Page 13 of A Miracle on Hope Street
‘I . . . oh, I dunno, maybe I’m just a bit jaded by it all, you know?’ I blurt out. ‘Nora just said something that hurt me a bit but I’m supersensitive right now and shouldn’t overanalyse it. I’m fine.’
Gloria raises an eyebrow, totally unconvinced.
‘I used to love my life,’ I tell Gloria, ‘and I know that I have very little to complain about compared to many others who have real problems, so what on earth is wrong with me? Why does it feel like it’s not enough? Why do I feel so—’
‘Empty?’ Gloria looks like she has heard it all before.
‘Yes, that’s it. Empty. Like something is missing.’
‘You know, it’s okay not to be okay as the saying goes, Ruth?’ says Gloria, with meaning that comes right from her core. ‘You need to go easier on yourself. Somethingismissing.Someoneis missing, should I say. It’s early days and you’ve lost your biggest fan, the one you leaned on and looked up to and the one you looked after for the past few years. A time to grieve – you’ve heard of that, right?’
‘Yes, I suppose so.’
‘Be your own friend for a change, honey,’ says Gloria. ‘And as for Miss Nora?’
‘Yes?’ I nod.
‘She’s a work colleague, yes?’
‘Yes, she’s a great features writer,’ I tell Gloria. ‘I don’t think she’d give me back the same compliment, though, but she’s going places at work, is Miss Nora.’
I laugh but it’s true. Nora is very competitive and would trample all over me to get into Margo’s ear.
‘She’s notreallyyour friend,’ whispers Gloria, shaking her head.
Her words hit me hard.
‘None of those hangers-on who meet you in here for a coffee here and a bite of lunch there are your true friends,’ she says. ‘You’re worth way more than that, Ruth Ryans, and you know it. You need people in your life who care for that beautiful, fragile heart of yours, not people who just want a slice of the action or to be seen in your company to better themselves. If you had true friends, you might not feel so empty. Or should I say, lonely.’
‘Lonely? But I’m not—’
‘I know, I know. How can you be lonely when your life is so busy?’ says Gloria. ‘You don’t need to be alone to feel lonely, Ruth.’
I get what she is saying, I really do. I just wish I knew how I can feel fulfilled again.
‘Maybe working from home isn’t so good for you right now,’ Gloria suggests, and of course this has also crossed my own mind. ‘Would Margo give you a desk at theTodayoffice again? At least then you’d have some sort of interaction with real people every day. Company.’
I shake my head.
‘I work freelance now for Margo and they’re cramped as it is,’ I explain. ‘Plus I’m saving her a fortune, working from home, and I get a bonus for it. I need that bonus to help towards the house. It’s totally draining me so I’ve put it on the market. I’m selling up and I’m moving on.’
‘Are you serious?’
‘Yes,’ I tell Gloria. ‘It’s big and empty and costs a fortune to heat plus it really needs to be decorated.’
‘Okay . . .’
‘It looks and smells and feels like it’s stuck in a time warp. And itisstuck. Her pictures are everywhere and I sometimes think I can still smell her perfume from all those years ago. Do you think that’s still possible? Plus I keep having that same dream about her calling me to help with the Christmas tree. Do you think I’m going mad? Maybe I am going mad.’
Gloria takes a big deep breath.
‘Sell it then, yes!’ she says to me. ‘Or rent it out to a family who could fill it with the love that it craves? Find somewhere new for you and start afresh. You might just need a fresh start and there’s nothing wrong with that, Ruth.’
I look up sharply.
‘I already have the sign up and it’s online and everything but. . . do you really think I could?’
‘Why not?’ she asks me. ‘Bricks and mortar never made anyone who they are. Find somewhere new if it’s dragging you down. Walk on. Walk away. Your daddy would understand.’
