Page 50 of Sugarplum Dreams
“Can I ask a question?” he asked, figuring that that was about the stupidest question a person could ask but not knowing how else to approach the subject. He had told her that if he had an issue, he would always say something.
“Of course you can!” she said, grinning at him. And obviously expecting him to ask her something about her baking business. He supposed he was.
“Is there a reason you’re so excited to…put more work on your plate? I mean, is there something that’s more fulfilling about baking for other people?” He hoped that didn’t sound terrible. He didn’t mean to insult her, he just didn’t understand why…why she couldn’t be that happy to be with him. Why she had to look outside of their marriage and relationship in order to be fulfilled. He loved farming, but he would give it up in a heartbeat if he had to for his family. Even for the kids that were not biologically his. They felt like they were his in every other way.
She tilted her head, looking at him, knowing him well enough to know that he wasn’t insulting her, and he appreciated that. Maybe over the last month, she had learned to trust him a little.
“I guess I’m more excited about being able to pull my weight around here than I am about actually doing the work. You know? Like I’m not going to be this thing that is hanging over your head and just costing you money. I’ll be able to contribute to the family as well. That makes me happy.”
“But you are contributing. You take care of everyone, including me. You cook, you clean, you work from the time you get up in the morning until you go to bed at night, and you never stop. I really don’t know how you’re going to fit the baking into your schedule, not that I don’t want you to, because I do. I just was hoping you’d help me understand why it means so much toyou so that it makes more sense to me. Because all I see is you taking on more work, and I’m already trying to figure out how to get you to do less, not more.”
He held his breath, because he figured that there were some women who would have exploded over what he had just said. But Charity didn’t.
“But there’s no money in that stuff. And I feel bad that instead of you just taking care of you, you’re taking care of us.”
“I’ve spent my money on other people. It was satisfying, but now I’m spending it on my family, and that’s even better.”
The light dawned in her eyes a little, and he knew she understood he was talking about the work that he had done for the Secret Saint.
“Do you see that it will be satisfying for me to have money to spend on my family?”
“So it’s not enough for me to take care of you?”
The words hung in the air between them, and he could see her trying not to be upset.
He didn’t want to have a fight. Not today. It was their two-month anniversary. Normally he didn’t pay any attention to such things, but he’d been looking forward to the day. Even watching the calendar, and watching as she cleaned, and realizing that she was going to be done on this day, and seeing that was fitting. But he supposed that he was letting her know that it was hurting him a little bit, just the fact that she wasn’t content to just let him take care of them, but she wanted to do something too.
“I suppose I need to be okay with the fact that while I want to be the one to take care of you, you want to be able to contribute to our household too. And we can’t have it both ways, so one of us has to give. Right?”
The excitement had drained from her eyes, and she nodded slowly. “I hadn’t thought about it like that. I guess… If that’s the way you feel about it. This is what I want to do.”
He shook his head, even though he closed his eyes and prayed for a second, asking the Lord what he had done wrong. Why had he even opened his mouth? Because he had wanted to voice the issues that he was having. But he hadn’t wanted her to give up anything.
“No. That wasn’t what I wanted at all. I guess I just didn’t understand that you wanted to be able to contribute to the household too. I… It’s not about me, but you’re not saying that I’m not enough. You’re saying that you want to join me, and we’ll do this together?”
Her lips curved up in a tentative smile. “Yeah. That’s exactly it. I… I wanted to get you a gift, but for me to use your money to buy you a gift seems silly. You know?”
“It’s not my money, it’s our money. That’s the way I see it, anyway.”
“I see it that way too. Except when you look at the root of the situation, the money came from you. I want to earn my own money, and yeah, so that you and I can work together, so we’ll be a team, but also so that if I want to get you something, it’s not coming from you to you, it’s coming from me, which makes a difference to me. Does that make sense?”
He nodded. He was mostly okay, hearing her explain it, glad he’d brought it up, and she hadn’t got mad and stormed off saying, “Fine, I won’t do it after all if that’s not what you want.” Which she could have.
“Thanks for taking the time to listen and think about it. I… I wanted to talk to you about it, but I was afraid that you would get mad at me. And you could have. A lot of people would have.”
“Yeah. I guess I felt a little hurt when we started talking, but I think I see what you’re saying. And I think you understand my point of view, and I’m still willing to not do it if that’s what you want.”
“No. If this makes you happy, I want you to have it.”
She stared at him, as though she wasn’t quite sure whether he was being serious or not. “I suppose the only thing that the Bible says about it is that the man provides, and he is the head of home, so if you say I can’t, then I won’t, and you know I won’t be upset about it. Because you’re in charge. But if you say I can, then I’m going to, unless that’s going to upset you and we’re going to fight about it. Because getting along with you is more important to me than having this between us.”
“Yes. Having a good relationship with you is far more important to me than whether or not you do baked goods. I love that you do them, I love that you make money on it, and I guess it might take me a little bit to get used to the idea that we’re doing this together, and I’m not the only one providing.”
“Aren’t we doing it together anyway? I mean, we do the kids together, and you told me in the spring when things start picking up on the farm, I’m going to be helping you with that, more than just feeding the cows.”
He’d taken her out some to feed the animals, but there wasn’t enough room in the tractor for all six of them to ride together, so the few times he’d taken her out had been when his mom had come and watched the kids.
“You’re right. I was expecting you to work on the farm. And I suppose that in a way, you’re contributing in that regard anyway.” He sighed. “Please be happy and excited again, and I’m sorry I said anything that drained your enthusiasm, because I really enjoyed seeing how happy you were, and I just wanted to understand it.”
