Page 56 of The Restoration Program
She started hyperventilating again. This time, spots rolled into her vision. She grew dizzy until she couldn’t stand anymore. Until she couldn’t resist the gentle closure of Ryan’s hands around her. His rumbling voice overlapped her incoherent sobs.
When darkness finally rolled in, she welcomed it greedily.
DAY THIRTY-SEVEN
She didn’t realize how tight her grip on the cup was until her fingers started throbbing. She took a deep breath, trying to enjoy that she was around other NüPrints after yesterday’s harrowing experience in Ryan’s office. This was the first support group meeting she had truly looked forward to, but another day at the office would come around all too soon.
“Then on our way out, four more tried to snap pictures of me while I was curled up like a fucking baby, hyperventilating,” she told Carlos.
They stood off on their own, away from the clusters of NüPrints mingling by the refreshment table before the meeting. Ryan was engaged in conversation with Todd and Ellis, and she tried to ignore the way he kept a lock on her location every few seconds.
“Ryan made them delete the photos right?” Carlos asked.
“He was holding me in his pocket. I don’t think they got anything. But I mean, you’d think a bunch of financial geniuses would be smart enough to share one picture with each other instead of each trying to get their own.” She folded her arms and tried to play it off with a laugh, but the sound was too tightly wound with nerves.
Carlos cracked an encouraging smile. “Hey, not everyone can be as smart as you, Zhou. They’ll get used to having you around, won’t they? Do you think it’ll get better?”
She pursed her lips. “Maybe. But the clients… well, there’s going to be new ones constantly. I’ll never know how they feel about me until they’re right in my face.” She had a horrible taste in her mouth after sharing her encounter with Mrs. Levesque, who had stormed out of the building to find an accounting service withpreferable values. “Ryan had lunch in his office,” she added with a sigh.
“So?”
“He’s a social butterfly. He hasn’t worked there long, but he scored a group of lunch buddies who go out sometimes. He told me about it before. Yesterday, he just shut his door and ate at his desk. Because of me.”
“Because hisbuddiescan’t get their shit together,” Carlos countered. “It’s not your fault. What’s Ryan’s take on all this?”
“He’s frustrated as hell, but he wants to keep trying. His separation anxiety might be worse than mine.” She shook her head, unable to keep her collected expression intact. Stepping closer to Carlos, she lowered her voice. “I’m not ready. Thinking about going back makes me want to puke.”
“Have you told him that?”
“No,” she scoffed, aghast at the idea. “No way. After everything he did for me? He left work early to get me through that panic attack. He already sacrifices so much every day.”
“So do you. This isn’t a contest of fairness—neither of you will win that, believe me.” Carlos placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. The sensation of a normal-sized palm and fingers made her heart quicken excitedly, likethatwas beginning to be the odd thing. “The longer you let him think you’re fine, the worse it’ll be when you finally come out with how much it really fucked with you.”
“It was just one day,” she said, but the statement was fragile. One work day—not even afullone—had taught her what to expect, and she wanted to collapse under the weight of it. She forced herself to tilt her chin up. “It’s like working out, right? I bet you weren’t crazy about your clients whining that they want to quit by day two.”
Carlos’ expression hardened, and she regretted bringing up the career he had lost. He nodded reluctantly. “Fine, I see what you mean. I still think this is worth bringing up with him before he assumes you’re hellbent on learning to love being a desk ornament.”
She reflexively punched his arm—too hard to be playful, too soft to be hateful. He reacted dramatically, hissing through his teeth and rubbing the spot. They shared a laugh. They were even now, she supposed.
“Looks like Holly’s boyfriend is a no-show again,” she said, ready to kill for a change of subject as she glanced around.
The NüPrint platform seemed like a room in and of itself. She was always taken aback by the actual room’s vastness as she looked further. She tensed, noticing Holly herself standing quietly by the spread of mini-quiches, distanced from the others gathered.
“Come on.” Grabbing Carlos’ elbow, Nicole urged him to follow. When they were mere steps away from the table, Holly snapped out of her distant expression and perked up.
“Hey, Holly,” Nicole said. “How’re you doing?”
Her answering smile was bubbly as ever. “Me? I’m great! The contractors from the Program came and installed more walkways at my place this weekend. I can see out the kitchen window now, which is super pretty this time of year.” Her expression twitched, but before Nicole or Carlos could say anything, Holly hurriedly added, “Oh, and if you’re wondering why Alex had to flake, there was emergency basketball practice. The team’s really gunning for state this year. They might actually make it to the playoffs for once. Go Timberwolves!”
“That’s great, Hol,” Carlos said. “You mentioned last week you were going to one of his games, right?”
Mentionwas an understatement. Holly would have shared the team’s playbook if she could.
“Him and my parents talked me out of going,” she said, dropping her gaze to the floor. “Which sucked of them, but I mean. They had good points. There would have been way too many people. Way too loud. Way too…muchfor people like us, you know?”
Nicole reached out to squeeze her shoulder. “I know. I’m getting used to that, too. It feels like every day I remember another place I shouldn’t go to anymore.”
“It wasn’t too tragic,” Holly said, shrugging her off with an insistently bright grin. “My friend streamed the game for me. Felt like I was right there in the stands. Anyway, basketball’s boring. Who wants to bet on how long Ellis rants about Todd before Dr. B cuts him off? Loser has to volunteer to share a fake embarrassing story during the meeting. Or a real one. I’m not picky.”
