Page 43 of A Miracle on Hope Street
I gulp back the truth. For so long I’ve been put on a pedestal by my father first of all and then by Margo, who as Nora said, thinks I can change the world.
I’m not perfect. My mother isn’t perfect. And despite how I felt growing up, I’m sure my father wasn’t perfect either. It’s like someone has opened the blinds and a light of realisation is shining through. It’s also like a weight has come off my shoulders. I don’t need to be perfect. We all have flaws and Michael has made me realise that I’m as flawed as he is, only in many different ways.
‘I’m so lonely lately, Ally,’ I blurt out to my sister. ‘And maybe Michael, for all his faults, has given me hope that there’s still a chance I might be able to do something that helps me to heal better inside. Maybe his friendship and preparing for this Christmas dinner will help fill some sort of void in me and lead me in whatever direction I’m meant to be going in, because right now I’ve no idea.’
There. I said it. I never thought I would admit that to anyone but now it’s all out in the open and I don’t know if I’ve done the right or wrong thing by mentioning it. I’m lonely. I miss my dad, I miss my mum, I’m a big, big girl but I’m lonely.
‘My God, Ruth, why on earth didn’t you say this before?’ my sister whispers. ‘All this time I’ve been watching on in envy at your glamorous, care free lifestyle while I’m bogged down with school runs and homework and a man who leaves his dirty socks on the bedroom floor and you are living there feeling miserable and alone. Are you okay? Seriously, are you all right, Ruth?’
‘I’ve been feeling very empty, Ally,’ I admit to her, clutching the blankets tighter and feeling the chill of this big, dark house once more. ‘And meeting Michael has given me a new burst of energy that makes me feel good inside. Why on earth does it have to be so damn complicated? Why can’t he just be more simple and straight forward?’
‘Because that wouldn’t be real life then, would it?’ says Ally. ‘Real life isn’t simple or straightforward. but that’s great that you like him so much. If you’d told me all of that at the start I wouldn’t have been so quick to fob him off.’
‘It’s always so complicated . . . life,’ I whisper. ‘Every day all I seem to deal with are other people’s complications and here I am getting to know a man who has quite a lot on his plate. Typical.’
‘Lifeiscomplicated and unfortunately affairs of the heart aren’t simple or straightforward,’ Ally tells me. ‘And believe me, long-term relationships aren’t a walk in the park either. I’m currently watching my darling husband pick something from his ear and I want to throw something at him, like really bad. I sometimes wonder if I even like him and then he does something sweet and I fall for him again.’
I manage to laugh as I imagine David lying up on the sofa, not realising his every move is being watched and discussed.
‘Just try and protect yourself,’ my sister says to me. ‘You have to just take the rough with the smooth when it comes to relationships with anyone, Ruth, be it with Michael or be it with a close friend and if it’s meant to be, it’ s meant to be.’
‘Do you really believe that?’ I ask her, sincerely. ‘Michael said something very similar to me earlier, that I should just go with the flow in life and worry a bit less. I wish I could.’
‘Maybe Michael will sort out whatever it is he needs to in his life and hopefully you both can let your friendship develop. Just don’t go falling in love with him just yet. Try to keep your distance, Ruth. I know it’s easy for me to say it, but trust your instincts at all times so you don’t get hurt.’
‘I’ll try not to get hurt,’ I say to her, reminding myself by saying it out loud. ‘Don’t feel sorry for me, please Ally. I’m fine and I can look after myself. I just like him, okay, and I enjoy his company but the fact that he has left his son for two years is something that just doesn’t sit with me yet. I need to know more and I need to see him do something about it if I’m going to be his friend.’
‘Give him time, then, and let’s see if he proves his worth,’ my sister tells me. ‘Look, I’m going to have to go and get organised for the morning. Call me when you need me, anytime, okay? Take care of you.’
‘And take care of you,’ I reply, in an old saying we adapted from our teenage obsession with the movie,Pretty Woman, after our mother introduced it as one of her favourites.
I’m just about to hang up when she speaks again.
‘I love you, Ruth, and I hate the thought of you feeling lonely,’ she says, her voice cracking with emotion. ‘I know how muchI’mmissing Dad, so I can only imagine what it’s like for you being there, surrounded by so many reminders of both of them. Maybe you’re right to try and sell the house. I’ll help you clear it out and we could have a party, a big send-off, and just let it go. Or maybe you need to reply to that letter from Mum once and for all. If you do, I will too.’
I want to tell her about how close I am to making contact with Mum after my conversation tonight with Michael, but I’ll save that until I’m definitely ready to take action. It’s almost Christmas and I just keep getting the urge to bite the bullet and make that move.
‘I’m thinking about it,’ I tell her. ‘I love you too, sis. Don’t worry about me, please. I’m a big girl now. Give my love to David and the boys and tell them Aunty Ruth will have the biggest Christmas present ever when I come to see you all.’
We say our goodbyes and I lie there staring at the ceiling. I hope I don’t make my sister worry about me more than she needs to. She has enough on her plate with her life, her job, her husband, her children, her in-laws and her own ups and downs.
I flick through my phone, watching as myAsk Ruth Ryansinbox fills up with problem after problem, from people whose faces I will never know. People who know what I look like, probably who know where I live, people who, like my sister says, watch what I wear, who I hang out with, thinking from afar that I have a perfect life with my perfect words of wisdom.A relationship expert. Ha! I laugh out loud at the very idea.
And then I cry, silently in the dark, because it couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life.
Chapter Nineteen
Four Days before Christmas
Marian’s home is in the leafy suburbs of town, not far from where I live and I make the journey on foot, glad of the fresh air and the cool of the winter morning that greets me when I leave Beech Row after a surprisingly refreshing sleep.
I go along the line of elegant brown brick houses that have a distinctive 1980s vibe about them and eventually I reach the one with the red door with its number nine displayed proudly on a shiny plaque that says ‘Devine’s’ on it. I see the curtains twitch as I walk up the pathway and just as I’m about to ring the doorbell, the door opens onto a chain.
‘Is that Ruth?’ says the voice of a very polite lady with a polished English accent.
‘Marian? Yes, yes it’s me.’
‘Well, that’s a good start,’ she says, opening the door wider. ‘I had a whole speech prepared to introduce myself but I’ll let you come inside first. Oh, you’re even prettier in the flesh, but you’ve probably been told that a thousand times. Come in. Do come in.’
