Page 13 of Fake As Puck
“Because I know you. You stress too much. Remember when you got cut from varsity junior year? You bought seventeen types of protein powder.”
“That was different. That was for gains.”
“That was for feelings. Just like the bread.”
“I put back the brioche.”
“Listen to me very carefully. Liv is not actually your girlfriend. She’s doing you a favor. A very expensive favor. Don’t make this weird.”
“I’m not making it weird.”
“You’re making it weird. I can feel the weird through the phone.”
“How am I making it weird?”
“Are you redecorating?”
I glance at the throw pillows in my cart. “No.”
“West.”
“Fine, maybe a little. But the guest room is boring. It looks like a hotel room. A bad hotel room. Like a Motel 6.”
“It’s supposed to look like a hotel room! She’s not moving in!”
“I know that. I’m just trying to make her comfortable.”
“By buying throw pillows?”
“They’re accent pillows.”
“There’s no difference!”
“There’s totally a difference!”
Tessa sighs, and I can picture her rubbing her temples the way she does when Charlie’s being particularly destructive.
“Okay, new plan,” she says. “Go home. Put away the decorative pillows and the seventeen types of bread. Make the guest room clean but not fancy. Stock the bathroom with normal toiletries. Order pizza for dinner. Do not, under any circumstances, light candles.”
“I wasn’t going to light candles.”
“You were absolutely going to light candles.”
“Fine, maybe one candle. For the smell.”
“NO CANDLES.”
“Jesus, okay. No candles.”
“And West?”
“Yeah?”
“Try to remember that this is fake. She’s not actually your girlfriend. She doesn’t actually like you. She’s doing this for money.”
I nod. “Thanks for the pep talk.”
“I’m serious. Don’t catch feelings. She’s been struggling, so I’m trying to do her a favor. That’s why I pay her to watch the girls.”
