Page 7 of Fake As Puck
“I didn’t do anything. Well, I did something, but it wasn’t my fault. Okay, it was probably my fault, but—”
“West.”
“Sorry. So you know Bea? The girl I’ve been seeing?”
“The one you refuse to introduce to anyone?”
“Yeah, well, there’s a reason for that. She dumped me. This morning. While I was holding a glass of water.”
I snort, then quickly cover it with a cough when Tessa shoots me a look.
“I’m sorry,” Tessa says, and she actually sounds like she means it. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Great. Never been better. Except for the part where I RSVP’d to three weddings for two people and now I don’t know what I’m going to do because I can’t just show up without a date.”
Tessa scoffs, “Don’t be so dramatic, West. You can show up without your plus one. It’s not that big a deal.”
“It is that big a deal!” West’s voice goes up an octave. “I told the team I had a girlfriend. I finally joined the team’s couples group chat, Tess. They send recipe recommendations and date night ideas. There’s a whole ecosystem built around my relationship status.”
Tessa’s trying not to laugh, I can tell. Her lips are twitching in that way they do when she’s about to lose it.
“You joined the team’s couples group chat?” she asks, her voice almost giving away that she’s about to burst out laughing.
“It wasn’t voluntary!” West shrieks.
“Oh my god,” Tessa whispers, covering her mouth.
“And that’s not even the worst part,” West continues, oblivious to our barely contained laughter. “One of the weddings is Reed’s. You remember Reed? My teammate who thinks I’m a reformed bachelor? His wife already asked what Bea’s wearing so they can coordinate photos.”
“Jesus, West.”
“I know! And the other wedding is our cousins, which means Mom’s going to be there, and you know how she gets about my dating life. She’s going to spend the entire reception asking when I’m going to settle down and give her grandchildren.”
“She has grandchildren,” Tessa says, gesturing to Charlie, who’s now trying to eat the shampoo bottle.
“Hockey grandchildren, Tess. There’s a difference.”
I can’t help myself. “You could always tell them she died.”
Silence.
Then, he says, “Who was that?”
Tessa grins. “Just Liv.”
Another pause. “Liv’s there?”
“Yes. Hi,” I say, washing Emma’s feet. “And I’m just saying, fake death is a classic breakup excuse. Very dramatic. Very final. No follow-up questions.”
“I can’t fake-kill my girlfriend,” West says, and I can hear him pacing now. That’s something he’s done since we were kids.
“Why not? It worked for Ross.”
There’s a moment of quiet, broken only by Charlie splashing and Emma starts crying.
Then West says, quietly, “I’m fucked, aren’t I?”
“Probably,” I say at the same time Tessa says, “No.”
