Page 217 of The Ascended
Anger simmered. “You know exactly what I’m asking you. Why are you dancing with me? Why are you introducing me to your wonderful family? Why are you making me feel these things that I shouldn’t? Why, Xül?” I tried to steady my voice.
His gaze sharpened on me. It was a rare moment when the prince of death was speechless. Even more so when his eyes told me he knew exactly what he wanted to say but was holding back.
So finally, I turned that anger into bravery. "This thing between us. Tell me it's just in my head, and I'll never speak of it again."
His jaw tightened, the muscle there jumping with tension. "It's not just in your head," he admitted, the words sounding as if they'd been dragged from him against his will. "But that doesn't make it wise, or right, or possible."
"Does that matter?" I challenged. "If we both want it, why can’t we have it? Even if it’s just temporary?”
“You don’t know what you’re asking,” he said, his voice low.
“Both of us are racing toward fates that we cannot escape. Soon, all gray area will be gone, taking our agency with it. And then we’ll always wonder. I don’t want to spend the rest of eternity wondering, Xül.”
"You think it's that simple?" His hand came up to trace the line of my throat, barely touching. "You think I can just take you like some common whore and be done with it?"
The crudeness of the words contrasted dramatically with the gentleness of his touch. The truth was, I wanted more of him. All of him. Every piece he could give me. I wanted to beg him not to marry Nyvora, to convince him that he deserved happiness just like everyone else. But it was impossible. It could never be, not really. Not in this world, and not in the next.
And then there was the possibility that I wouldn’t survive long enough to see him with her anyway. That vengeance would claim me long before any wedding bells rang through Voldaris. But we could have this—this one moment where we forgot about everything else—everyone else except each other. And perhaps that would be enough.
"If that's all you can offer me, I still want it," I decided, my voice growing bolder. "I could die tomorrow, Xül. I could die days from now in the next trial."
The sound he made was half growl, half groan. "Fuck. You have no idea what you're saying."
I reached up to trace where the column of his throat disappeared beneath his shirt, gratified when his breathing hitched. "I want you."
"Stop," he commanded, though he leaned into my touch.
"Do you really want me to?" I whispered, moving closer despite the precarious rocking of the boat.
"You're almost there, Thais," he warned. "You're going to drive me so far that I forget every rule, every duty, every reason why I should keep my hands to myself."
"Good," I breathed.
“You don’t understand, Thais.” His eyes burned into mine. "This can never just be physical for me," he said. "Not with you. And you deserve so much more than half of a man promised to someone else."
“You couldn’t even stand to be in the same room when another man expressed interest in me.”
Xül’s jaw ticked.
“Because none of them deserve you. No one ever will,” he nearly growled against my ear. “Even me, Thais. Especially me.”
“I don’t care that you’re engaged. I know you don’t care for her. I know she only wants what you can provide for her.”
“That’s not the only problem, Thais. I don’t just want your body. I want all of you. Every single piece. If we go there, it will ruin me for the rest of my life.”
I stilled, soaking in the promise of his words. They were everything I wanted to hear, and yet the most terrifying things that had ever been spoken to me.
"There are things about me that you don't know," he said, hisvoice nearly cracking. "Things that could make you change your mind. I might be a selfish bastard, but I'm not that selfish. Not with you."
Xül might have had his secrets, but I had my own. And I didn’t intend on sharing them either. At least for now. Secrets were something I could live with.
The boat rocked violently, water sloshing over the sides. Xül reached for me, pulling me flush against him as the small craft tilted just enough. Suddenly we were both falling, tumbling into the dark water.
The shock of cold closing over my head jolted me from the heated moment. I kicked upward, breaking the surface with a gasp. Xül emerged beside me, braids heavy with water.
For a moment we simply stared at each other in shock. Then, unexpectedly, Xül laughed—that beautiful sound. Despite myself, I joined in.
"Smooth move, starling," he said, blinking droplets from his eyelashes.
