Page 50 of His Christmas Star
I opened my nightstand drawer and pulled out the letter, tapping it on my leg.
“What's that?”
“A letter for you.”
“From you?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “From Daddy Nash, he had one of the nurses help him write it.”
“Why didn't he give it to me himself?” His tone hinted at confusion and hurt.
“He gave it to me while you weren't talking to him. He didn't know if you'd come around before he passed, so he gave it to me.”
Joe hung his head. “I should have, was, did. It was too late.”
I held his wrist the best I could to comfort him. “It wasn't too late. You said what needed to be said. When he gave me the letter, he told me I couldn't give it to you until the time was right.”
“Did he tell you when that was?”
“Unfortunately, no. Daddy Nash said I would know when to give it to you. At first, I wasn't sure about that, but now I am. Tonight is the right time.”
I handed him the letter, and he took it, flipping it over a few times in his hand. “Did you read it?”
I shook my head. “Of course not, Joe. Whatever is in that letter is between you and Daddy Nash. You don't have to read it right now, but I felt like now was the time to give it to you.”
He handed it back to me, insisting that I take it. “I'm afraid to read it. Will you read it to me?”
“Joe, this is between you and Daddy Nash. I love you, and I loved him, but he wrote this for you.”
“Please?” he asked, his gaze piercing and pleading as it held mine.
I sighed, but opened the envelope and pulled out a sheet of paper. “Dear Joe,” I read, and he motioned for me to keep going. “I gave Tobi this with the caveat that she didn't know what it said, and she doesn't.” I chuckled and glanced up at him. He was smiling, his hand resting on my thigh as though he needed contact with me at all times.
“By the time you read this, I hope we've straightened things out, but in case we didn't, I love you, Joe. Near as I can figure, I love you like a father loves a son. Only three days stand out as I spend my last moments of life. The first was the day I married Clarissa. Fresh-faced and beautiful. I couldn't say I do fast enough. The second day was when she laid Laramie in my arms. I was not her father by blood, but Laramie didn't know that, and I didn't care. Clarissa trusted me to take care of her and her new baby girl, and I wasn’t going to let them down. The final day was your birthday.
I was there when you took your first breath, and when I held you, it was magic. Laramie made me promise I would always take care of you and protect you. I kept that promise to her for as long as I could. Now, I must leave you with nothing but the Nash name. Maybe I didn't do things the right way, but I did them the only way I knew how, with love. The same blood may not run through our veins, but love does, and that's all we need in life, Joe. I love you, son. There has never been a day that I've been disappointed in you. Even on the days when you didn't get things right, you earnestly tried to fix them, and that made me proud too. Telling you the truth about our relationship was me doing the same thing.
I kept it a secret so long out of selfishness. I didn't want to admit that you weren't mine because I feared losing you. If that was the wrong thing to do, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. If you can understand that fear, I beg your forgiveness and ask for your grace whenever you think of me. I do hope you'll think of me from time to time as the bison graze in July and when the snow falls in December. I'm so proud of you, Joseph Nash. Go out and live, find love, build a family, and grow old together. There is no better legacy to leave than that.
I love you, son,
Your daddy”
His head hung low as tears dripped onto the blanket. I noticed writing at the bottom and lifted it again. “P.S. Love is waiting if you follow the Christmas star. Don't let her get away, Joe. She's always been yours.”
The sound he made was a sob filled with laughter. He wiped his face and took a breath that was shaky and filled with grief for the man he loved. “He was never afraid to call it like it was.”
“That’s for sure,” I agreed as I put the letter back in the envelope and set it aside for him. “He wanted you to know he loved you no matter what, no matter when, and even when he was no longer here.”
“I know he did. I never questioned whether he loved me. Even when he was upset with me, I knew he loved me, which was why he was upset. It was his job to teach me how to be a man, and when I made mistakes, he saw it as a failure on his part.” He rubbed his forehead and sighed the heaviest sigh I’ve ever heard from him. “Why does life have to be so messy, ugly, and complicated?”
I turned and took his face in my hands, forcing him to make eye contact with me. “I know the answer to that question. It’s so we appreciate the times when life is beautiful and hopeful. That’s what I’ve learned over the last month. Hard to believe that it’s only been a month since that day we stood in the spot where my life became messy, ugly, and complicated, but here we are. We’re here, and we’re still in the midst of all those things, but I can see the hopeful, beautiful life we can have waiting for us on the fringes. Does that make sense?”
His smile was soft when it lifted his lips. “Coming from you, that’s an epiphany, sweetheart. If you can see a hopeful, beautiful life waiting, then I know it’s worth struggling through the messy parts to reach it. Was Daddy Nash right?”
“About what, Joe?” I asked as he took my hands off his face to hold.
“Have you always been mine? Will you always be mine?”
