Page 40 of Joker's Ghost
“Holy fuck!” Python bellows. “That could’ve been a huge mess.”
“Thanks, brother.” Joker levels Python with a deadly expression.
“And when the fluid leaks, the lift crashes down, right?” I knew enough about the workings of the garage to guess the consequences.
Joker shifts his feet like a kid with a bad report card. “Something like that.”
Gus enters the office and grabs a bottle of water out of the mini fridge.
“How close were you to getting plastered under it?” I ask Joker, but instead Gus chimes in.
“Pretty damn close,” Gus adds. “If it wasn’t for me yanking him back, your man would’ve been hamburger meat on the concrete floor.”
I suck in a deep breath, and Joker glares at Gus. “Thanks, old man. I’ll remember this when raise time comes around.”
“Shit, nothing I’m sayin’ ain’t true.” Gus uncaps his water and settles in for the show.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask Joker.
“‘Cause I wanted to avoid this.” He motions between us. “But thanks to my brothers and my foreman’s big mouth, now you know.”
I shake my head. “What else are you keeping from me?”
“Nothing.” Joker comes around the desk. “Stop worrying.” He kisses me on the forehead, throws Gus an evil eye, then hustles Cobra and Python outside.
I stare after them, but I know my husband. Although he’s never outright lied to me, there are things he doesn’t tell me. Like club business, or anything he thinks will worry me, and me being pregnant makes him extra vigilant to keep me calm, which ultimately makes me worry more. Mission unaccomplished.
On the one hand, I get it. After the trauma with Deana’s birth, it took me months to recover mentally, but Joker was by my side every minute. He refused to give up on me even when I wanted to give up on myself.
I didn’t know how to fix myself.
I’d jolt awake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, heart beating out of my ribcage, and sometimes even shaking. I’d creep out of bed so as not to wake Joker for fear he’d think I was losing my mind.
Every day, I felt more and more detached, more disconnected, further away.
My logical mind told me I was so lucky to have our healthy baby girl, but the demon of anxiety wouldn’t let me rest. Wouldn’t let me be grateful for my beautiful baby girl, my caring stepson, or my loving, devoted husband.
Then it all came undone one afternoon when Joker forced me to examine my feelings. Of course, at the time, the big, tough biker guy didn’t know what he was doing, but in his own way, he forced me to start living again.
“Look, babe, we need to talk about what’s going on with you.”
“I don’t want to talk about this.” I fold the baby blanket on my lap.
“That’s too bad’cause I want you to tell me what’s bugging you?”
“Right now, you’re bugging me.” I brush past him, but he catches up to me and whirls me around by the waist.
“Not gonna work.” He tightens his grip on me.“I can’t imagine how scared you were.”
“When the contractions started, I told myself I had to handle it, but”—my voice cracks—“I was so scared, so alone.”
“I know, baby,” he whispers into my hair.“I know you were alone, but I swear on my life, you will never be alone again.”
“I’ve been so afraid to break in front of you. So scared if I start to cry, I’ll never stop.”
“Gonna take more than some crying to scare me.” Joker turns me toward him, catches the single tear sliding down my cheek, then hugs me.
My crying subsides and he scoops me up and takes me into our bedroom, then sits me on the bed facing him. “You’re my tough, sassy bitch who can handle anything, but you’re also human, and I tend to forget that sometimes.”
