Page 39 of A Husband for Esyllt
He walked up to her, remembering the look in her eyes when he had come over her earlier. Up until then, he had never thought she might actually be afraid of him. She was always so brazen. But she had been like a rabbit in front of a fox about to tear it to shreds, pale and frightened. And all because of him.
The sight had torn at his insides. He never wanted to cause her another moment’s worry in his life.
“Esyllt, I?—”
“I think we should go,” she said, moving before he could reach her.
“No, not yet.”
She shook her head and carried on looking at the ground, at her shoes, anywhere but at him. “Please, don’t say anything. I couldn’t...”
He did not allow her to walk away but he did not touch her. As she was already mortified, he did not want to add to her distress. But why was she so disturbed to have kissed him? Married people had every right to do this and more. When the rider had interrupted them, he had been about to lift her skirts and stroke her intimately. Whether he would have done so simply to give her pleasure or to prepare her for his possession, he wasn’t sure, but what was certain was that he had been about to take the kiss to the next level.
What else could he have done? He wanted her, had wanted her for days. It was time they started acting like husband and wife. Would she have agreed to the intimacy? Unfortunately, he could not be sure. The day he had pleasured her with his mouth, he had not given her any choice, he had devoured her like aman demented with need. He might have frightened her by his vehemence.
And even if she felt desire for him, after what had happened the night of his arrival at Esgyrn Castle, he feared she might not allow herself to follow her desire. Because of him, of what he had done to her, of how dirty he had made her feel then, of how he had teased her, calling her a wanton, lustful woman, and denying her the release she craved after taking possession of her body.
Guilt assaulted him. She did not deserve to be made to feel like that.
“We’re married,” he told her softly. “There is no shame in us kissing.”
No, Esyllt privately admitted, there was no shame in kissing, but what about the heat burning a path down her whole body? The inexplicable urge to grind her hips against Connor, to feel him thrust inside her? Surely kissing someone should be just that, kissing? It should not transform you into a lewd creature, wild enough to forget everything around you, and make you behave so shamefully?
Had the rider not interrupted them, she would have bared her body; she would have begged Connor to make love to her here out in the open, amongst the leaves in the ditch. Even worse, had he refused, she might well have pushed him flat on his back, so that she could ride him like she rode her horse.
Dear God... What would he have thought if she had done such a scandalous thing? It was something she had heard two maids discuss once, and which had shocked her. Now the notion did not shock her as much as send her nerves into a wild tangle. After the way she had behaved the night they’d met, when she had sat on him with her bare legs and then allowed him to come to her bed and possess her, he would really think her depraved beyond all hope.
How far are you prepared to go? he’d asked her.
Quite far, apparently. Much further than she would have liked, much further than a lady should go. Too far.
Her English husband did not trust her because she was Welsh. That was bad enough. She did not want him to think her a wanton as well.
“Please, let’s just go, night is already falling.” She made to walk to the horses, but he was in front of her before she could take more than one step, blocking her path.
“No.”
Her heart skipped a beat. Was he about to tumble her to the ground and show her that he would not countenance being teased one moment and refused the next? He would have felt her response to his kiss, known she was melting for him, so why would he not want to make the most of it?
“No?” she repeated, hoping to be wrong. By now, she had understood that they would consummate their marriage before too long, but she didn’t want it to happen like that.
“Not before you have looked me in the eye and told me that you are not ashamed of what happened.”
Esyllt hesitated but knew there would be no swaying him. At long last, she lifted her eyes to him. He was staring at her almost sternly. “I-I am not ashamed of what happened.”
“Andmeanit,” he specified with a smile.
This she couldn’t do, for she most definitelywasashamed, whatever he said.
“Esyllt,” Connor said more firmly. “Forgive me, this is all my fault. I should not have... well... I’m sorry.”
Her eyes widened at his fumbled apologies. None of the men she knew would ever apologize to a woman, especially not unprompted. “You should not have what?”
“I should not have kissed you just now. It is clear you did not want it.”
Oh, but she had wanted it! Too much, that was the problem. Esyllt would hold the memory of that first kiss close to her heart forever. It had been perfect, as if they could ignore all that had happened between them for a moment. There had been no distrust, no doubt, no resentment. They had been just a man and a woman who wanted one another.
“I did want it. But ’tis now over and we should...”
