Page 64 of Merry Me
Me: DO I SOUND SERIOUS?
Riley: Well…no. Obviously.
Casey: Right now I’m picturing you and a mall Santa banging it out in those fake workshops they set up.
Riley: That was oddly specific. You and Parker act that out or something?
Casey: If anyone is going to act out that particular fantasy, it would be you and Jace. Just saying. Or…evidently Natalie.
Me: Ok, I may not have hooked up with actual Santa.
Casey: I’m not sure you actually had to tell us that.
Riley: Yeah, I’m not sure Mrs. Claus would have allowed that. Oh, and I have one for you.
Casey: Have what for us?
Riley: Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Me: I’m not sure this is the appropriate time for this, but I’ll allow it.
Casey: …
Riley: Because he knows better than to try the back door!
Casey: Ok, tell Jace that one was funny.
Riley: Hey! That could have been from me.
Casey: Ok…we can pretend to live in that world.
Me: Can we focus? Less ho ho hoing and more fixing my life!
Casey: I would like to point out again…that the only one ho ho hoing is…you.
Riley: She’s probably preening right now.
Me: I HOOKED UP WITH EASTON DRESSED AS SANTA!
Casey: Now this is getting good.
Me: It was the costume. One look and I turned into one of those “he can sleigh me anytime” kind of girls.
Casey: I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about.
Me: Think of Parker in his football uniform and how you get all wild and crazy. That’s what happened to me. One second, he was saying “Merry Christmas.” And the next second, I was on his lap. And the next-next second, I was saying “Yes, Saint Nick. Yes.”
Me: I am not ok. Just in case that wasn’t obvious.
Casey: You just made me choke on my tea. Rude.
Me: DO NOT LAUGH! I AM SPIRALING. MY HOLIDAY WREATH IS CROOKED. I LOST A FAKE EYELASH. AND I THINK I YELLED “JINGLE MY BELLS” MID-CLIMAX…
Riley: Honestly, this is peak you, Santa-seducing queen.
Me: I need a deep cleanse. Like sage, a shower, and three hours of silence. Also a cookie. Possibly a nap. SEND HELP.
Casey: Sending cookies. And a therapist.
