Page 49 of Desert Thorns

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“I brought you food.”

He kept working, and for a moment, I thought he hadn’t heard me. But then he stopped and turned to me. “Thanks.” He accepted the sandwich and water, and settled in the grass. “What did he want from you?”

I sat next to him, grateful that the sky was cloudy and my fair skin didn’t get toasted to a crisp. “He admitted that he killed the men at Silent Wharf and that he deals in arms.”

Scowling, Kingsley extended half of the sandwich to me. Dark brown loose curls stuck to his sweaty forehead, his habit plastered to his chest.

“I’m sorry about last night.” I took the sandwich even though I had zero appetite. “I shouldn’t have put you in that position. I stole your virtue and made you break your celibacy vow.”

His Adam’s apple jerked, and he closed his eyes. “It takes two to tango.” His sea-green eyes came to me. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have—” His jaw flexed. “It was a mistake.”

The words stung. But he was right. It had been a mistake, although the best mistake of my life.

“I’ve always been like this,” I said quietly. “My mind has been screwed up for as long as I can remember. When I was six, I played ‘doctor’ with a boy. Then with two more. It was like an obsession.”

The same old shame I’d been wrestling with ever since once again caught me in its web. Wrapped around me as if to suffocate me. I had carried this burden in silence for decades, and now I dumped it on Kingsley, of all people. Probably because he felt safe. I had no filter around people I felt safe with.Actually, I hardly had a filter at all. But there were just certain topics I didn’t talk about.

He took me in. “You were a kid, Harley. Kids are curious.”

I shook my head. “It didn’t end there. I grew up in a Christian home and heard the ‘no sex outside of marriage’ message a hundred times, yet I lost my virginity at fourteen. Way too young, if you ask me. I mean, imagine Giuliana telling us she had sex. Sheesh. My parents found out and swept it under the rug. I was so ashamed, but couldn’t stop, so I continued doing it behind their backs. Usually while they were on stage, because then I had our RV to myself. If there was no guy around, I resorted to masturbation. The high sex drive never ceased. Do you know how hard it is to constantly feel this all-consuming need, but God doesn’t give you a husband?”

Kingsley had gone very, very quiet. He sat there, sandwich in hand and staring straight ahead.

I unclawed my fingers from the grass and dirt I’d dug them into.Stop yapping, girl. You’ll scar the poor man.“Instead He gave me you. A monk.” I huffed. “He dangles the perfect man in front of me like a carrot, but nope. Can’t have him.”

Kingsley turned to me. “Did you just compare me to a carrot?”

I laughed. Swatted at his upper arm. “You know what I mean.”

A tired smile stretched across his face. Then he sobered again. “I wish I had some wise words for you, but I’m just as lost as you are. I appreciate your honesty, though. And please don’t be ashamed of your past.” He sniffed. “Satan wants us to be stuck in shame, but after convicting us, God wants us to repent and then receive His forgiveness. Go and sin no more, as Jesus said.” His gaze intensified as he looked me square in the eye. “You’re not screwed up or dirty, Harley. You aren’t used or broken. You’re a new creation in Christ, and the enemy can’t take that from you.”

It was as if his words reached deep inside of me and released a part of my guilt and shame. For once I didn’t feel condemned, but heard and understood.

“Thank you,” I whispered. “Thank you for listening without judging. And thank you for including my rant in today’s homily.”

He gave me a wry smile. “Who am I to judge after last night?” His jaw went rigid, and he turned his head away.

“What’s going to happen, Kingsley? Will you tell Father Cruz?”

He pressed his fingers into his eyes. “I have to. My conscience won’t allow me not to.”

“What are the consequences?”

“Best case excommunication. Means I’m not allowed to talk to the others for a while. Have to eat by myself. Worst case I get expelled.”

I gasped. “Are you saying they’ll kick you out?”

Kingsley dipped his chin to his chest. Nodded.

“What? No! They can’t do that!” My throat felt like an iron hand had wrapped around it and squeezed. “We’re all sinners. Isn’t that what Father Cruz preached the other day?”

“We are, but we have to accept the consequences of our actions. I made a promise to God that I would never—” His mouth flattened into a thin line. He shook his head.

My heart crumpled. For once I had no words. So I reached out to him and touched his upper arm.

His biceps flexed under my hand. “Don’t touch me.” His voice was so hoarse it sounded like he was whispering.

For some reason the words were like a slap in the face. I let my hand fall away. “Sorry.”