Page 44 of A Husband for Esyllt
“Oh, God, I’m so sorry...” She sat on the bed and took his hand in hers. It was warm and big. So big. So strong. And yet inthat moment he appeared so fragile. Her heart broke for him. “I didn’t know.”
“I know you didn’t, even if I think you suspected something. What did Matthew tell you about them?” he asked softly. “My girls?”
Of course... The day of the hide and seek game, when she had revealed his brother’s taunt. She remembered Connor’s outbursts of anger at the mere mention of children, how he had flared up despite being a measured man. Now she knew why the topic was a sensitive one. Because he had lost a child, and a wife, in traumatic circumstances. No wonder he had not welcomed any probing on her part.
“He said that you could only father girls, that I would never be able to give you an heir. I know he was trying to rile me, but at the time I thought Jane was an only child, that’s why I wondered if you had?—”
She did not finish her sentence. Not only did she not want to remind him of her clumsy accusations regarding illegitimate children, but he had gone deathly pale. He ran a hand over his face like a man trying to chase a nightmarish vision. That he was reliving the moment he’d been handed his dead baby was obvious.
“I fathered three girls,” he said in a voice she had never heard before. “Two of them are dead. Jane’s twin sister, Elspeth, died six months ago, of a fever. She fought bravely for a week, we all hoped she would make it, but in the end...” His voice caught in his throat and he fell back on the bed, hiding his face with his bent arm.
“Oh, Lord, I’m sorry,” Esyllt whispered, feeling sick to her stomach. To lose a baby at birth was awful, but a little girl he had seen grow and learned to love was unthinkable. How had he not gone mad with grief? Even as the question crossed her mind, she knew the answer.
Because of Jane.
He’d had to stay strong for his surviving child. There had been no other choice, her father was all she had left from her loving family.
Connor gave her hand a squeeze. “That’s the real reason I accepted the king’s orders. I could have made my peace with never marrying again, in fact I think I would have preferred it at the time, but Jane was too young. She needs a stepmother, and a sister. I chose you because I was told about Siân. Jane would be so glad to have a stepsister her own age. I thought...” He paused. “She will never forget Elspeth, of course, but I hoped it might help her get over the worst of the grief. And Siân has proven to be the support she needed not to collapse, and more. I will never thank her enough for that. Between you, you and Siân have given me my daughter back. I had not heard her laugh in months when Matthew brought her to Esgyrn Castle.”
The lump in Esyllt’s throat almost prevented her from talking but she made the effort. “I’m glad we could help.”
Now she understood everything. The way Jane insisted on sleeping with Siân, their limbs entwined together, her protectiveness about her new friend, the look on Connor’s face when his daughter had mentioned a secret language between the two of them. She had heard that twins sometimes shared such a connection. It seemed that Jane was trying to recreate with Siân what she’d had with Elspeth.
Her heart squeezed in compassion.
It was what she had thought all along. This man had a secret wound. He was not the ruthless, uncaring man she had feared he would be when Gruffydd had forced her into this union. She had been attracted to him from the first, before she’d known who he was. But then, after his awful deception, she’d thought it wiser to steel herself against her treacherous feelings. It had been much safer to think him as detached as he strove to appear.
But now she knew she would not be able to rely on that anymore, because he was not detached or remote, quite the opposite. His indefectible love for a man who was not his real brother proved it, as did his devotion to his daughter and his attitude toward Siân—and toward her.
The story he’d just revealed made her heart bleed. To lose an innocent soul, the light of your life, did not bear thinking about. To make matters worse, he had to live with the living, breathing image of the little girl he had lost. He had to witness the suffering of his daughter every day, see her miss her twin like you would miss a part of yourself.
“I’m so sorry. I cannot imagine what you must have suffered.”
“No, I know. I was hoping to be healing, but when I realized this morning what day it was I just... crumpled. I left the bed before you could wake up. It was cowardly of me but I could not think of anything else to do.”
She shook her head slowly. “I wish I could help.”
“You have. By listening to me.”
They were still holding hands. Connor raised hers to his lips and kissed it. Their gazes locked for a moment. Esyllt’s breath caught in her throat at the emotion she saw on his face. This day would mark a turning point in their relationship, she knew it. She had finally unlocked the mystery that was her husband. All that was needed now for them to start their marriage in earnest was for him to know who she really was.
It was time she told him what had happened with Gwyn, what no one but she knew.
“I too have a confession to make.” He had confided his pain to her, unveiled the heavy secret weighing on his heart. Suddenly, she wanted to do the same and prove that she trusted him.
“I will listen, but only if you’re certain you want to make it.”
“I am.” Connor waited while she gathered the courage to speak out. “I did kill my husband, like I told you the day of our wedding.” Her eyes filled with tears as the memory of that night assaulted her. “But it was not cold-blooded murder. I did it at his request. And now I... I cannot live with myself.”
Connor stared at Esyllt. She thought she had made an extraordinary revelation but he had guessed long ago there would be more to this story than she had claimed. This loving, generous woman was no murderess, whatever she said.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“But I do.” She wiped the tears from her eyes and took in a deep breath. “Last winter he was injured during a hunt. A stupid accident, but the wound became infected and his whole leg soon started to turn black. He suffered agony day and night, and there was no hope of a cure. He was already an old man, and he had been sickly for some time, ever since the birth of our daughter. We didn’t know what to do. I was beside myself with worry.”
Connor waited. Eventually, he would hear what had happened. There was no hurry. After months of marriage, he and his wife were finally getting to know one another. He would not rush things.
“One day he called me to his bedchamber and asked me to help him. He wanted to die. He asked me to find a way to... make it happen.” Esyllt closed her eyes, and another tear fell on her cheek. He reached out to wipe it away and cradled her cheek in his palm.
