Page 40 of Heart of Stone
He wasn’t happy about it, but he jerked his chin down and allowed me to continue.
“If I’m talking, if I’m keeping busy doing things around this retreat, I don’t think so much about all the stuff that hurts to think about. I talk, so I don’t think about how much I miss my parents and wish they were still alive. I talk, so I don’t think about the cruelty I suffered at the hands of my uncle. I talk, so I don’t think about how stupid I was to allow a man who could put his hands on me into my life. I talk, so I can pretend that I’ve got good people around me. I talk, so I can pretend I know what it’slike to have friends. I talk, so I can fool myself into believing I’m around people who care.”
The tears were spilling down my cheeks faster than I could swipe at them, so I buried my face in my hands and bawled. Reid cursed, and his chair scraped across the floor as he pushed back from the table. I didn’t see him do it, but I suspected that was what he’d done. Because a moment later, I was hauled up into his arms and carried out of the kitchen.
And the next thing I knew, I was settled in Reid’s lap, sobbing, as he sat on the couch holding me like I hadn’t been held since before my parents died.
THIRTEEN
Natalia
I forgot how physically taxing it was to be emotionally vulnerable.
It had been years since I’d sobbed like I had just now. It had been even more years than that since I’d been this upset and had someone willing to comfort me.
I wasn’t aware of precisely how much time had passed, but I knew it had been a long while. Maybe that was the result of keeping everything bottled up for so long. The moment the floodgates were opened, I couldn’t do anything to stop them.
Reid had been nothing short of amazing. He didn’t hurry me or become annoyed. He was so attentive, patient, and utterly reassuring. The entire time I spilled those tears of sadness and heartache, he simply held me, stroked his hand up and down my back, and soothed me with whispers of comforting words.
The tears had finally stopped flowing, but it took some time for my breath not to hitch every time I attempted to breathe normally.
It didn’t seem to matter that I’d slept for the better part of nearly two days. After all the crying this morning, I was beyond exhausted.
But I couldn’t sleep.
I needed to deal with the current situation, which had me settled in Reid’s lap with his arms wrapped firmly around me.
With my head tucked under his chin and my cheek pressed against him, I closed my eyes and relished the comfort I found in his embrace. God, it had been so very long since I’d felt anything so wonderful.
And while I knew there wasn’t anything romantic behind it, the simple fact remained that until Reid gave it to me, I hadn’t realized just how desperately I needed this. To be held, to feel safe. To feel like I was cared for on some personal level.
Reid had said a lot of harsh things to me before, but I didn’t think I could consider him to be completely heartless when he’d spent nearly every moment since Friday afternoon looking after me. That had to count for something.
I inhaled his scent, allowed it to soothe me one last time, before I finally pressed a palm to his chest and lifted my body away from his. That alone had felt like a tremendous loss, but when I did the right thing and scooted out of his lap, I wanted to burst into tears all over again.
Reid offered no indication of his thoughts, about whether he appreciated me moving to the open cushion beside him or if he would’ve preferred that I stay where I was. But there was something I couldn’t miss, and that was the absolute warmth and softness in his features. If I didn’t know any better, I might’ve thought he’d want to do anything he could to take away my pain.
“I’m sorry,” I croaked, my throat painfully dry.
Confusion leaked into his expression. “What, in all that just happened, could you possibly believe you have to apologize to me for? You haven’t done a single thing wrong.”
There was such compassion and understanding and tenderness in his tone. I almost wasn’t sure if this was the same guy I’d been working with for the last three weeks.
“This isn’t normal for me,” I murmured. “Breaking down into tears like I just did. I’m usually the happy one.”
He reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze. “Even the happiest people have moments of sadness, Natalia. And considering all that you’ve been through, especially over the last few days, I think you’re allowed to feel some sadness and despair.”
I squeezed his hand in return before releasing it and said, “I appreciate you saying so. But beyond that, I’m truly grateful to you for not running out the door the moment I lost my cool in the kitchen.”
One half of his mouth quirked with a slight smile. “I think that you and I have very different ideas of what losing one’s cool actually means. Between the two of us, over these last three weeks, I’d say I’ve lost my cool far more times than you.”
I couldn’t say I disagreed. His willingness to admit that made me send an appreciative smile his way. “Fair enough.”
For a beat, Reid and I sat in silence, the two of us allowing our eyes to roam, but I wasn’t quite sure what either of us was searching for. Eventually, Reid broke the silence. “I cannot tell you how sorry I am to learn about all that you’ve endured in your life, Natalia. That you’re able to be so happy and productive and friendly and compassionate is truly a testament to just how lovely a person you are. But I can’t say that I’d blame you if you weren’t all of that. If you felt sad and anxious and heartbroken and lonely, I’d understand that. Worse, I’d get it if you were fearful.”
Tipping my head to the side, I considered all that he said. It felt wonderful to hear him say such nice things about me—though I would have loved to hear them days ago in his office instead of what he had said. Of course, I was also curious about the other things he said. “I think I do a good job of hiding how heartbroken and lonely I am. Trust me, I feel it plenty. But I can’t bring myself to dwell on that, not when I’m in this place now. As for fear, do you think I should be afraid?”
He shrugged. “I’m not necessarily saying that. But I would understand if you were.”
