Page 67 of Saxon Blade Norman Blood
It was too much.
She sagged against him.
“I have wanted you from that first day, when we were interrupted. I swear, Rowena, today the Devil himself can come knocking at my door—nothing will stop me from having you.”
No, nothing, except her, perhaps. At least, assuming he would listen to her doubts and heed her wishes… She had to speak now or it would be too late.
She took a step away from him. Her lips felt swollen from their urgent kiss, but the arousal in her body had turned to ice.
William saw it and his own face underwent a transformation. “What’s the matter? Sweet, speak to me.”
“I-I’m sorry but I… I’m scared.”
Rowena stood there, panting and confused, not quite knowing what to say. She was not frightened of William himself, but for all that she could not help a sense of panic. What would his reaction be when she told him she wasn’t sure she could bed him after all? He’d just told her he was ready for her, and nothing, or no one, would stop him.
When he’d kissed her, she had struggled to make sense of what was happening to her body. This kiss had been different from the one they had shared by the river, that much she knew. It had felt like a promise for more, the fiery proof of his desire. Only a man about to bed her would kiss her like this.
What if he was so lost to his desire he dismissed her qualms? She knew first-hand what men were capable of when their blood was up, and for long months, she had been afraid of lovemaking, considering it the worst thing that could happen to her.
As if that was not enough, she could not ignore that her first time would hurt—she had heard it said enough times. Virgins experienced pain. Virgins bled. All her fears could not be swept away in a heartbeat, even if she sensed William would make the moment as painless as possible for her. Try as she may, she could not get past the idea that a man’s possession had to hurt. Witnessing her mother’s assault had had a profound effect on her. In her mind, pain and suffering were irremediably linked to lovemaking. For that reason, she’d thought she would remain a virgin all her life.
And then she’d met William.
Ironically, the man who had set in motion the series of events ending in her mother’s death, the man at the heart of her fears, was the only one she could ever consider as a potential lover. That first day, when he had touched her in an incomprehensible way, he had forced her to see that what happened between a man and a woman was not necessarily painful or degrading.
It could be mind-blowing.
Yet, as delicious as his caresses had been, she was very aware that he had not entered her flesh. What if penetration hurt? What if she could not bear the pain of it? She could not conceive how it couldn’t hurt. She had never seen men’s private parts, but what she had glimpsed at the front of their hose when they were aroused made her wary of seeing more. Even now, as William had kissed her, she had felt him against her, hard as rock. Surely such hardness was impossible, unnatural. How could it not be painful to be taken by a man and have that hardness skewer her?
Gazing deep into his hazel eyes, she decided to tell him the truth. If she could not do it with him, she would not be able to do it with anyone else. He knew of her mother’s demise, so he would understand her qualms. He would be gentle if she told him the reason behind her fear, she was sure of it. Besides, if she didn’t speak out now, she would have to leave without knowing what making love to him felt like, and that thought was unbearable.
“I’m scared,” she repeated.
He gave an incredulous laugh. “Scared, you? The woman who stood up to an assembly of angry, unreasonable men to save my life, who steeled herself to murder me in the middle of a castle brimming with Norman warriors, who rode my impetuous stallion even though she is frightened of horses? That woman is scared?”
“Yes.”
The laughter died in his throat when he saw from her trembling lips that it was not a jest. His eyes softened, and he took her hands in his. “You are not scared of me, are you, Rowena? Surely you don’t think I would hurt you? After everything we’ve been through?”
“No, but I have never lain with a man. Except with you at Old Sarum, that is, even if we did not… I mean… What I’m trying to say is that I’m a virgin and…”
He visibly relaxed, as if to say that, as long as she was not afraid of him, the rest could be overcome. And perhaps it could be.
“Thank God you’re still a virgin,” he breathed stroking her cheek tenderly. “I feared many times you had been raped and never dared to tell me. In the three weeks I’ve known you, I’ve had to watch men leering after you on more occasion than I care to remember. And despite what you told me, I was not quite convinced Gilles and Sylvain had not seen you that day.”
His brow darkened. He had said “seen” but it was clear he meant “raped.” Hugues de Malemort, Leowald, the men in the clearing… It was true she had escaped assault many a time in the weeks they had spent together, and he did not even know about his two servants.
“No,” she told him quietly. “No man has ever bedded me.”
“Listen, Rowena. I want you more than I can say, we both know that.” He glanced briefly at the bulge at the front of his hose and gave a grunt. Indeed, he could not lie. He was desperate for her. “But if you are scared, I will not touch you. I will wait. Because I don’t just want you in my bed. I want you in my life.”
Instinct told her it took him all his resolve to promise not to take her when he was bursting with need. She immediately shook her head.
“No. I want you to touch me. I never thought such a thing would happen, but with you I feel I could overcome my dread of lovemaking.” Desire flared in his eyes at her words. “I am only telling you because I have been afraid of it ever since my mother…”
She could not finish but he nodded and drew her into his arms. “It is all too understandable that you should be wary after witnessing that terrible scene. You would be scarred by the experience and associate lovemaking with pain and humiliation, how could you not? You probably think men as dumb brutes only governed by lust, and I’m ashamed to say all too often they are.”
“I don’t think that, not precisely, and I know you’re nothing like that. But I’m afraid it will hurt.”
