Page 70 of Rewrite the Stars
He scrunches up his face and belly laughs at his own attempt at a joke.
‘Look, Tom, maybe I made a mistake coming here and crashing your party,’ I tell him, feeling like I’m speaking to one of my errant pupils. ‘But I’m glad I did because I think I’ve finally got all the answers I need from you about us – not that of course there is an “us”. I don’t even expect you to understand what I mean, but I guess you duped me with your song. I was so stupid to think—’
Tom laughs even harder now.
‘Charlie Taylor, what on earthdidyou expect from me?’ he asks me, spreading his arms out wide for effect. ‘I loved you way back then, you know I did! Every word of that song is true. It’s how I felt for you and it’s one of the proudest things I’ve ever done, but I was wrong to try and get you to follow me into all of this when you were on track to follow your own dreams. You deserve so much better than what I could ever have given you. I mean, look at you! You’re way out of my league! You’re smart, you’re beautiful, you would hate what I do when you see what it’s like behind the scenes and when the lights go down. I hate it sometimes too.’
He’s right, I do deserve better, and it’s true, this was always his dream. It was never really mine. There’s no way I’d want to be hanging around like Ana and Eva, waiting on my turn for his attention like a doe-eyed puppy. I’m much, much better than that.
‘But you could change me in a heartbeat if you wanted to,’ he whispers, leaning into me, almost catching me out again. ‘I mean it, Charlie. I’d give all of this, every single bit of this, up for you.’
For a split second I believe him, but he’s drunk and sentimental, I remind myself. And regardless, I wouldn’t want him to give it all up for me. Ever. It’s who he is and it’s what he was destined to do, plus he’s got names of women plastered all over his arms and he treats the one he’s getting married to like dirt.
‘You’re the one, I always said it,’ he says, holding my arm now. ‘Kiss me just once more, Charlotte. Kiss me.’
I could choose to believe this. I could fall into his arms right now and believe every word he says, but there’s no way on earth I want any of this lifestyle. I want Jack, my funny, sensitive, caring husband who knows me inside out. I want our home in Ardara with the deck outside where I plan to paint and sing again. I want our nights out with Harry and Sophie and my days strolling through the village saying hello to Peter and Mary, even if it’s about nothing more than the fine weather we’re having.
I even want my mother to keep telling me how hard I work for everything only to ruin it all. If it weren’t for her constant reminders, I’d be tempted to throw my whole life away right now by being caught up in moments like this.
‘That girl, Eva?’ I say to Tom. ‘It’s absolutely none of my business, but is she your friend or Ana’s?’
He smirks knowingly and nods his head.
‘Ah, you’re a clever little thing, aren’t you?’ he says to me. ‘I knew you were smart. Charlie, do you have any idea how many Evas there are in my world? Hundreds, that’s how many. But this is my life now, this is what I know. You and I had something absolutely way up there, but I could never be the man you wanted me to.’
‘No, you’re right. You couldn’t.’
I think of Jack and how he puts our relationship first, even before his very high-powered career. I think of how everything to do with Tom Farley ruined my brother’s life, whereas everything to do with Jack only ever tries to better it.
I think it’s definitely time for me to go. Tom scrabbles in his pocket and finds a pen, then scribbles a note on the back of a receipt of some sort.
‘Look, I still believe you could make a living out of your songs, babe. I never stopped believing that,’ he says as he writes. ‘You’ve got talent oozing out of your bones, so if you take one thing from meeting me here this evening, please take that. Sorry if I disappointed you. You’re still the one, I meant what I said. It’s up to you though. It’s all up to you.’
He hands me the piece of paper, folded, and holds my fingers in his for a few seconds longer than he needs to. For just a moment, when I look at him, I see the man I once fell so madly in love with. His lifestyle has changed him in so many ways and by now I’m sure I don’t like it but I know there’s another alternative Tom Farley inside of him. A behind-the-scenes version, a man who away from the spotlight is still broken from the mess his parents left behind and a man who is longing for something he will never find.
Love.
Just as I thought there may have been another me out there, I know he can see another, parallel version of himself when he looks at me.
‘Maybe we’re all exactly where we’re meant to be in life, Tom,’ I say to him, putting the piece of paper into my handbag without reading what it says. ‘Maybe you and I just weren’t supposed to be together, after all. You’re an amazing singer, a killer front man, and I meant it when I said I was proud of you. I really am. It was good to see you. Enjoy the rest of your celebrations.’
He leans in and kisses me on the cheek and I close my eyes, remembering how much I longed for his touch for so many years. I dreamed of this reunion, I savoured different versions of it in my head and spent so many nights thinking about him and what we could have had. But it’s not for me. He’s not for me after all.
I walk through the bar and, just like in slow motion, I see another version of myself sitting there. I see myself, in Ana’s seat, waiting and hanging on Tom Farley’s every word.
I see another me in her. I’m there in Ana, beautiful, stunning Ana as she stares into her phone screen, killing time, not knowing that the girl across from her is also staring into her phone and waiting on him too – a girl who is pretending to be her friend.
I was that girl for long enough. I waited for Tom Farley long enough. But now it’s over.
I’m choosing love. I love my husband. I love my life. And it’s time I got that life back, the life that was meant for me, not the one I dreamed about. I close the door of the bar and leave them to it.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Iwalk out into the fresh air and feel a spring in my step as I make my way down by the marina. I find our bench and take a seat, not only for old times’ sake, but also to admire the view as I contemplate where I’ll find a bed for the night. Howth is scattered with a few B&Bs so I know I won’t be stuck. I just need a few moments to reflect before I settle down for the night and look forward to returning home first thing in the morning where I’ll clean the house from top to toe and get ready for Jack coming home the day after tomorrow.
A cluster of boats of every colour sit in the bay in front of me. In the evening mist I spot red, yellow, blue and green as they bob on their anchors, with seagulls circling above and the lighthouse looking on. I inhale the fresh sea air, and when I breathe out I can’t help but smile, knowing I’m finally free.
I tilt my head back towards the sky, feeling the breeze on my face, and a blanket of contentment wraps around me. I don’t feel guilty any more. I know that Matthew is happy and that he’ll be OK. I don’t feel like I’m on the wrong path any more. I know exactly what I want in life and how I’m going to get it. I’ve spent long enough beating myself up in case I’d taken a wrong turn in life, but those days are now in the past. I want to concentrate on my future now, but most importantly my present. Yes, my present is what matters most and, with that in mind, I reach into my handbag to get my phone so I can respond to my husband.
