Page 19 of A Second Chance for Carys
“What about the relationship between your parents?” she asked instead. Having to live with the proof of his wife’s infidelity would have been hard for any man.
“I’m not sure what their relationship was before they left for Venezia but they managed to find a way to live together. What other choice did they have?” James asked bitterly. “I’m certain they would have preferred to go their separate ways but they had children to raise and a business to run. They just behaved as if nothing had happened. But I know they never left England again, and never made the fortune they’d hoped to make that summer.”
“How terrible.” Say what he might, James’ father, or rather the man acting as his father, would have resented him not only for reminding him of his wife’s betrayal, but also possibly for putting an end to his dreams of grandeur.
“Yes. When I was old enough to understand such matters, I started to wonder if my mother had been forced or seduced by the Egyptian merchant.” Carys stayed silent. She had been wondering the same thing a moment ago. Did he have the answer to that terrible question? “Then one day, when I was about sixteen, she told me she had been unable to resist the lure of a man the likes of which she had never seen before. She told me I looked exactly like him and would one day be able to get all the women I wanted in my bed. It took me a long time to forgive her this confidence I didn’t want to hear.”
Yes, she could well imagine such a confession would have been a burden to him. But how not to sympathize with the woman? If the Egyptian merchant had possessed half of his son’s dark appeal, it was no wonder she had succumbed to temptation. Hadn’t Carys herself done the same that very afternoon?
Yes, she had. But, unlike James’ mother at the time, she was not married. She had been free to act on the desire she felt toward James, and she shouldn’t feel guilty about what they had done. She didn’t exactly, or at least, she didn’t feel she had betrayed her husband’s memory. It was not so much the fact that they had shared intimacies only lovers shared that made her ill-at-ease, but rather the nature of those intimacies. Their tryst had been wild, and it had all been for her benefit.
James had not gotten any pleasure out of it, save the one of?—
“Don’t worry about it,” he said in a low rumble.
Carys started. How had he guessed what she was thinking about? Had she talked out loud again, as she was wont to do? It was possible.
“And there is no shame in what we did,” he continued. “It cannot have been new to you. I have not missed the way you speak about your late husband. You loved him and he loved you, so it stands to reason he would have wanted to ensure your satisfaction in bed. Do not tell me he didn’t give you such intimate pleasure?”
Well, as far as personal questions went, this one was rather blunt. Why was she even surprised? The man was nothing if not blunt. Nevertheless, she answered.
“No, of course Dewi pleasured me, in more ways than one.”
Carys blushed, unsure whether James would like her answer. Would he not prefer to hear he’d been the only one who’d ever made her explode in pleasure? Men had their ego, she knew, but she could not have lied and pretended Dewi had not cared about her needs or tried to bring her satisfaction in bed. He had. But he had never been that scandalous. He would never have lain with her outside in the open, at the risk of being walked upon. He had never made her beg for his attentions. He had never feasted on every part of her, including the most forbidden one. Up until that day, she would not have thought such a thing possible, and if she had, she would have thought James Mortimer the last man willing to indulge in such decadence.
“What about your wife? Did she give you pleasure?” she asked, not feeling equal to the task of discussing what she and Dewi had done or not done in bed. Being on horseback and not looking at one another helped with the awkwardness of the conversation, but it was still rather intimate.
“Yes, she did.” He didn’t hesitate. “I loved her, but, even if I hadn’t, as I’m sure you’re aware, it is much easier for a man to reach his pleasure anyway.”
Another blunt statement. But he had a point, Carys had to admit. She had not felt much during her encounters with Alun, the first man she had taken to her bed after Dewi’s death,but he certainly had, even if he had not felt anything special toward her. There definitely was an inequality between men and women’s ability to feel pleasure, her discussions with her female friends had made that clear. Not many of them had a satisfactory marriage in that respect. As far as she could tell, she had been one of a few whose sensual needs had been fulfilled by their husbands.
Which only made what she had found with Dewi, and now with James, more special. She would fight for it.
“Why didn’t you, then?”
“Didn’t what?”
“Reach your pleasure, earlier. With m-me.” Not having expected to have to spell it out, she was stammering dreadfully. Surely he knew what she meant? “Why didn’t you take me after you…” Her voice trailed when he finally looked at her. His eyes were two black pools of fire.
“Because it is only too possible that, in taking you, I would lose a part of me. And I fear I haven’t any left to spare.”
It was a few days before Carys built up the courage to look James in the eye.
His unexpected, puzzling answer was lingering between them like heavy mist, muddling her thoughts, blurring her understanding.In taking you, I would lose a part of me. And I haven’t any left to spare.What had he meant by those cryptic words?
She had no idea.
So she kept her distance as much as she could and, whenever they met, as was inevitable in such a small place, she did not exchange more than a perfunctory word with him. Mercifully,he did not push the issue, allowing her time to come to terms with the sudden and puzzling development in their relationship. The weather decided to help her by holding off rain and going as far as letting the sun shine. This clemency meant that she could spend her days away from the castle, foraging in the forest for plants to bring back to Avice.
Spring was now well underway and Carys let the simple pleasure of being out in nature wash over her. This was her first English spring, and it felt somehow significant, like a fresh opportunity to be seized.
But a fresh opportunity to do what?
All she could think of revolved around James. But he didn’t seem prepared to give them a chance, crippled by fears she didn’t understand.
In taking you, I would lose a part of me. And I haven’t any left to spare.
Justwhatdid he mean? It was an odd thing to say, as anyone would agree. But perhaps the oddest thing of all was the thought whirring in her own head in response to his statement:In allowing you to take me, I would gain a part of me I refused to accept I needed. And it would finally make me complete.
