Page 57 of Fair Play
“Is there truly a correlation between those two things?” she asks.
“Look, the Rome you’ve been spending time with isn’t the same guy he was, say, five years ago. I’m trying to change—mellow out some. I’m hoping I’ve grown up in some ways. But not everyone realizes that. I’ve played on six teams in ten years. You know why?”
She slowly shakes her head.
“Because no one wants me in the room.” Fuck, it’s hard to admit that. “Because I’m a shit disturber, both on andoffthe ice. I don’t make friends easily. And once they see that I don’t fit in, they cut me loose.”
Instead of sympathy or protests, her eyes blaze angrily. “Seriously? I swear, hockey culture is the worst!” She looks genuinely pissed off. “They hire you to be a shit disturber, but then when you do what they hired you to do, they don’t like it? I mean, what the hell is that about?”
I want to smile at her ferocity, but I need to get out the things that are on my mind.
“I appreciate your anger on my behalf,” I say quietly, “but it’s part of the life. And as things intensify between us, like they did last night, you have to keep in mind that I don’t know how long I’m going to be here. I could get traded now, I could get some bare minimum offer in the off-season…or, I could be forced into retirement if no one picks up my contract once I become a free agent.”
She blinks, and I can practically see the wheels turning.
“I understand the words,” she says after a moment, “but I’m not sure I understand the nuances of what you just said from a professional perspective.”
“I’m here on a one-year contract,” I explain patiently. “Now that I’m hurt, I don’t know what I bring to the table. The tradedeadline is coming up, which means they might want to get rid of me ASAP, offload my contract and grab someone healthy.”
She grimaces. “So there’s no loyalty?”
“Honey, I’ve only been here since January. I haven’t given them areasonto be loyal. From a business perspective, why would they keep me? If we make the playoffs, and right now it looks good, they need solid players, and we have no idea how productive I’ll be when I get back.”
“And if they don’t trade you?”
I sigh. “So much can happen between now and the official end of the season. I could come back in time for the playoffs and have a great run. We might win the championship, and everything will fall into place perfectly on paper—but they still might not have enough cap space to keep me.”
“Again, no loyalty?”
“Welcome to hockey.”
“I never dealt with any of this with Bodi because he had a solid place on the Rebels and it’s only lately that I realized how difficult it must have been for him, knowing he might never make it to the big leagues.”
The Rebels are the Phantoms’ minor league affiliate, which is where Bodi played his entire career up until last year’s playoffs.
“So I have no idea what’s going to happen with me,” I say gently. “Which means I could be leaving just as you and I are getting started—and while I’m not afraid of your brother, the last thing I want to do is break your heart.”
“You’re saying I shouldn’t have jumped your bones last night,” she says with a sad smile.
“Not at all. Last night was the best night I’ve had in a very long time—even with the injury slowing us down.” I reach out a hand, and wait for her to take it, but she doesn’t.
“I don’t think we took things slow at all.” Her smile is fond but a little sad as she stares off at some invisible spot in thedistance. “But the truth is, I like you and I don’t know how to turn that off. How to stop caring about you and just be your roommate. Honestly, I don’t want to. I’m a lot younger than you but I don’t feel like there’s some huge gap when we’re together. It feels easy. Natural. The thing with Bodi is a problem but he’ll come around if we get to a point where it’s serious.”
“Baby, I’m not sure I know how to do serious anymore.”
“Does that mean you’re not willing to try?”
Oh, hell. How do I answer that?
I want her so much I can’t stand it. But there are so many obstacles. For both of us.
“It’s not that I’m unwilling, it’s that there’s so much uncertainty in my life...”
The look in her eyes is one I haven’t seen in a woman before. Resignation coupled with understanding and a maturity beyond her years.
“I get it,” she says after a beat. “You have two ex-wives, so you don’t trust women.”
My brows shoot up. “No—that’s not it. Not even close. You are nothing like them. I’m crazy about you, Billie.”
