. A moment later he had been told it would never happen, all because of a woman he did not want but might well have to marry and a babe he did not remember fathering, a child who had reawakened the fears he’d worked so hard to suppress.
Oh, the irony of it. Richard had once told him his story, how he’d been prevented from being with the woman he loved because he’d done his duty by the mother of his son instead, a woman he had bedded in a moment of boredom one summer, without really feeling anything for her.
Well, what was happening to him was even worse. He was not paying a hard price for having wanted to indulge his senses, and thought nothing of the consequences, he had done nothing he could claim to regret, because he did not even remember bedding Margaret.
The conception of this baby had to have happened when he was not aware of what he was doing, he had at least established that during his long, sleepless night. It was the only way to explain the fact that he didn’t remember sleeping with his sister-in-law—and the only way to account for it. Had he been of sound mind, he would never have touched Joanne’s younger sister. But if they had slept together while he was delirious with fever, he would have been unable to see the encounter for the mistake it was.
It was not difficult to imagine the scene. Margaret had come to tend to him during the night and he, startled by the appearance of a woman so near to him, fueled by a desire he’d suppressed for too long, unable to think with his head, had drawn her into his arms. Instead of trying to make him see reason, she had surrendered to his caresses, clumsy as they must have been. Hadn’t he noticed that she seemed eager to woo him during his previous visit? She would have thought she’d won at last, maybe hoped he would agree to start a relationship with her.
It would have been a blow to realize in the morning that he had no recollection of what had happened, and no intention of staying with her. But it was hard to sympathize, for what else could she have expected? It would have been obvious he had no idea what he was doing while he bedded her.
No, she would have known deep down that it had meant nothing, save the slaking of an uncontrollable lust. Still, considering she’d been after his favors before their wild romp,he was surprised she had not tried to stop him when he’d left and only come back when she’d discovered she was with child.
Damn it all, to think he had stopped himself from taking Carys that day at the beach and every day since then because he was worried about losing control and getting her with child! And now, as a reward for his efforts, he was told he had fathered a child in a semi-conscious state, on a woman he didn’t feel anything toward, and he had to live with the consequences, this on the day he’d decided to finally push his fears aside.
It was plain cruelty.
“Margaret, my sister-in-law is here,” he said eventually, running his good hand through his hair.
“Yes. I heard she arrived yesterday.” The look Carys threw him made it clear she was wondering why the news should send him into such a state.
“She is.” Dear Lord, how was he to tell her the news? If, as he had cause to think, she had feelings for him and hopes for a future together, his declaration would be a blow. In the end he decided it was best to be blunt. She would be used to it by now. “She claims to be carrying my child.”
Cary’s face fell at the same time as his chest caved in. Having said the words out loud had made the situation he was facing all too real.
“I see.” Her gaze flickered to his mangled hand. “And the prospect frightens you.”
Frightened, horrified and angered him all at once. He didn’t want to end his life as Margaret’s husband. He didn’t love her, or even feel any particular affection toward her. A few weeks ago he’d thought they would never set eyes on each other again and the prospect had suited him just fine. And more to the point, he’d had other plans, plans involving another woman.
A woman who looked as crestfallen as he felt. Fuck, he’d been right, shehadfeelings and hopes, and she was struggling not express them, so as not to add to his burden.
Carys was struggling to absorb the news she’d just heard. James was going to be a father? She didn’t know whether to be devastated on behalf of her poor heart, which had difficulty beating normally, or filled with pity for what he must be suffering right now. His bleeding hand and scowling face were enough to tell her he felt nothing like Matthew felt at the prospect of the imminent birth.
Then she stilled.
