Page 9 of One Hotlanta Night
Well, unless I’m talking to my mother.
The past few months haven’t been spent mourning Trent, but I did mourn the idea of what I thought my life would look like with someone in it. My future with him. It never felt like much, but I’d thought it would be enough.
And now I’m actively avoiding putting myself out there again.
Because this is my new level of comfort.
When the spiraling thoughts get to be too much, I find myself watching old rom-coms. Not that that helps. The unending love and devotion between Buttercup and Westley tears my heart up every time inThe Princess Bride. Then Maid Marian and Robin Hood in the animated Disney version makes my chest flutter. It doesn’t help that it’s Raelynn’s absolute favorite, and we’re lucky the tape hasn’t snapped yet. Even she can see how noble Robin Hood is, and how smitten he is with Marian. How he won’t let anything stop them from being together.
“Viv, he wuvs her sooo much!”
Watch the archery scene with Robin’s impromptu proposal and tell me that isn’t the epitome of true love right there.
ButPretty Woman, ugh. Guts me every time. Sharing the same name is one thing, but it feels like we have even more in common. Her directness, for one. My heart swells when she leaves the money on the bed because she’s learned to stick up for herself. She’s worth more than the choices she made in the past. And like her, I want that knight in shining armor.
I don’t want to settle anymore.
I want that happily ever after.
I want someone I can completely be myself with. Who won’t judge me for my past. Who doesn’t expect me to be some preconceived notion of perfect.
Who isn’t afraid of the bad days. Who can be my strength so I can set the load down for a minute when I can’t catch my breath.
Someone who will accept me just as I am. Even if I don’t deserve it.
Even if I really am as broken as everyone thinks.
Basically, I want someone who’s way too good for me.
Anyone as wonderful as these fictional characters in the movies would take one look at my hot mess and run.
And even if I did meet someone willing to give me a chance, could I allow that person in? Let myself be vulnerable again? I’d have to come out from under the mask I wear for the public, let them see all my ugly parts, and hold my breath while they decide if they still want me. If they can handle me and all the faults that come with.
Three wasted years with Trent, and he didn’t want me after he saw all of me. His words hurt because I’m afraid they’re true. That I’m too damaged. Not worthy of true, real, honest love.
But if I can’t have that kind of love, then I don’t want it.
I’m worth more. At least, that’s what I tell myself every morning when I look in the mirror.
Maybe one day it’ll sink in.
So, in this time of growth and pulling up my big-girl panties, the superficial relationships and quick fucks can stay in the past. No more playing the field or sticking with guys who bring me down. When I’m ready—and that’s a bigwhen—to look for a relationship, I want it to be genuine. If I’m going to open myself up again, then it needs to be with someone who’s worth it.
I’m just not sure if I’m ready to risk that.
It might not be in the cards for me, but who knows? I’m not taking men off the table forever. Not really.
But I’m not necessarily ready to let someone else in yet.
“It’s okay. You know I understand.” If anyone can empathize with not being ready to jump into a relationship, it’s Claire. “Anyway, it would be fun to try something new. Something completely out of your comfort zone. You know, like being single is.” She winks, breaking up the heaviness of the moment.
“Hardy har-har.” I elbow her. “Okay, okay, point taken. Let’s do it. Let’s go dance like Ricky Martin is watching.” She giggles. “Just find a sitter for Raelynn, okay?”
“You got it, chica.”
A blend of horns and drums emanates from L’Aventura, vibrating the windows of my little red Corolla as I pull into the parking lot. I walk across the street toward the twinkling white lights woven through lush green palm trees that promise a magical night. Polished red double doors can’t muffle the music coming from within, and the harmony of so many instruments thrums through my veins before I even reach the entrance.
This place is nothing like what I’m used to. It feelsalive, and I love it already.
