Page 40 of Script Swap
I mean: My.God.
At that point, Pippi nudged Dylan, who cleared his throat and dutifully recited, “We’re so sorry to lose our friend and colleague Kyson Swetz.It’s my honor and privilege to play the part of Daniel Dank in tonight’s performance.”
“Isn’t he a star?”Pippi asked.“Dylan, do the bit where Dash screams in terror and begs Vivienne not to kill him?”
“What is happening?”I asked.“Where am I?Is this a nightmare?”
A thud followed by a crash made Fox say, “I’ll be right back,” and they hurried away, leaving Bobby and me to Pippi’s newfound outlet for her insanity: as a theater mom.
Dylan beamed at me.“Mr.Dane, did you know the character of Daniel Dank is based on you?”
“How could Inotknow that?”I asked.
“In my Drama One class, Mrs.Owler said that a true actor inhabits their character by tapping into their primal fears.Would you say that your primal fear is the fear of being loved?Or the fear of being abandoned?”
This high-pitched noise started in my head.
Dylan looked slightly embarrassed as he added, “Those were the only two we learned.”
I didn’t have words.Except, apparently, I did because I said, “Both!Obviously!”
“Excuse us, Pippi,” Bobby said.“We need to talk to Terrence.”
“You don’t have to worry about that,” Pippi said as she took out what appeared to be shoe polish and started touching up Dylan’s hair.“The sheriff already knows Terrence killed Kyson.Dash and I have done it again!”
“Donewhatagain?”I asked; the shrill note in my voice was about two steps away from hysteria.
“Solved the murder, dear.Dylan, can you do that with your voice?‘Donewhatagain?’‘Donewhat’—are you hearing it?Like a fishwife who got her bra caught on a hook.”
“What in the world—”
“Dowhatagain?”Dylan parroted.
I kid you not: Pippi was glowing.She chose that moment to pick up a can and shake it a few times.“Now, Dash, how much hairspray do you use?”
And, can hissing, she began spraying Dylan.
“None,” I said.“Zero.I don’t even use hairspray.”
Raising her voice to be heard over the can, Pippi called, “Just tell me when to stop.”
“Here we go,” Bobby said, and he escorted me away from Pippi and Dylan.We moved across the stage in the direction Fox had gone.
“Did you see—” I began.
“I know,” Bobby said.
“But did you hear—”
“Yep.”
“And she—”
“I know, babe.”And then, somehow Bobby made it all so much worse when he said stoutly, “I think your new haircut is cute.”
Cue the most theatrical scream ever in the history of screaming at boyfriends.
On the other side of the stage, Fox was arguing with Tinny.The young woman was dressed today in more neutrals.A beige sports bra.Silver yoga pants.Little black sneakers that were surprisingly cute.At my approach, Tinny blanched and shot toward the exit door.Fox hustled after her.
