Page 18 of Sugarplum Dreams
“I looked into it when I was first married because you know that’s kind of pushed on you at every appointment you go to. And I found out that a lot of birth control is an abortifacient, or an egg is fertilized, but the lining of the uterus is compromised in such a way that the fertilized egg cannot implant. There are other forms of birth control, but I would say for sure that anybirth control that allows an egg to be fertilized but not implant is wrong.”
“Wow. You really did your due diligence.”
“I didn’t want to get to heaven and see a bunch of children greeting me at the gate. Children that I didn’t even know I had, because I killed them without even realizing that they had been created.”
“That’s a sobering thought.”
“Yeah. How was I going to explain that to the Lord? I mean, I know He gives us grace, and it wasn’t like I thought that God was going to send me to hell if I used birth control. Obviously, that’s not biblical, but I do want to try to please the Lord in everything I do. Sometimes that means being more mindful about what I’m doing and not just accepting ‘conventional wisdom.’” She used air quotes around “conventional wisdom.” And then her hands dropped to her lap.
Maybe she should just keep her mouth shut. If she kept talking, Wilson might not want to marry her anymore.
“Then how do you feel about birth control now?” The question seemed cautious, and she glanced at him.
“I guess I still feel the same. Any birth control that is an abortifacient is wrong. And I guess if God is trying to bless me and I’m trying to keep Him from blessing me, then I’m the one with the problem.”
“Can I think on that some?” he asked and glanced over at her. His eyes were serious and thoughtful.
“Of course. We don’t have to agree on everything.”
“Well, this is kind of an important thing. I… I assume we’re getting married, and we’re staying married for the rest of our lives, and this is an issue that we’re going to have to deal with.”
Her heart skipped a beat and then started up again faster, thundering in her chest. She hadn’t really meant to bring up that subject, but she supposed it was a good thing he had. She hadn’twondered about it, just assuming that marriage was a marriage, but now she knew for sure.
It made her a little nervous.
She wasn’t the young girl that she was the first time she got married.
She felt so much older now. Even though it was only ten years, it felt like a lifetime. That young, innocent girl, who had stars in her eyes and thought she knew everything, no longer resembled her in any way.
“Well, we kind of got off subject. I asked about Christmas, and we ended up talking about birth control.”
She laughed. “I’m sorry. I was just thinking that I’m not like the little girl I used to be. Even the young, innocent girl I was when I got married the first time. I’m older, more serious, I have a tendency to think about things, and I guess pleasing God is more important to me than almost anything, hopefully anything.”
“I like that. I knew that about you, or suspected it, because of things people had said. It’s one of the things I talked to the pastor about. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable marrying you if not, although I don’t know that God would have told me that I should, does that make sense?”
“God has a tendency to know what we need before we do. And He definitely knew I needed you. And He brought me the perfect man, one who is concerned about doing right and who loves Him above all else.”
That was what she wanted, even if she did feel a little bit put out that Wilson loved God more than he loved her, or that Wilson was just marrying her because God told him to.
“You know, I never thought about how Hosea’s wife felt.”
“Really?”
“No. I mean, it must have been really nice to marry a man like Hosea, but he was only marrying her because God told him to. It had to have hurt her feelings some.”
“I worried that I wasn’t being romantic enough,” he said as he waited for a car to pass him before he moved into the left lane.
“No, that’s not it. And it doesn’t really bother me because it’s like what you said. I’m glad that you’re following the Lord. I want to be married to someone like that. It’s just… The idea that someone is marrying me because they have to, instead of because they want to, is a little…hurtful.”
“I guess that’s the reason you’re marrying me though, isn’t it?”
She hadn’t thought about it that way. That he might feel bad because she couldn’t find anyone better to marry her. That she was just desperate enough to take the first marriage proposal that came along and it happened to come from him.
“I’m sorry. I never considered that you might feel the same.”
“It doesn’t really bother me, because I asked. I wanted you to, I would have felt bad had you said no, but I wasn’t deluded into thinking that you said yes because of anything special about me.”
“Well, that’s not entirely true. If you were not a Christian, I would have said no. And that’s final.”
