Page 67 of The Restoration Program
“Then why do I feel like I’m stealing you from her?” She sniffled and used the edge of the comforter to wipe her eyes. “Why is it so hard for me to feel like myself? What if I’mnotme?”
“Nicole.” He pushed forward and gingerly pried her hands from the comforter, taking them both between a finger and thumb. He leaned down to look her in the eye. “Listen to me.Lookat me. You had a scare, and we’re not letting it happen again. That doesn’t mean you throw in the towel. You areyou. You’re the same person I’ve loved for years. The same person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Nicki, I still want for us to—”
“Don’t,” she gasped. She shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut. “Don’t say it. Please.”
“Why?” His voice sounded so fragile.
“Because if you do propose, I’ll say y-yes. And I love you too much to do that to you.”
Nicole couldn’t bear to see Ryan’s face fall in the lamplight. She was equally terrified that hewouldlisten to her. Never propose. Leave her well enough alone and move on.
“You say that like marrying you would be some kind of curse,” he said. “But Iwantthis. Newness and all.”
“You don’t know what you want,” Nicole sniffed. “Newness…”
Ryan held out his open palms to her. Motivated by sheer stubbornness, she placed her hands on his despite his uncertainty. His body heat intimately met her in the stillness. She flexed her fingers, watching his hands react minutely, like he was being prodded by a needle.
“What if I proposed to you right here and now?” he asked.
“Don’t you dare.”
“If you sayyes,I can spend the rest of our lives telling you how wrong you were.”
Nicole laughed through her tears. “I know you’re joking… but I also know you’re not.”
“Find out for yourself.”
His hands closed gently over hers. She stared, unmoving. His hands were so big now, but they were stillhisand she loved them. She loved every detail about them.
Nicole kissed his curled fingers and sent up a doleful look. “I’m sorry. I’m fucking up your night.”
“You’re not.”
“Am so.”
“We’ve gotta have uncomfortable conversations sometime, right? It’s important.”
“I’m tired of important conversations.” Nicole felt her lips part as she gazed up at him.Hers,for as long as she had him. “I just want to lie here and just be fucking crazy about you.”
Words stopped then. Ryan voice-commanded the light off and folded one arm around her. She let herself be coddled and comforted as he kissed the top of her head and whispered sweet nothings over and over.
Slowly, the hummingbird fluttering inside her began to ebb. His strong arms pulled her flush against his chest, surrounding her entirely in the heat of his bare skin and thethump, thump, thumpof his steady heartbeat. She rocked gently with each of his deep, steady breaths. Nicole tried to memorize it all. Even as he cradled her, she couldn’t help but feel like Ryan’s mind was still busy and far away.
She pressed a hand against his chest. Ryan shifted and ducked his chin down to see her, eyebrow quirked inquisitively.
“We’ll try this again sometime. The yarn and stuff,” she said.
“Oh. Nicki…”
“No, I want to!I just need a little time. It’ll be fun. And it’s good to know you can still surprise me after all this time.”
He searched her face carefully and seemed to relent—intrigued, but cautious. Ryan gave her the sweet kind of smile that should have made her knees go weak. “You’ll feel more like yourself soon. Theonlyyou.”
She leaned her head against his heartbeat again, hoping he was right.
DAY SIXTY-TWO
“Make a wish.”
