Page 128 of Fake As Puck
I add the shoes to my cart and try not to think about West’s reaction to seeing me in them. I think she’s right.
“What time is your flight tomorrow?” Tessa asks.
“Two PM. I’ll be in San Francisco by four.”
“And West’s picking you up?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you nervous?” she asks.
I take a moment to think, imagining what it’s going to be like seeing him in person. “What if I’ve built this up in my head? What if seeing him again is weird and awkward and we realize that we don’t want to do long distance? What happens if he asks me to move with him and I say no?”
She glares at me, the realization dawning on her. “You would say no?”
I exhale, feeling like my chest is splitting into two.
She changes the tone in her voice, readjusting the way she’s sitting. “Liv, I’ve seen the way you two look at each other. I’ve literally felt the tension between you two. I’ve seen the way you make each other laugh. And Disneyland was my way of pushing you two together. You’re so good together. I don’t think staying in LA for your parents is a good enough excuse. What about you? What about what you want? Your happiness? Your life?”
I close the laptop and lean back against the couch cushions, thinking about whether or not Tessa is right. It’s her brother, for crying out loud, but she’s also my best friend.
“Are you looking out for your brother, or are you––”
“No,” she stops me. “I am telling you what you need to hear, Liv. I’ve watched what your mother’s cancer has done to you.” Her eyebrows raise. “Not just mentally and emotionally, but also financially and physically. You dropped weight you didn’t even have.”
I feel a bubbly of thick emotion in my chest, and I feel myself exhale a shaky breath. “You…” I start to cry. “You don’t know what it’s like Tessa…” My tears fall, so I wipe them away. “If my mom dies, and I didn’t everything and anything I could while she was here and alive, it would eat at me.” I start to sob, imagining my mother passing away. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance since she survived cancer treatment, but even that was so difficult. “And just moving to Seattle for some guy is––”
Tessa tenses. “Liv, West is notsome guy. This isn’t a guy you met on a dating app or on the side of the road. He hasn’t even asked you to move with him because I get the feeling that he’s not going to put you in that position, and I know all the hardship you went through with your mom. And you are still dealing with the aftermath. I have held your hand through it, and I’m not saying I fully understand because I cannot imagine it, Liv, but we’re talking about West here. West Carmack. My brother whoyou have been obsessed with ever since I can remember, and if your mom didn’t have cancer, you would move in with him in a heartbeat. He’s been your dream guy forever! And God, I am so glad we’re having this conversation right now because I’m your best friend, Liv. I want what’s best for you. You need to really hear me because I’ve walked on eggshells around, scared that it would push you away. But pushing aside your life because you think your time with your mom is limited is just… it’s diminishing you. You’ve lost your light, and then…” She starts tearing up. “And then you visit my brother and when you return, I see the light in your eyes again.” She reaches for my hand and squeezes. “I love you so much, and I want so badly for you to be happy. I want to raise our kids together like we always planned. You put your life on pause for a very long time but promise me that you won’t continue to do that anymore.” She releases my hand to wipe her eyes. “Promise me that you decide to live again.”
I consider everything she’s saying, and as I watch her cry, I wipe my own tears. For a moment, I put myself in her shoes. Her best friend losing her light. Her best friend not chasing her dreams. Her best friend not being the best version of herself, and I hate to admit it, hate to admit that my mom’s unasked for cancer, really has dimmed my light.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “If I’ve brought you down with me.”
She shakes her head. “I love you so much like a sister. What you go through, I do too, okay?”
I nod because she’s nodding. She grabs my hand again.
“You have no idea how badly I’ve prayed for your mom, and look, prayers have been answered. It’s been some time. Just think about what I said.” She inhales, trying to gain her composure. “We got really deep there.” She laughs, blinking rapidly to release more tears. “Whew! Okay.” She exhales again.
I play with my new set of nails, trying to think of another world where me and West are together without any heavy sacrifices.
“You’re going to be okay,” she whispers. “No matter what you choose, Liv. I always support you. If you do or if you don’t.” She’s nodding and so I reach over and pull her into a hug.
“Thank you.”
35
I wake up Friday morning with nervous energy I can’t explain.
It’s just a wedding. I’ve been to dozens of weddings. I know how this works. I show up, look presentable, make small talk, dance to songs I don’t know, eat rubber chicken, and go home.
Simple.
I hit the gym at six AM, pushing myself harder than necessary through a workout that’s supposed to burn off whatever this restless feeling is. It doesn’t work. If anything, I’m more wired when I leave than when I arrived.
Haircut at noon. The barber asks if I’m going somewhere special, and I tell him it’s my cousin’s wedding.
On the drive home, I text Liv:Want me to book your flight? I can pick you up in SF.
