Page 47 of Jam and Jingle Bells
I sighed and shook my head. “She never misbehaves. She loved yoga. Together, she and Ellis are like two peas in a pod. I was not,” I said, trying to get a laugh, but they weren’t in the laughing mood.
I explained what happened as best I could and when I finished, they both sat and stared at each other. “You were in the ballpark the other day when you said she was feeling guilty about her grandparents,” I said to Mel. “It just looks like it goes much deeper.”
Mason stood and strode to the stairs, climbing them without a word. She leaned forward and I took her hand, patting it twice. “I’m sorry. I didn’t expect her to talk to me about it and when she started, I did the best I could to get to the heart of the matter. I’m not sure that I helped the situation much since I couldn’t offer platitudes to soothe her. I couldn’t promise her it was going to be okay.”
Mel nodded, her own eyes misty. “I wouldn’t have wanted you to. She’d see right through that, as she did with her therapist.”
"She's wise beyond her years, that's for sure."
"And yet she's still a little girl when it comes to emotions and how she deals with them in life. She won't suffer unheard any longer. Mason and I will clean up this mess my parents made and get her back on the right path."
We heard footsteps on the stairs and our eyes swung that direction as Mason came through carrying a pitiful Holly.
"She didn't want to come down," he explained as he sat. She clung to him like a spider monkey and Mel rubbed her back, tears in her eyes.
"I'm sorry you're sad, baby girl," she whispered. "I'll do whatever I can to make it better."
The poor thing was so exhausted she could hardly keep her head up. "I’m trying to be happy," Holly said, her voice hoarse from tears. "I just can't be. Even when I try to, it always sneaks in."
"What sneaks in, honey?" Mel asked, brushing the hair off her forehead.
"Being afraid?" Mason whispered and she nodded, her eyes wet with tears.
"Is that why you like yoga? You don't think about it when you’re doing it?" Mel asked. "You know we’ll do whatever we can to make you feel better. We don't want you to feel sad all the time."
"Or scared," added Mason. "We want you to feel happy the way a little girl should, but we won't say you have to be happy if you aren't. We'll find a way to help you through the sadness until you feel happy again."
Holly sat up and pushed her hair out of her eyes. "Dr. Sandra says it's mind over matter, whatever that means."
Mel sighed, heavily. "Forget about Dr. Sandra, honey, you won't be going back to her. We will find a way to help you through this like Da—" She caught herself before she said Dad and I could see how much it broke Mason’s heart. "Mason promised. You don't have to suffer silently anymore. We want to talk about this with you so we can do the things grown-ups do to make you feel better."
"My teacher said you'd be sad to know I was sad, so I didn't tell you."
Mel leaned back against the couch and closed her eyes, so Mason spoke up to give her a minute. "I think your teacher meant that you should talk to us so we could help you. She knows we wouldn't want you to be sad."
Holly's lips formed an O and she slapped her forehead with her palm. "That does make more sense."
Mason chuckled and squeezed her, giving me a wink. Mel sat up and rubbed her daughter’s cheek. "Addie told us that you're afraid we're going to leave and never come back, just like Grandma and Grandpa did." Holly nodded instantly, but she stared at her hands on her lap.
"I know it's not normal to worry about it because none of my other friends do, but …"
Mason rubbed her back to soothe her. "Holly, none of your other friends experienced the kind of loss, fear, and sadness you did. You can’t compare yourself to them even though you want to. You don't have to pretend you don’t feel this way just to make your friends, teachers, or us happy."
Holly sighed, but she never looked up from her lap. "Addie said she couldn't promise if you left that you'd come back for me."
Mason squeezed his eyes shut and swallowed. When he spoke, his voice was shaky and on edge. "She can't, Holly, and neither can your mom and me because we can't predict the future. I won't lie to you and say it's going to be okay because that doesn't make you feel better. I want to do what makes you feel better. If the wedding is scaring you, then we’ll wait. If me adopting you is scaring you, then we’ll wait. If going to school scares you, then we’ll get it cleared to send a special phone so you can text us during lunch and recess."
Holly sat up and stared at them. "You would? You mean I could go to school and make sure you were still coming to get me?"
Heads bobbed in unison to answer her question. Mel smiled for the first time and brushed some hair off Holly’s sweaty forehead. "We can even set up your iPad to be able to text us. There are a lot of ways to make sure you feel safe while you’re away from us. We promise to do whatever makes you feel better as we work through being a new family.”
Holly nodded thoughtfully but her hands still twisted around on her lap. "I like going to yoga more than Dr. Sandra. Ellis just lets me be quiet and relax. She makes me talk until I'm sad again."
"Then yoga can be your therapy," Mason promised. "Whatever it takes."
Holly's shoulders slumped and she bit her bottom lip. "I'm not trying to be difficult. I’m really not. I’m sorry if I’ve upset you."
Mel shook her head and took Holly’s hands. "We know you aren’t doing this on purpose, Holly Bear. We aren't mad at you and you haven’t upset us. We're sad that you're sad, but that's all."
