Page 19 of His Christmas Star
“You tuned out to someone's biscuits, that's for sure,” Heaven said tongue in cheek.
I ignored her. “I think the dress is perfect, Cece,” I said, hoping they’d think I was paying attention the whole time. “I’m here for you. Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it.”
Heaven clapped her hand on her knee and grinned. “Go on a date with Joe Nash.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You said to tell you what to do, and you’d do it,” Heaven said, motioning at me. “I told you what to do, so do it.”
“I don’t think it works that way,” I joked. “Besides, I don’t think Joe wants to go on a date with me, considering the way I’ve treated him since Cody died. Blaming him for something outside of his control was as hypocritical as being blamed for these hands.”
“I don’t understand,” Amity said.
“I’ve always been told I’m less than because of my hands. People underestimate me because of them, which always made me mad.”
“Because they were outside of your control,” she finished, and I nodded.
“Grief never makes sense, Tobi. Look at Blaze and me,” Heaven said. “Communication is the key. Joe needed to tell you to stop blaming him before you could see that’s what you were doing.”
I sighed. “I know you’re right. I promised Daddy Nash that I would start working through the grief. In return, he promised me that when he gets to heaven, he would find Cody and ask him what happened, then he would get me a message somehow.”
Amity put her hand to her chest. “What a sweet man.”
“He is,” I agreed, nodding more than necessary but unable to stop. “We’re going to lose Daddy Nash soon, and I wanted to show him that I was keeping my promise. To start, I apologized to Joe for the way I treated him.”
“What?” Heaven asked, leaning forward on the table. “Has he gotten worse?”
“More like he's accepted his fate. He knows the clock is ticking down, and he's made his peace with it.”
“Wow, poor Joe.”
I bit my lip before I spoke, so I didn't divulge any family secrets that weren't mine to share. “He's pretty torn up about it, but Joe also knows he was lucky to have a man like Alfred in his life for 32 years.”
All four women leaned back in their chairs with a sigh. “End of an era when Daddy Nash leaves us,” Heaven said with a sad shake of her head. “He was always helping out other ranchers, me included, when bad weather happened, or someone was sick. I just feel terrible. Is there anything we can do?”
I shook my head and rested my hands on my lap. “He’s getting excellent care at the nursing facility, and there isn’t much more that can be done. Joe doesn’t want to face it, so I’m going to have to force him.”
“Caleb said he was odd when he saw him the other day. He said the blue around him swirled. When a color swirls for Caleb, he knows someone is in deep emotional turmoil,” Cece explained.
“That pretty much sums up Joe right now,” I agreed, but I grew increasingly uncomfortable with this discussion. “When he told me that he still blames himself for Cody’s death, and that’s why he shouldered my anger too, I knew that wasn’t fair, you know?”
“Because he didn’t have anything to do with Cody’s death?” Amity asked, and I nodded, pointing at her.
“Joe was supposed to go hunting with Cody that day, but the sheriff made him work. Joe’s five years older than us, so he was already twenty-three and starting his career. He always wondered if he’d been there if he could have saved Cody. I told him there’s no way to know that answer, so we just have to stop asking that question. Cody would be angry at the both of us if he knew this was going on because of him, so I ended it.”
“How does that feel?” Amity asked in her motherly way.
It was great to have Amity here on the ranch. She took care of us like a mother does, ensuring we were fed and that our wounds were clean and healing. She was a wonderful grandma to the little ones and even learned sign language to communicate with Poppy Rose.
“I feel empty. At least of anger. The grief is still there and always will be, but letting the anger go gave me a sense of peace I hadn’t known since my parents died.”
“Sometimes, we don’t realize how heavy carrying the past around is,” Heaven said, stroking her arm in the sling. “When we let it go, it’s like the world snaps back into focus again. The colors are brighter, and the sounds of nature make us happy again.”
“I agree, but we aren’t here to talk about me. We’re here to plan a wedding!”
“We can do both,” Amity assured me with gentleness. “Heaven told us that your parents died on Christmas Eve. Is that why you hate Christmas?”
I sighed and leaned back in my chair, rocking my head on the back of it. “I don’t hate it.”
