Page 24 of His Christmas Star
I sat in the chair next to his bed and took his hand. It was slack from the stroke that had damaged that part of his brain. His head was tipped to the side, and he stared at me, his eyes wide open to the universe. It was an odd sensation to know he was straddling both planes of existence, and there was nothing I could do to change it.
“I’m sorry, Daddy Nash,” I whispered, my words shameful and full of regret. “I should have come sooner. I shouldn’t have been so angry that I couldn’t see what you did was more honorable than anything I have ever or will ever do. You saved my mother from who knows what kind of life, which is the only reason I can even sit here. Then you did the same thing for me. My anger got in the way of seeing the bigger picture. Can you ever forgive me?”
He squeezed his eyes closed and then opened them again.
“Blink again if that was yes.”
He blinked again, and I swear he followed it with a wink.
“Thank you for your grace, Daddy Nash,” I whispered, a tear tracking down my cheek. “Thank you for taking care of me, keeping me on the straight and narrow, and making sure I had a solid upbringing when you didn’t have to do any of it. I’ve looked up to you all my life, and my only goal was to make you proud. I hope I’ve done that at least once or twice in my life.”
He squeezed his eyes closed once, and when he reopened them, a tear fell down his cheek. I wiped it away and smiled as I squeezed his hand.
“I love you, Daddy Nash,” I cried, my lips trembling as I said the words. “I know the sheriff isn’t supposed to cry, but I have so many regrets about how I’ve treated you the last two weeks when you were being honorable by telling me the truth.”
He blinked twice, and it looked like his face twitched with anger.
“No?”
He did it again, and I sighed, wishing he could talk to me.
“I think he means you shouldn’t have any regrets.”
I turned in the chair, and Tobi stood a few feet behind me, her gaze trained on my father. I stood and walked to her, draping my arms around her in a way that begged for comfort. “How are you here already?” I whispered into her neck. A shiver ran through her, and I pulled her tighter to me. I had to hang onto something tangible, so I didn’t go spinning off into the atmosphere.
“I was at the feed store picking up stuff for the ranch when Cindy called. I rushed right over.”
I released her, and my finger trailed down her beautiful face. “Thank you for coming. I knew you’d want to see him and say goodbye.”
“I do,” she whispered, and all I could think was I wish she was saying those words to me in a different place and different time where my father, still healthy, sat in a chair to watch us become husband and wife. I blew that chance, but the fighting spirit inside me hoped there would be a time when she would say those words to me as my father watched from above.
I took her hand and turned back to the bed, leading her to Daddy Nash so she could take his hand. “Daddy,” she said, but her voice broke, and she bit her lip rather than continue.
Daddy Nash stared at her without blinking, just drinking her in for the last time. I stayed silent, holding Tobi’s shoulders for comfort. Funny how I’m the big, bad lawman, and now I need her just to take the next breath as my father takes his final one.
“Thank you, Daddy Nash,” she said, and I wiped a tear that ran down her cheek. “You were the dad I never had. You know that, right?”
He blinked his eyes once, and I whispered, ‘yes,’ so she knew what it meant.
“I’m going to hold you to that promise to find Cody. You’re going to find him for me, right?” she asked, her voice choked tight with tears. When Daddy Nash blinked once, they rolled down her cheeks in a torrent that I couldn’t wipe away fast enough. “Just make sure he’s with momma and grandma. Find Clarissa and Laramie and tell them what a fine man their son and grandson has become.”
Daddy Nash blinked once as I wiped her face with a tissue from the box on his stand. “You’re ready to go meet them, aren’t you?”
His blink this time was slow and purposeful, one blink. Yes, he was ready.
“I’m not ready,” I said, tears falling from my eyes. I sat in the chair and pulled Tobi onto my lap, so we could both hold one of his hands. His skin was almost translucent, and I feared if I squeezed too hard that I’d tear it.
“Go find them,” Tobi whispered, her focus centered on the man I loved even when I was angry at him for lying to me. “Go find them and then pick a star in the sky and twinkle brighter than all the rest. I need to know it’s you when I look up at the sky over the ridge. You can be my guiding star even from afar, Daddy Nash. Promise me you’ll twinkle.”
He blinked his eyes once and then closed them again, but they didn’t come back open.
“Do you see Clarissa in the light, Daddy Nash?” she asked, her voice barely decipherable through the tears. “If she’s there, reach out your hand and take hers. She will lead you to the next life. Don’t be afraid.”
“I love you, daddy,” I whispered, wishing I could stop what was happening but knowing I couldn’t. It was the natural order of life, and as much as I hated it, there was no getting out of it. “I’ll try to make this long, dark road less bitter than the last time. I promise I’ll keep making you proud. I promise,” I whisper cried as his breathing slowed, the rise and fall of his chest minimal with each breath.
“You always said I was your biggest star, Daddy,” Tobi said, leaning over to whisper in his ear. “Now, you get up there and be mine. Brighten this long, dark road and shine the light on the parts of my life that are good so I don’t lose them in the darkness.”
She sat up and held tight to his hand. I let go of his other hand and wrapped mine around hers and his. “It’s okay, Daddy. I’ll be okay. Tell Mom and Grandma that I love them. Tell Cody I have a real bone to pick with him when I get up there, but I don’t plan on rushing. I have some things to do here first. Also, tell him I’m going to take good care of his sister, I promise.” My voice trailed off, and she leaned her head back on my shoulder. “I promise.”
