Page 24 of Loving the Blacksmith
“Why are you here?” he cut in, annoyed at her insistence, annoyed even more by his weakness. He should not want to lift her into his arms, he should not be hoping to hear that she had changed her mind, like Dunne had done about Björn’s offer. He should refuse to listen to her and storm out. “Have you come to beg me to have you now that the possibility of marrying the man you wanted is gone? How many times did you make him come like you did me since you arrived in the village? Well, whatever you did, it was all for nothing, for the only woman he wants is Dunne,”
It was a low blow, but he could not help himself. Her rejection had hurt too deeply for him to be reasonable. How had he not guessed that she had refused him because she was in love with another man, a man she could never have, because he would only ever have eyes for the woman he had married this afternoon? He should have relished her suffering, thinking it just retribution for the pain and humiliation she had inflicted on him, but, like the fool he was, he felt nothing but sympathy. He knew all too well how painful it was to be left behind by people you loved and he could not wish the agony on anyone, much less the woman standing in front of him.
“I’ve never made Björn or anyone else come, only you.” She sounded hurt rather than outraged at the suggestion, as if she had hoped better from him. For a long moment she stayedsilent, then she straightened to her full height, as if she’d taken a decision. He tensed up in turn. Finally they would get to the heart of the matter. “I’m here to tell you that Ingrid is mistaken. I never wanted Björn. I want you. No one else.”
Everything within him surged.
I want you. No one else.
The very words he had never heard in his life, and always hankered after. Could he dare to hope she meant them, and everything would be all right? No. Not yet. Being too hasty had gotten him in all sorts of trouble. He needed to understand, ensure he was not making another mistake.
“You want me, yet you refused to marry me.” It made no sense. But hadn’t Dunne refused Björn’s offer of marriage a few days ago? And now they were husband and wife. Perhaps there was no accounting for what went on in a woman’s mind.
“Yes. I told you I could not marry you, not that I did not want to.”
Brow furrowed, he realized she was right. She had said “I can’t marry you” not “I don’t want to”. Why not? What was there to stop her? Was she already married? Was that why she had left her village at the first opportunity? To flee a husband she didn’t love? It was not impossible. Björn had told him she was fleeing something.
There was an ominous silence. Even as the thought crossed his mind, Magnus wondered how a silence could be ominous.
Like this, his fevered mind told him.Exactly like this.
Heart drumming in his chest, he waited.
When Agnes started talking, she did so in a flat voice that tugged at his heart. “My mother married a man she didn’t love at a young age and bore him ten children. She lost three of the babes, and almost died giving birth to the last one, when I was seven years old. She died earlier this year, still young. I have no doubt all the pregnancies brought her to an early grave.”
“I’m sorry,” Magnus said inadequately. This was awful but he couldn’t see what it had to do with her refusing his offer of marriage.
“When she lost the babes my father didn’t offer her a word of comfort. When she gave birth, he didn’t think to preserve her health by waiting until she’d recovered properly before resuming his visits to her bed. He only ever cared about his pleasure. He never cared about me, his only surviving daughter, either. In his mind, having strapping sons proved his virility as a lover but daughters, and women in general, are useless, only good to be bedded when men need relief.” She paused. “That’s why I must refuse your offer of marriage.”
Magnus blinked. Why would the fact that her father was a despicable individual not worthy of the name prevent her from marrying him? He’d never met the man, would most likely never meet him, so how could it be an issue?
“Forgive me, but I don’t understand. What does your parents’ sad story have to do with it all?”
Though it was dark, he thought he saw the glint of a tear fall on her cheek. He almost reached out to wipe it.
“I’m scared. I don’t want to spend my life like my mother, either with child, or nursing a babe. I don’t want to lie in bed for weeks recovering from a difficult birth and dreading the next time my husband comes to my bed to fill my belly with his child. I’m a delicate woman, much more than my mother was, and I don’t know how my body could bear it.” The sobs she had done her best to keep at bay finally broke through. “It killed her in the end, and I’m very afraid it might kill me too.”
The confession tore at Magnus’ heart. To think he had accused her of being in love with another man and pleasuring him to win his favor, when the reason for refusing his offer of marriage had been fear. What a boor he really was.
Her pain is my painBjörn had said about the woman he loved. Yes. And now Magnus felt that Agnes’ fears were his to soothe.
Without further ado, he swept her into his arms, cradling her against his chest. He couldn’t bear to see her cry, but she was right. She was so delicate it was hard to imagine her body going through the ordeal of giving birth time and time again. Her fears were legitimate. Hadn’t he thought himself the other day that giving birth was a time fraught with danger for women and that he would hate having to go through what Wolf had gone through with the birth of his second son?
“So you refused me because you don’t want to marry at all, not because you didn’t want me?” he asked once she had stopped crying.
It had not been personal, she simply thought that remaining an unmarried virgin was the only way not to endanger her health. The relief was overwhelming.
He felt her nod against his chest. “I told you, I want you. But I cannot become your wife, it wouldn’t be fair to you. If we marry, you will want children, as any man does, and deserves. Only I can’t be the woman giving them to you. So, I have no choice but to refuse your offer, as much as it kills me. ’Tis for the best. One day you will see it.” Her face hidden in the crook of his neck, she started sobbing again. “And maybe I will too.”
But Magnus knew he would never accept such a thing. If they never married, he would regret it all his life. And so would she. He could not let that happen. Somehow, he needed to find a way to make her see that he wanted her, nothing else. If they never had children, then so be it. He could make his peace with it, as long as she stayed with him to rearrange his tools in odd shapes and wash his back when he helped rescue little girls from burning huts.
He placed her back on the floor and brought his face close to her so she could look him in the eye.
“Sweet. Listen to me. Our marriage doesn’t have to be like your parents’ was. It will never be like that. We’ll make our own way. You’re not your mother, and I’m not your father.” He gritted his teeth. No, he wasn’t like that bastard who thought women were only here to see to his needs. “I don’t think women are a vessel for my seed, regardless of the consequences for their health and happiness. I don’t expect you to spend half your life carrying or nursing my babies. But there are ways to prevent that.”
She stilled. “There are?” She sounded dubious, as if she thought he was only trying to appease her but at least she wasn’t crying anymore.
Hate flooded him. Because of her selfish father’s behavior, she had no idea that men could be considerate enough to ensure the woman they bedded did not end up with child every time.
