Page 244 of The Ascended
"I said move." I tried to duck under his arm, but he shifted, keeping me trapped.
"I know you're angry?—"
"Angry?" I finally looked up at him, and a lethal glint crossed his eyes at whatever he saw in mine. "You think I'm angry?"
"Then what?"
"I'm—" My voice cracked. Everything was crashing down at once. The negotiation. The revelation about Thatcher. What we'd have to do next. What I'd have to ask of my brother. "I can't breathe, Xül."
His expression shifted. "Thais?—"
"No." I pressed back against the wall, needing distance even though there was none. "You don't get to do this. You don't get to look at me like you care?—"
"I do care." The words came out rough, desperate. "That's the entire fucking problem."
"Stop."
"I couldn't tell you." His hands curled into fists against the wall. "Do you understand? I’m bound to this cause. All of this is bigger than me."
"So, you were just going to let it happen? Let me find out when his body—" I couldn't finish.
"I was trying to find another way." His forehead dropped toward mine, not quite touching. "I've been fighting this for weeks."
This was too heavy, too much. I could feel his body pressing against me, the way his breathing had gone uneven. This was dangerous territory.
"Do you really think so little of me?" he asked. "That I would have stood by and watched them execute your brother?"
"You knew they were planning?—"
"I was going to stop it." Darkness flashed across his eyes. "Even if it meant going against him. Even if it meant—" He cut himself off, jaw clenched.
"You should have told me."
"Maybe I should have. But you know me." His tone wasn’t loud, but it sliced. "Or I thought you did. Just as I thought I knew you."
I went still. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"If I recall correctly, you had your own agenda in all of this, starling. Tell me, was any of it real? Or was I just convenient? The Death Prince foolish enough to give you access to his knowledge, his power, his domain?"
"That’s what you think?" Fury flashed beneath my skin.
"Weren't you? Every question about divine politics, about the Primordials, every moment you let me get closer—was any of it genuine? Or was I just the easiest path to your end goal?"
I opened my mouth to speak, but words didn’t come.
The accusation carved me thoroughly. Because he was right. In the beginning, that's exactly what he had been—a means to an end. A stepping stone on the path to revenge. I'd seen him as nothing more than a powerful mentor I needed to manipulate, to extract information from.
But somewhere along the way, everything had shifted.
I couldn't pinpoint the exact moment. Was it when he’d stood by me during training, pushing me harder? Or when he’d admitted that what was between us could never just be physical for him? Maybe it was in the water that night, when everything changed with that kiss, when I saw behind his careful mask to the man who had spent his whole life believing love wasn't for someone like him.
Gods help me. I'd fallen for him. The one person I absolutely couldn't afford to love.
And it hurt. It threatened to rip my heart out. Because now we were here, and I could barely look at him.
"You shared my bed while planning to die. You let me fall for you—all while knowing you'd leave,” he continued. "I wasboundto my secrets. You kept them to use me."
The accusation sliced through me, stealing my breath. "You want to talk about using people? What about Nyvora? What about the marriage that awaits you the moment these Trials end?" My voice threatened to break.
