Page 29 of His Christmas Star
She slid her arm around my back and held me tightly as we stared into the night sky, trying to keep warm against the cold of a Wisconsin December night. Finally, after the silence stretched from seconds to minutes, I sighed. “We should go. The last thing we need, is to get sick.”
She sat up and nodded. “You’re right. It’s late, and I’ve been going since five this morning.”
“Why were you in town this morning?” I asked, helping her up and back toward the ranch.
“I had to run into town to grab an order from the feed store and pick up some samples for the Christmas dance from Jessica.”
“Jessica Harmon?”
She nodded. “She runs a printing business out of her house, so Heaven wants to use her for all the signage, napkins, and anything else we need.”
“That sounds like Heaven. Always keeping it in the community.”
“Nothing else would be acceptable,” she said, chuckling. “I was on my way to see Daddy Nash when Cindy called.”
“I’m so glad you made it to say goodbye,” I said, squeezing her hand.
We climbed the stairs to her cabin, and once inside, I grasped her shoulders, so she had to make eye contact with me. I smiled and rubbed my thumb across her cheek. “Thank you, Tobi. For being here for me today. I know I’m the sheriff and supposed to be unfazed by death, but today I was just a son saying goodbye to his father. It helped that you were there.”
“I’m glad I could be there for you, Joe.” She put her arms around me and held me. Still wearing our coats, I couldn’t get close enough to feel her heat, and I wanted that more than anything. “Do you want me to take you back to your truck so you can go home?” she asked, glancing up at me. “Or I can take you home and have one of the hands grab your truck and drop it off at the ranch.”
I didn’t answer her immediately. Instead, I concentrated on what my emotions were trying to tell me. “As much as I struggle to admit this,” I said, tracing my finger along her chin. “I don’t want to be alone tonight. Is it okay if I stay here?”
“Of course,” she said with a smile. “You can have the bed, and I’ll take the couch.”
She started to walk away, and I pulled up on her hand until she turned back. “Or we can share the bed.”
“Joe,” she said, but I shook my head.
“Not like that. I can’t be alone tonight. Please, let me hold you while we sleep.”
Fear skittered through her eyes as she stared me down, but she finally nodded. We took our coats off, and I shucked my boots at the door, but I noticed she didn’t do the same. One day soon, we were going to discuss her secrets, whether she liked it or not.
I rolled over and stared at the ceiling. We’d been in bed together for hours, and thankfully, Joe had been sleeping the entire time. Last night, I let him shower first and sent him to bed, just praying he’d be asleep by the time I climbed in. He was, but I hadn’t slept yet. I had so many emotions running through me, but regret was the biggest. I thought I had more time before he found out the truth, and I regretted that our time together was going to end so quickly. I had twenty-seven years to get used to the way I looked, and even I wasn’t a fan. There was no way he would be. The ache in my toe reminded me that I needed to take better care of my feet, but the last thing I wanted to do was add doctor’s appointments to my plate. Maybe once the new year rolled around, I’d take a trip to Duluth, but for now, I’d have to get by the best I could.
An arm came around me, and he nuzzled my shoulder. “You’re warm.”
“You’re awake.”
“Can’t sleep. Too many thoughts in my head.”
“I remember those days.” My mind’s eye went to the letter hidden in my dresser drawer. Should I give it to him tonight? Part of me said yes, give it to him so he can deal with everything at once. The other part of me said no. Wait until he’s had a few days to get over the initial shock before you put more on him. Daddy Nash said to give it to him at the right time, but this didn’t feel like the right time.
“How did you get through them?”
“Distractions. The ranch and grandma. School. Whatever I could do to keep busy.”
“I was afraid you were going to say that,” he answered with a chuckle. “Part of me thinks I’ve done a lot of the early grieving already. Maybe I’m just trying to justify why I don’t feel as sad as I should.”
“Or why you feel relieved?” I asked. He didn’t answer. He just buried his nose in my neck and let out a sigh. “It’s okay to feel relieved, Joe. You lost the man you knew years ago. That’s just the truth.”
“It helps to hear you say that because that’s exactly how I feel. I know I should be sad, and I am, but I’m also relieved that Daddy isn’t living that way anymore. You know he hated relying on anyone, and that’s all he could do there. He depended on someone else for everything.”
“I think that’s what was slowly killing him,” I admitted. “It was stealing the spirit of the man he used to be.”
“You just nailed the feeling I have about it. He’s gone, but also, he’s happy again. It’s hard to be sad when that’s the case. Do I still have regrets? Absolutely. But I can’t be sad that he’s no longer suffering.”
I stroked his cheek to let him know I was there for him and I understood. “Joe, believe me when I say that Daddy Nash was so, so proud of you. You were his son, and he loved you unconditionally. He said the reason he told you the truth was because he respected you too much as a man for you not to hear the words from his lips.”
