Page 112 of The Crush of Christmas Past
Fingers gliding over the letters, I close my eyes and allow myself a moment to just…be.
Surrendering to stillness, I lose track of time.
Enough of it passes for the cold to settle in my bones and the noise in my head to quiet.
With nothing left to distract me, I’m pushed to confront my fear offeelingand to try making sense of the weakness I’ve spent years enduring.
I miss Theo.
Not only the sound of his voice or the weight of his gaze, but his presence.
He listens. He sees me. He holds space for me.
I miss the steadiness he brings. The tension, too. How he pushes and challenges me. Makes me want more.Bemore.
I’ve tried so damn hard not to need him, but it was never aboutneed.
It’s simply aboutwant.
Wanting him. Choosing him.
When it’s hard, messy, and terrifying.
And Iamterrified of what the leap might cost me. But isn’t that the whole point?
They call itfalling, after all.
Maybe the real objective is to gather the courage to risk it all without any guarantee of reward. To selflessly give away body, soul, and heart on nothing but the sheer hope of receiving just as fierce and everlasting an offering in return.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial one of the only numbers I know by heart.
One ring.
Two.
Asher picks up on the third. “Lala? You okay?”
“Defineokay.”
I can practically hear him squinting. “I don’t know—are you in danger?”
Of losing my mind? Yes.
But I’ve never felt more certain.
“I’m fine,” I assure him. “I just—” I force down the panic rising in my throat. “Can I borrow your car?”
“My…car?” He’s understandably stunned. “You don’t drive.”
“No, I don’t. That doesn’t mean I can’t. And tonight…I need to.”
“It’s almost midnight. A blizzard is coming, you hate my car with a passion, and—” There’s a muffled rustle on the other end of the line like maybe he’s stepping outside. “Where the hell are you going?”
“To Theo.”
He swears softly before engaging a video call.
As soon as I accept, his flushed, frowning face appears on the screen. “Isla—he’s four hours away. It’s not a casual drive.”
