Page 48 of One Hotlanta Night
“Hold on. Did he actually say those very words?”
“Not verbatim, no…”
“Okay, so let’s look at this differently. What if he doesn’t believe in wasting time once he realizes it’s not going to workout? What if it has nothing to do with the girl at all, she’s just not the right one? Did he say anything bad about those other girls?”
“N–no…”
“Then where did you get the whole ‘not living up to his expectations’ part?” She rolls her chair to where I’m resting against the wall and carefully takes both my hands in hers. “Are those Michael’s words or are they yours?”
I’m silent, looking at where Claire’s thumbs rub over the back of my hands, reminding me of how Michael does the very same thing. How they both try to reassure me and comfort me with their touch. Showing me without words how much they care. Especially when my best friend is trying to show me truths about myself that I’m resisting.
I blow out a shaky breath. “I just… I think I’m falling in love with him, Claire. I’m scared of putting myself out there again. He’s the best guy I’ve ever met. And he’s got such high principles. I’m afraid he won’t want me when he realizes how damaged I am. If my own mother thinks I’m a screw up, how is some stranger supposed to accept all the ugly parts of me?”
“Viv, you know how much I love you,” she emphasizes with a gentle squeeze to my fingers, “but you are so wrapped up in your perceived faults that you can’t see that they’re not as big of a deal as you think. Let’s analyze this and take the emotion out of it for a minute, shall we? When he was massaging you, did you tell him about the fibro? I know that’s a big deal for you.”
I smile and nod, remembering his reassurances. “Yes. It turns out his mom has it too. He knew all about it. I didn’t have to explain a thing.”
“Whaddya know, he’s already got first-hand experience.” Her mouth quirks up but then turns serious. “And as far as being ‘tainted’ or whatever nonsense you’re telling yourself,” she air quotes, “if past history mattered to him, don’t you think he would’ve asked first before doing the horizontal tango?” I can’thelp the laugh that escapes me. “But for real,didhe ask? Did you discuss prior relationships, is that how that subject came about?”
“Well… no. We were talking about his sister. It seems like she’s had a string of bad guys. And he commented that she should just break things off like he did before it got to that point, that she was just wasting her time.”
“And fromthatyou got the idea that you’re not good enough?” she asks incredulously. When she puts it that way, I do feel a little stupid. Foolishness gives way to frustration, and I feel the sting of tears at the corners of my eyes.
“Claire, my own mom has no problem pointing out every fault of mine. How I should have lived up to my ‘potential,’ or whatever her idea of that was. How she’s worried I won’t be able to make it on my own, that the fibro will get to be too hard for me to manage. Even when I tell her what’s going right in my life, she picks it apart and tells me what I could’ve done better. She’s mymother!She should be the one to care about me no matter what! So if she sees me that way, how is Michael going to react when he realizes how flawed I am?” I pause, chest heaving from the outburst.
“Whoa there, girl.” Claire stands and wraps her arms around me and hugs me hard, like I’m Raelynn having a meltdown. “I didn’t mean to upset you, I promise.” As my breathing slows back to normal, she holds me away from her and looks me straight in the eyes. “Viv, listen to me. You’ve been hearing criticisms for so long that it’s become your default mode. Your mom loves you, I know it, but she has a funny way of showing it sometimes. Maybe it’s all she knows, or maybe you two are going through a rough patch—”
“Yeah, a few years’ worth of rough patches,” I interject callously.
“This growing up shit is hard, Viv. Believe me,I know.” And she’s got me there. What I’ve experienced is nothing compared to the responsibilities thrust upon Claire at a young age.
“But you can’t let those thoughts run rampant in your head,” she says, bringing me back to the moment. “You have to choose what you believe about yourself, not just what you’ve been taught. Or just one person’s opinion.”
I let that sentence simmer in my brain for a minute. Trent tore me down because he could, and I let him. My mom’s words affect me, but it’s only because deep down, I’m afraid she’s right. So many comments, sighs, and tsks had buried their way under my psyche, all adding to my list of failures. My wasted potential is a big one. And although she and I have different ideas of what my life should look like, I still want her to be proud of me. Her disappointment stings the most.
It only hurts when it comes from the ones you care about the most.
At least Claire never judged. Never criticized, only encouraged. She was there to celebrate the good days and help me make it through the bad ones. Never made me feel bad about what I could or couldn’t do, only asking how she could help lighten the load. With her help, I’d started finally believing I could make something of myself.
Trent, on the other hand, went from skeptical to flat out saying I couldn’t hack it, that I wasn’t going anywhere in life. And then he’d mumble under his breath as he looked at me like I was yesterday’s garbage. Dirty.
I don’t think I could handle Michael looking at me that way.
“I don’t think I could handle his rejection,” I admit to Claire. “I was honest with him when I told him how I felt, because he was honest with me. But that doesn’t mean these intense emotions are going to last. I feel like I’m hurtling forward on arollercoaster. It’s all happening so fast, and I’m setting myself up for the biggest drop ever.”
“Thatcouldhappen, Viv,” she tells me gently. “It’s all part of the risk. And I don’t blame you for being scared. But think about this for a moment. Imagine Michael does fall big-time in love with you. You stay together and ride off into the sunset. How does that feel? Are you freaked out? Do you feel trapped?”
Tilting my head back with my eyes closed, I tell her, “It sounds… perfect.”
She clears her throat. “Okay, time for the not so fun part. Now imagine Michael not being in your life. Either you walked away or he did, but he’s just not in the picture. What do you feel this time?”
“Devastated.” My tone is so quiet that there’s no room for misunderstanding.
“So, my dear child, you’ve just performed a gut check. And your gut is telling you to give it a shot. Because if you cut this off before it has a chance to really start, you’ll regret not taking the chance with him.” Her clear gaze fixes me to the spot. If anyone’s an expert on regret, it’s Claire. I should take heed.
I sigh. “Why do you have to be so right all of the time?”
“It’s my gift.” She smiles as she taps me on the nose.
