Page 8 of His Christmas Star
I walked to my truck and forced the thoughts of Cody from my mind, which was never easy. I’d asked myself the same questions over and over for twelve years but was no closer to finding the answers. I climbed into the truck and started it up while the image of Tobi filled my mind. Was it my fault that Cody died?
A tired sigh filled the truck’s cab as I drove toward Bison Ridge Road. My mind never stopped spinning these days. Between Tobi and her demands about Cody’s death and now Daddy Nash and his near deathbed confession, I was exhausted from thinking without reaching any conclusions. Thank God Tobi didn’t know about what Alfred told me. If she did, she’d probably act all righteous about that too. That would be the pot and the kettle if ever I saw one.
A flash of movement caught my eye, and I hit the brakes, expecting a deer to race out in front of my truck. Instead, the flash of black disappeared into the trees on the side of the road. This time, an exasperated sigh filled the truck. I knew where Tobi was headed, and it was nowhere good. I parked the truck at the trailhead and climbed out. I was exhausted after working a double shift, and I wanted to climb back in the truck and find my warm bed, but I couldn’t. Not if Tobi was out in the woods alone and drunk.
It was time to face the truth once and for all. I just hoped Tobi was ready to do the same.
“Just a little bit further, Starburst,” I cooed, patting her neck as we diverted from the main trail and into the trail that the hunters had made the last weekend of hunting. I glanced up at the sky and noticed the sun dropping lower in the sky. Soon, the stars would be out, and I’d have spent another twenty-four hours wondering what could have been if Cody had walked out of these woods that day instead of being carried out in a body bag.
I pulled up on the reins until Starburst came to a stop then I jumped down and dropped her reins, knowing she’d be in the same place when I returned. The underbrush was thick, but I tromped through it and walked toward the spot where my brother took his last breath. It was just a spot in the woods that meant nothing to anyone else. To me, it was a shrine to the boy who never had a chance to be a man.
“Tobi,” a voice said, and I spun around so fast I immediately fell to the ground. The snow-coated my pants and chilled me instantly.
Nash stuck out his hand to pull me up, and as much as I hated to take it and let him, I didn’t have a choice. The braces in my shoes wouldn’t let me get up without flipping onto my knees to accomplish it.
“What the hell, Nash?” I asked, brushing off my clothes with vigor. “Do you always follow women around and scare the crap out of them in the dark woods?”
“No, no, and it’s not dark.”
I gave him the har-har face. “You’re not funny. Can’t you just leave me alone?”
“No,” he said again, his hands in the pockets of his old brown work coat. “Not when you’re doing things that put you at risk. The last thing I want is a phone call from Heavenly Lane that you didn’t come home, and I could have done something about it.”
“Thanks for your concern, but I’m fine. I only had three drinks. It’s not like I’m a lightweight.”
“You’re barely five feet tall, and you weigh ninety pounds if you’re lucky. I hate to say it, but you’re a lightweight by design, Tobi Star.”
“I’ll have you know I weigh over one hundred pounds, but my weight nor my alcohol tolerance is your business, Jo-Jo Nash!” I stuck my finger in his chest, but he didn’t back up, so I did. Being too close to Joe Nash was always a risky proposition. I could never decide if I wanted to punch him or kiss him, and I was afraid either one would be bad for my heart.
“What are you doing out here, Tobi? It’s not safe regardless of how much you’ve had to drink. You don’t even have a gun with you.”
“I’ve come here every year for eleven years and haven’t died yet, but thanks for your concern. Bye.” I waved and turned my back on him, but I didn’t hear his boots walking away.
“You’ve come out here for eleven years?”
“Yep,” I said, popping the P a little heavier than necessary. “I started on the first anniversary of his death.”
“What do you think you’ll find?” he asked, stepping toward me instead of away. He was close enough now I could feel the heat of him against my back. It drove me bonkers that even when I hated him, all I wanted was for him to pull me up against his chest and hold me there, warm and safe.
I shook my head and fought against the tears in my eyes. “I’m not looking for anything, Nash. I’m just trying to find some peace, okay?”
“You’re not going to find that out here, Tobi. Not this way.”
I whipped around again, and he instinctively reached out and grabbed my arm to steady me. The difference was, this time, he didn’t let it go. “What way then, Nash? Can you tell me? Can you tell me how to find peace if it’s not out here in the place he took his last breath?”
He shook his head, and his jaw pulsed as he ground his teeth together. “Coming out here is nothing but torture for your soul, Tobi. It doesn’t hold the answers you need.”
“Maybe not, but I feel closer to him out here,” I said on a breath. “When I’m here, I can think about the good things we did together and not that final day in November when you ripped the other half of my soul out. Here, I’m alive again as a whole being instead of half of one.”
“Tobi,” he said, and I held up the hand he wasn’t holding, but he ignored it. “Maybe I don’t understand how hard it must have been to lose your twin, and I’m not going to tell you to let it go, but I am going to tell you to let that empty spot in your soul scar over. Let it scar over with the good memories you have of him, and stop coming out here to open the scar up every year. You’ve had twelve years to mourn him. Use the next twelve to live for him.”
“What does that mean?”
His shrug was so nonchalant I was back to wanting to punch him. “It means that it’s time to do something to make the world better because he lived and died. You’re the only Star left on this earth. Make it count.”
“I can’t do that until I know the truth! I want the truth about what happened that day. That’s the only way I can move on.”
He threw his arms up in the air and let them fall. “He fell while climbing his tree stand and didn’t have the harness properly connected! What more do you need to know?”
